Reflection on my 500hr. YTT

Over the past week or so, I have had brief interactions with people from past experiences, some of which were challenging, but most were joyful.  It's of course the challenging experiences that I recall with the most sting.  For whatever reason, these etch themselves deeper than the happy moments, making them harder to forget.

The one I need to write about that I've recently had clarity on was the experience of going through my  500hr yoga teacher training.  That was a very difficult experience for me for a number of reasons.

1. I felt a lot of negative energy coming from the husband/wife teacher duo in part because I asked a lot of questions and needed more reassurance than they wanted to give during the 200hr training. For that, I was invisibly branded as a "problem".

2.  I was still dealing with a shoulder injury that one of those teachers refused to help me with, leaving me no choice but to seek help from a physical therapist, who thankfully has become a dear friend and mentor to me, showing me that my "teacher" was actually doing more harm than good for his students.  In hindsight, it wasn't my teacher's job to fix me, but I was still learning these things.

3. I realize now as I look back, I was going through a depression during my training.  The negative energy that was aimed in my direction during training only served to make me more insecure than I already was.  Other trainees began treating me with the same negativity as the two teachers who seemed to do everything in their power make me feel excluded and unwanted.  I experienced moments where I was completely inconsolable....crying in the middle of the Hanuman Chalisa because I hadn't memorized the words when I thought I should have by that point.  Even though I'd been teaching consistently and confidently for more than 2 years at that time, I couldn't  teach in front of these teachers without crying, because I feared their criticism of me.  I was paralyzed by my own insecurity at that time and the practice that I loved became one that I loathed and even considered giving up.

As I look back, I recall the moment I met my insecurity and confronted it.  It was this troll-like creature that would sit in the back of my head and tell me lies. I avoided my practice and my fellow trainees, believing the insecurity that had its death grip on me.

"Why would you go to class? It's not like they want you there."
"No one likes you. Just stay home.  It's safer here."
"You aren't good enough to teach.  Why waste your time with training?"
"You're so stupid.  No one wants to hear what you have to say."

This voice, was actually the unspoken words of my teachers that were energetically communicated to me.  Sadly, for a while, I believed them.

When I finally realized what was going on and that these were lies, I called it out and took back my power and went to class.  It was supposed to be a Follow The Yogi class with the one teacher who made me feel the smallest and I felt good enough to march into class, practice fiercely and not feel insecure.  As luck would have it that day, he wasn't teaching.  Probably for the best anyway.

Here it is now, two years later and much has changed....for the better. That negative energy is no longer present in my life with exception of people who were in that training with me, watched me battle my demons and have since kept their distance and only exchange the bare minimum of pleasantries with me.  When that happens, it stings.  It's a throwback of what I went through during that time and reminds me that people still exist in this world who are scared of those who show the world their truth vs. only sharing what people want to see.  Yes, I made people uncomfortable by crying openly and presenting myself as emotionally wounded, but I survived it and I learned from it.  Doesn't that make me worth knowing?  Or is it just better to keep a distance between your safe existence and my honest experience? I need to remember, it's not about me.....everyone is fighting their own battle whether they are aware of it or not.  If someone feels uncomfortable around me, that says more about them than it does about me.  I'm just being true to myself.

There are those who attended that same training who have remained true friends. They held me up during that trying time and reassured me when I needed it most.  I was the insecure Hanuman and they were the villagers who sang my praises to help me make the confident leap back to my truth and my joy.  Even though I don't speak to them on a regular basis, I love them for their support and their kindness when others just dismissed me as pathetic and hopeless.

Today, I am head yoga teacher for Kure Yoga and Wellness in Norwalk, CT.  I have big plans to bring  a new way of doing things onto the yoga mat.  My confidence is not so easily rocked these days and I look forward to having a team that will share in my vision.

All that has happened to this point has shaped me into the person I am today.  I have the experience, the wisdom and the knowledge to do things now that I never dreamed possible.  For that, I am truly grateful!

Namaste!

Kristen

I Matter, Damnit!!!

During my 500 hour yoga teacher training class, I was asked to get up and teach part of class.  I was teaching to backbends.  But it's not that simple.  While teaching backbends, I needed to be adjusting students AND weave in the theme of the class.  That's where I get stuck, is in the integrating the theme as I teach and adjust.  My teacher saw I was stuggling and had me sit at the front of the room, close my eyes and teach.  I was crying right out of the gate, but why?  I've been teaching for a little more than 2 years and my students have nothing but praise for me.  As Tracy said, I'm a celebrated teacher and inspire my students, so I should have nothing to fear when it comes to teaching a room full of exquisite teachers.  But I do. 

