Reflection on my 500hr. YTT

Over the past week or so, I have had brief interactions with people from past experiences, some of which were challenging, but most were joyful.  It's of course the challenging experiences that I recall with the most sting.  For whatever reason, these etch themselves deeper than the happy moments, making them harder to forget.

The one I need to write about that I've recently had clarity on was the experience of going through my  500hr yoga teacher training.  That was a very difficult experience for me for a number of reasons.

1. I felt a lot of negative energy coming from the husband/wife teacher duo in part because I asked a lot of questions and needed more reassurance than they wanted to give during the 200hr training. For that, I was invisibly branded as a "problem".

2.  I was still dealing with a shoulder injury that one of those teachers refused to help me with, leaving me no choice but to seek help from a physical therapist, who thankfully has become a dear friend and mentor to me, showing me that my "teacher" was actually doing more harm than good for his students.  In hindsight, it wasn't my teacher's job to fix me, but I was still learning these things.

3. I realize now as I look back, I was going through a depression during my training.  The negative energy that was aimed in my direction during training only served to make me more insecure than I already was.  Other trainees began treating me with the same negativity as the two teachers who seemed to do everything in their power make me feel excluded and unwanted.  I experienced moments where I was completely inconsolable....crying in the middle of the Hanuman Chalisa because I hadn't memorized the words when I thought I should have by that point.  Even though I'd been teaching consistently and confidently for more than 2 years at that time, I couldn't  teach in front of these teachers without crying, because I feared their criticism of me.  I was paralyzed by my own insecurity at that time and the practice that I loved became one that I loathed and even considered giving up.

As I look back, I recall the moment I met my insecurity and confronted it.  It was this troll-like creature that would sit in the back of my head and tell me lies. I avoided my practice and my fellow trainees, believing the insecurity that had its death grip on me.

"Why would you go to class? It's not like they want you there."
"No one likes you. Just stay home.  It's safer here."
"You aren't good enough to teach.  Why waste your time with training?"
"You're so stupid.  No one wants to hear what you have to say."

This voice, was actually the unspoken words of my teachers that were energetically communicated to me.  Sadly, for a while, I believed them.

When I finally realized what was going on and that these were lies, I called it out and took back my power and went to class.  It was supposed to be a Follow The Yogi class with the one teacher who made me feel the smallest and I felt good enough to march into class, practice fiercely and not feel insecure.  As luck would have it that day, he wasn't teaching.  Probably for the best anyway.

Here it is now, two years later and much has changed....for the better. That negative energy is no longer present in my life with exception of people who were in that training with me, watched me battle my demons and have since kept their distance and only exchange the bare minimum of pleasantries with me.  When that happens, it stings.  It's a throwback of what I went through during that time and reminds me that people still exist in this world who are scared of those who show the world their truth vs. only sharing what people want to see.  Yes, I made people uncomfortable by crying openly and presenting myself as emotionally wounded, but I survived it and I learned from it.  Doesn't that make me worth knowing?  Or is it just better to keep a distance between your safe existence and my honest experience? I need to remember, it's not about me.....everyone is fighting their own battle whether they are aware of it or not.  If someone feels uncomfortable around me, that says more about them than it does about me.  I'm just being true to myself.

There are those who attended that same training who have remained true friends. They held me up during that trying time and reassured me when I needed it most.  I was the insecure Hanuman and they were the villagers who sang my praises to help me make the confident leap back to my truth and my joy.  Even though I don't speak to them on a regular basis, I love them for their support and their kindness when others just dismissed me as pathetic and hopeless.

Today, I am head yoga teacher for Kure Yoga and Wellness in Norwalk, CT.  I have big plans to bring  a new way of doing things onto the yoga mat.  My confidence is not so easily rocked these days and I look forward to having a team that will share in my vision.

All that has happened to this point has shaped me into the person I am today.  I have the experience, the wisdom and the knowledge to do things now that I never dreamed possible.  For that, I am truly grateful!

Namaste!

Kristen

Ego vs. Soul

"Been thinking a lot lately about the role the ego plays in one's life and how it manifests itself in the practice of yoga. When we aren't aware of ourselves and our actions, we proceed through life like a bull in a china shop; knocking over and breaking things; starting fires where we never meant to and then blaming the other person for what broke or burned. The Ego keeps us from being accountable for our words and our actions. Wake up and see the role you play in this tapestry of life. You are not separate from me and there is nothing you do that doesn't effect another person or thing in this universe. Be accountable!"

~ Kristen Luther


I've had the opportunity recently to really reflect on the Ego vs. Soul or True Self.  As an outsider looking in on my friends and students who are newer to yoga, I am reminded of my own journey and how I began.

My first yoga class was taken on a lunch break at New York Sports Club and being that I am naturally limber with something of a dancer's body, I was more concerned with how I was dressed for class than I was about form or function of my own body during class.  At 27 years old at the time, I was all about the outward appearance of things and had NO idea that less than 10 years later, yoga would become my life and my passion.....a true expression of who I am on the inside.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my first trip up to Kripalu to assist a friend with a weekend workshop resulted in my realization of how little I really knew about yoga.  I had the outward appearance down pat.  I had just begun teaching in a gym setting with my AFAA certification newly acquired.  I was reading Yoga Journal and buying all the gear that helped my feel more like a yogini.  I felt awesome and like I was getting somewhere....until I was surrounded by so many others who had been practicing yoga much longer than I had and seemed so comfortable with themselves that I felt like a total fraud; a fish out of water.  I was humbled.  I was so uncomfortable that I ended up leaving early and retreating back to my family.  Only thing is, you can't go back to having your head in the sand after a realization like that.....the kind that wakes you up and you suddenly see your place.

I realized just how uncomfortable I was in my own skin and it was due to the fact that everything that mattered to me was external.  All I cared about was accomplishing the next challenging pose and bragging that I had the strength to pull it off or pretending that I was spiritual when I had no idea yet what I was talking about or if I even believed it.   None of the internal, reflective process had taken place yet in my yoga practice and until that happened, my practice would never be anything more than what you see on the pages of a Yoga Journal magazine; a superficial act, all for show, and a life with no depth.

It wasn't until I went through my 200hr teacher training that I was broken wide open and so many realizations came to the fore.  I began to see the role I played in various places I'd been in my life, from work to family to friends and realized that I had a terrible habit of placing blame on everyone else instead of taking responsibility for my own actions.  I saw sides of myself I never wanted to acknowledge; hurtful words spoken without thought, judgements and assumptions made out of ignorance, things I look back on now and cringe, but have since made peace with, and have weeded through the aspects of my life and myself that no longer serve me.  What emerged from the fiery depths of my own inner-turmoil is a wild-at-heart, fun loving, compassionate human being who just wants to bring the experience of yoga to as many people as possible so they too can reach within themselves and discover that great being that walks within them.

The challenge is recognizing how much you don't yet know and being okay with that and maybe commit to learning.   The ego, however, doesn't like to concede ignorance or be called wrong, so half-baked theories and excuses may surface to placate the ego until actual facts are attained.  To say, "I need to look into that and get back to you."is a perfectly acceptable answer to a question you don't yet have the answer for.  To pretend to know something you don't only hurts everyone involved...like a bull in a china shop.  When we speak and live from a place of absolute truth, the ego falls away and we live a life of freedom and expansion instead of one fear and contraction.

"A fool will think he is wise, while a wise man will admit he is a fool." ~ William Shakespeare

So where are you in your practice?  Can you admit to not having all the answers?  It takes courage to stand up to the ego and allow yourself to be humbled by the truth of your own ignorance.  And yet, in realizing how much there is to learn, the doors of possibility swing wide open and new thirst for knowledge can be born.  How thirsty are you to discover the depths of your own soul?

Namaste!

Kristen

The Way I Choose to See It.

So many of us wander through life unaware of our potential and becoming victims of circumstance. We just let life happen to us instead of taking an active role. Or perhaps we live too much in our past, reliving old hurts and disappointments.

Whatever reason we have for NOT being joyful every second of our life is silly really. Of course, things happen that anger or disappoint us, but how we deal with that is truly up to us as individuals. We can either let our emotions take us for a freaky roller coaster ride, or we can take a moment to step back and reassess the situation from a new perspective. Maybe the moment is too intense, in which case, it's best to walk away and collect oneself and take a few breaths. Once calm has been restored, what can be learned from that moment? What wisdom can be extracted from the experience that helps to mold new perspectives going forward? What was just learned about oneself from that experience?

Many people choose to wallow in anger, disappointment, guilt, shame, etc. That's not empowering! One falls victim to their experiences and emotions when they wallow in those states of mind. If people could simply learn to step back and look at the bigger picture and learn to transform those dis-empowering feelings into something more useful, like wisdom, insight and understanding, there would be so much more happiness in their lives. A simple shift in perspective with regard to "bad" experiences helps to let things go so one can move past that experience and in doing so removes that heavy burden that gets carried around on one's proverbial shoulders.

The wisdom one gains as they come out of those experiences literally transforms them into new people. Yes, they look the same from the outside. However, inside a profound transformation has occurred that has forever changed them; so much so that they will never again be the person they were before they experienced that transformation and insight about themselves and their life.

This is a beautiful thing! I liken it to the way a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. This metaphor is certainly an overused one, but it's always fitting.

What areas of your life need to be re-looked at? What emotions do you carry around that hold you back from being the person you want to be? How can a change of perspective benefit the relationships your have in your life? What beliefs were you raised with that may now come into question about life, people, religion, money, etc.?

Contemplating these things will no doubt open up a can of worms. And using this metaphor is also fitting, since things get messy when one really takes the time to reassess everything about their life. It's always messy at first, but the empowerment brought about by clarity is well worth it.

Namaste!

Kristen

NYT Article - Genuine Concern or Smear Campaign

Okay, so my last post gave perspective on how yoga can wreck your body and what you need to do to ensure that you have a healthy practice.  Good....glad we are clear on that.

On another note, I've been seeing that NYT article from a different angle.  This may sound paranoid, but hear me out.  I hate politics, but this seems plausible.

In the past 10 years or so, the yoga community has exploded.  In the past 5 years, it's really taken off.  Think about the circumstances over the past 5 or so years.  Economic turmoil, job losses, housing market chaos and healthcare reform.  The list goes on and many people have been thrust into a state of reflection and reevaluation due to these trying times.  Perhaps they turn to yoga as a way to alleviate the stress of losing a house or a job.  Moments of loss provide us with an opportunity to reflect and reassess our life and our goals.  We start to question if we still buy into the same beliefs we have adopted over time about society, religion and politics.  The time we spend on our mat can give us clear perspective about what is truly important to us.  We start to see that we can make a difference instead of letting ourselves and our lives be controlled by outside influences.

An interesting statistic that my teacher threw out during teacher training is that the vast majority of people who practice yoga are Caucasian with a college degree or higher and tend to fall into the category of "middle to upper-middle class", which is where most families rank in the U.S.  That's where the politicians need to get their votes from. However, if all these middle class families are now practicing yoga, they are more aware of what's happening in the world.  They begin contemplating what they value and the quality of life they would like to have for themselves and their families, instead of following the rest of the herd and voting for the candidate with the best presence at the podium or the candidate who will make history.  A very informed decision will be made about who will run the country next.  This is bad news for certain political parties if their priorities don't align with the rest of the country that truly wants change and will make a stand to get it.  Look back at Occupy Wall Street and all the other movements that took place to show that change is needed and sought after.

So was the NYT article published as simply an informative piece expressing genuine concern for the welfare of others?  Or was it published as a political smack and smear campaign against yoga in an attempt to regain control over society in a presidential election year?  We may never know for sure, but an article such as that preys on the narrow minded and fearful and when a headline like "How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body." is the first thing people see, they assume they don't need to read the whole article......all they see is "yoga can wreck your body."......and that is enough to keep them out of a yoga class.

Those in the know, know that yoga is more positive than negative.  It is reshaping our society and our culture for the better and politicians fear that people will really start to question them and hold them to their promises instead of simply voting for the guy who says he'll change things, but never does.  Society wants tangible results now, but the politicians want the people to be the sheep that will simply follow along mindlessly and be taken advantage of.  Enough!  We are yogins, and we have minds of our own and voices that will be heard and will make a difference.

Be the change you want see in the world.

Namaste!

Kristen

Unseen Fruit

As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, the signs of spring begin to show themselves. The crocus bloom, the tulips start to emerge, the hyacinth surface from the earth and the robins return to hopping across the grass looking for worms. Ah Spring! There is almost an audible stirring happening just below the surface. Everything is beginning to show promise and possibility.

Adrsta-phala (adreeshta-pala) is the Sanskrit word for "unseen fruit". When we plant our gardens, we open the packets of seeds, put them in the ground and never once second guess whether or not we will get tomatoes or peas. We take it on faith that the seeds we plant will produce the desired results. We believe in the unseen fruit.

Our life is like a garden and it works much the same way, but most of the time, we aren't conscious of the seeds we are planting. In fact, many of us plant seeds that produce poisonous fruit and let the weeds and pests take over the garden. We need to have awareness regarding the thoughts we think, the words we say and the actions we take. These are the seeds that we ultimately plant. This makes the difference between having a healthy, thriving garden or a weed bed with pests and poor soil. Which one do you want?

The greatest people in history who accomplished amazing things never once doubted that they would make their dreams come to fruition; nor did they have any idea how they would possibly get to their desired result. They believed in the unseen fruit. They had faith in their dreams and desires and did a little every day in the direction of their dreams. Through trial and error, learning the whole way, their dreams manifested. The Wright Brothers, Henry Ford, Einstein.....all amazing minds and they had big dreams that came into being through faith in the adrsta-phala.

Consider your garden for a moment. What does it look like in your mind's eye. Is it stirring with promise and possibility or is it an overgrown, unhealthy, weedy, pest infested mess? Here on the cusp of spring, consider what you want to grow in your garden and how you will tend to it. You can even practice this in an actual garden and make it something of a ritual to help you see the connection between you and your desires and how to properly nurture growth. Visualize and get clear about what you want; plant the seed of possibility with your intention. Tend to that desire with baby steps in that direction. Weed out doubt and distraction; which can be just as toxic as as planting bad seeds. Just like a real garden, you will begin to see the fruits of your efforts, but you must have consistent faith that the seeds you plant will bring you what you truly desire to have in this life. Just because you can not see it, does not mean it doesn't exist or won't exist.

To your continued growth....

Namaste!

Kristen

The Upside of Loss

In thinking about change, I consider those life changing events that happen where we lose something. Whether it's a job, a marriage, a house or the passing of a dear friend or family member, these events prompt us to question our lives and how we live them. It's those questions we ask of ourselves that open doors for change and growth.

When we become insightful in this way, it helps to sure up the foundations of who we are so we don't fall apart amidst the loss. The self discoveries we make during these hard times become the cement of our beings, reinforcing what is already in place, allowing us to build upon past experiences and helping us to be stronger going forward as we ascend as wiser and more divine beings.

All loss brings with it a fresh start and an opportunity to grow to be and do more with the life we've been given.

With an abundance of peace and love!

Namaste!

Kristen

A Contagious Energy

I cried on my yoga mat this morning. The passage the teacher read during Savasana struck a chord within me so powerful I couldn't resist the urge to just tear up. It spoke to my heart. One phrase in particular summed it up, "An idiot's joy." Wave after wave of gratitude just swept over me as the past three months flashed through my mind. My own transformation is so undeniably obvious and profound. I truly love who I am for the first time in my life and I feel completely unapologetic for parts of my personality, who I am and what I want out of this life that others may not agree with. It's who I truly am........take it or leave it.

But with this transformation comes an internal conflict which has me feeling anxious. I have spent the past three months surrounding myself with positive people who support each other. I have sought out opportunities to be consumed by their sense of community and radiant energy. They are all of like mind, open to possibilities, healthy and happy.....or so it seems. Regardless, they all carry with them an energy that gives off all these wonderful feelings of well being. I have immersed myself in that and in doing so have created my own energy which radiates out to others. It has drawn more people to me of like mind, body and spirit. I truly embrace that and welcome it. I'm so grateful to be surrounded by more people who share my energy and see yoga as an opportunity to grow as a person. I've grown so much within myself in such a short period of time, but there are those in my life who seem to have stopped growing or are just slow to catch up with me, and as such, our energies have a hard time matching up.

How do I reconcile this situation? Do I completely shut out those who carry a negative vibe? What if they are family; what then? How can I continue to grow and expand mentally and spiritually when I come face to face with guilt, cynicism and sarcasm from those who are closest to me, who know what I'm trying to do, see the benefits its had in my life, but still see it as a self-centered act with no consideration for my own family? I finally found myself on my yoga mat, I've finally found a peace within myself when I'm moving with my breath. It calms me when nothing else can. I feel like I'm being expected to return to the way things were as soon as I receive my YTT Certification. As if to say that the time I've had for myself, to discover myself has to end in order to get back to the business of being a wife and mother. What seems to fall by the wayside is that life is a journey, not a destination. Regardless of when my training ends, my journey and my growth continues and I will fight to have that acknowledged and respected.

I find myself seeking out those with energy like mine. My fellow trainees, my teachers, my students. Wanting to retreat to the comfort of their company when confronted with a negative energy. I've developed a longing for the vibrant energy I've allowed to consume me and take center stage in my mind and my heart, but at the same time, I'm confronted with guilt that I'm not doing enough to sustain the well being of those closest to me; those who demand the most of my time. I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds as I grapple with passion vs. obligation.

Through it all however, I'm still happier than I've ever been. Life comes with challenges. I can't have the AWESOME without the NOT SO AWESOME. In the end it becomes a balancing act in figuring out how to be joyful while still being surrounded by those who would prefer to kill my joy. It becomes a practice in patience, hoping others will eventually feel inspired and want to change their life and how they approach it. And if they don't, learning to accept it. It's a willingness to open my heart to feel love in every situation, making myself a beacon to others who are trying to find their way.

As the last weekend of teacher training approaches, my heart is sad. I will miss my fellow trainees, but I know that even though we may not see each other as often, if at all following graduation, we are all connected by that same radiant energy that flows through our hearts. That same energy that brought us all together has bound us forever.

With love, gratitude and devotion,

Namaste!

Kristen

Making Love To My Soul

I step from the shower and my husband says, "Why are you showering before yoga? You are just going to get all sweaty anyway."

At first, I showered out of consideration for my fellow yogis. There's nothing worse than practicing yoga in close quarters when your neighbor stinks like the bar from the night before.

As I've gone through my teacher training I've developed a new relationship with myself. I've gone from being entirely too hard on myself to being more accepting, loving and patient. My body has transformed from a borderline, not very strong 135lb. athletic build to a 127lb. yoga build that can do Chaturanga push-ups like nobody's business.....and enjoys it. So much has changed within me in a few short months. I'm a new person after all that's happened. I'm stronger, more focused, I'm more in touch with my breath and I'm all around more happy.

I've discovered that I am capable of so much more than I thought I was. I've opened up to the possibilities within myself and recognized the truth of who I really am. It's this recognition that changed my reason for showering before yoga.

In the beginning of teacher training, going to the 3 required weekly classes was a chore. My body felt beat up. I was frustrated with my practice because I had to start all over again and re-learn what I thought I knew. I spent the first month and a half loathing yoga. Some days I wouldn't bother showering before class. I came close to throwing in the towel and walking away. And then, one day, I woke up and felt good in my body.

It was at that point that I realized that all the pain I was feeling was just my body transforming and using muscles that I didn't know it had. I had finally emerged from my chrysalis and from then on, I learned to love myself more after all my body and mind had been through. I realized I had more inner strength, resilience and perseverance than I had previously believed. I had a new relationship with myself. I came in contact with my soul through it all.

Now every time I prepare for class, I shower, I shave, I brush my teeth and use mouthwash. And it's no longer just for my fellow yogi neighbors that are mere inches away. I see my time on my mat as a date with myself.....a date with my soul. And as I move through my practice, the heat builds, the pace quickens and the sweat pours off of me like never before.....and I love every moment of it! I'm making love to my soul when I come onto my mat.

Now I do my best to practice yoga as much as possible; some days I will practice twice in one day. I get giddy with excitement to practice alongside my fellow yogis. The room pulses with breath, energy and strength. I sometimes wonder if we are all practicing for the same reason. The energy in the room feels like we are.

Until next time......

May joy course through your veins as you experience a deeper sense of yourself through your practice.

Namaste!

Kristen

Yoga & Dragons

I just took my children to see "How To Train Your Dragon" yesterday. It was a great flick! I highly recommend seeing it.

I found myself making an interesting yoga connection during the movie; one that nearly brought me to tears with realization. The main character, Hiccup, was learing how to fly his dragon, but in order to do so he had to figure out how to manipulate the tail in order to fly straight. He had it all figured out and written down....as long as he followed his own instructions, he could fly the dragon okay. At one point, those instructions got blown away and Hiccup was forced to rely on his instincts to help his dragon fly. It was his instinct that made all the difference, not the crib sheets. He learned to trust himself and his abilities in order to soar with his dragon.

In yoga, we do much the same thing. When just beginning or even learning a new asana, it's like taking flying lessons for the first time. We may read about the poses and feel like we know exactly what to do until we actually do it. At first everything seems like such a huge effort. There are so many new sensations in the body; many of which take time to get used to. And once we figure out the basics, then we move on to fine tuning and refining the practice, so we can fly smoothly and effortlessly. We make our adjustments in our poses. We become familiar with certain sensations; so much so that we trust what we feel in our bodies to be the correct sensation in order to achieve our desired results. There is a liberation there when we know we can rely on our instincts to take us where we want to go in our bodies and in our practice.

As I work to refine my own practice, I reflect on this analogy so I too can learn to soar with my own dragon.

Thanks for reading!

Until Next Time........

May joy course through your veins as you experience a deeper sense of self through practice.

Namaste!

Kristen

Chrysalis

I take a moment to assess the damage.
Feeling all the sensations in my body.
I hurt......I ache.....I’ve never felt these muscles before.
Is this a good hurt or a bad hurt?
Frustration brings me to tears.
This can’t be right.
This isn’t in keeping with Ahimsa
I hurt and continue to press on. Am I crazy?
How much more can my body take?
Will I ever be able to go through my day again
And feel completely comfortable
Within my body?

As I consider abandoning my passions for want of a more comfortable existence,
I remember this:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over;
it became a butterfly.”

My body is transforming and awakening.
Other parts are just being born into awareness
And need to time to grow.
Tears of frustration turn to joy
I will nurture these parts of me and take the baby steps necessary
In order to emerge stronger than when I began
And take flight from my chrysalis into this new world
As a wiser and more enlightened being.

For nothing great has ever been accomplished without growing pains.


~ Kristen Luther ~