For a while, there has been this under current of self depreciation.  I've been feeling a lot like my voice doesn't matter; that I don't matter, that I am less important than others and therefore unworthy.  Right around the time I injured my shoulder, another person made me feel like my injury was insignificant and left me to fend for myself.  This person didn't believe I was truly injured.  This wounded my spirit in a way I never expected.  I suddenly felt exiled from my kula and the voice I had discovered within myself through yoga disappeared and my walls went back up.  I felt like I didn't matter anymore and I closed myself off.

As I reflect back on this experience, I begin to realize that my difficulty with speaking to a group and opening up the conversation comes from feeling unworthy and feeling like anything I say really won't matter or worse, be criticized.  Intrinsically, I know that's completely untrue.  And in order to say something that will make a difference, I need to let my guard down so I can be myself and truly speak from my heart.  That's terrifying for me since I have been so guarded.  I know I can affect change in others by what I say and how I say it to get them to think.  However, there's a block.  And I think that comes from not knowing where my convictions lie; or rather having become so disconnected from them for far too long to the point that I'm not sure anymore.  What do I truly believe in with all my heart that I can speak to that would benefit someone else if I share it?  Or have I become so mindlessly numb that all I know how to do is operate on a superficial level?

It's going to take some work to get back to where I was spiritually in relation to myself, but it comes down to this:  We all matter!  Afterall, what is matter?  It's substance, mass, weight, tangible.  These are things we all are that no one can alter or take from us with mere words.  When we let that happen, we give away our power.  We are infinite beings with immense potential and nothing but promise lies before us.  If we let things from the past hold us back, we will never realize our potential.  We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.  Sometimes simply finding the courage to believe that and believe in ourselves is the hardest part.

Namaste!

Kristen

NYT Article - Genuine Concern or Smear Campaign

Okay, so my last post gave perspective on how yoga can wreck your body and what you need to do to ensure that you have a healthy practice.  Good....glad we are clear on that.

On another note, I've been seeing that NYT article from a different angle.  This may sound paranoid, but hear me out.  I hate politics, but this seems plausible.

In the past 10 years or so, the yoga community has exploded.  In the past 5 years, it's really taken off.  Think about the circumstances over the past 5 or so years.  Economic turmoil, job losses, housing market chaos and healthcare reform.  The list goes on and many people have been thrust into a state of reflection and reevaluation due to these trying times.  Perhaps they turn to yoga as a way to alleviate the stress of losing a house or a job.  Moments of loss provide us with an opportunity to reflect and reassess our life and our goals.  We start to question if we still buy into the same beliefs we have adopted over time about society, religion and politics.  The time we spend on our mat can give us clear perspective about what is truly important to us.  We start to see that we can make a difference instead of letting ourselves and our lives be controlled by outside influences.

An interesting statistic that my teacher threw out during teacher training is that the vast majority of people who practice yoga are Caucasian with a college degree or higher and tend to fall into the category of "middle to upper-middle class", which is where most families rank in the U.S.  That's where the politicians need to get their votes from. However, if all these middle class families are now practicing yoga, they are more aware of what's happening in the world.  They begin contemplating what they value and the quality of life they would like to have for themselves and their families, instead of following the rest of the herd and voting for the candidate with the best presence at the podium or the candidate who will make history.  A very informed decision will be made about who will run the country next.  This is bad news for certain political parties if their priorities don't align with the rest of the country that truly wants change and will make a stand to get it.  Look back at Occupy Wall Street and all the other movements that took place to show that change is needed and sought after.

So was the NYT article published as simply an informative piece expressing genuine concern for the welfare of others?  Or was it published as a political smack and smear campaign against yoga in an attempt to regain control over society in a presidential election year?  We may never know for sure, but an article such as that preys on the narrow minded and fearful and when a headline like "How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body." is the first thing people see, they assume they don't need to read the whole article......all they see is "yoga can wreck your body."......and that is enough to keep them out of a yoga class.

Those in the know, know that yoga is more positive than negative.  It is reshaping our society and our culture for the better and politicians fear that people will really start to question them and hold them to their promises instead of simply voting for the guy who says he'll change things, but never does.  Society wants tangible results now, but the politicians want the people to be the sheep that will simply follow along mindlessly and be taken advantage of.  Enough!  We are yogins, and we have minds of our own and voices that will be heard and will make a difference.

Be the change you want see in the world.

Namaste!

Kristen

Swerving Into Oncoming Traffic

I've taken my asana practice from a vigorous vinyasa and sloppy alignment back to a basic level with more mindful movement. My ego still taunts me as I put myself in the hands of my teachers, admitting I need help with what I thought was a beautiful and mindful practice. Surrendering now to teachers who have watched my progress over the past year, possibly cringing, and now showing me where I've gone wrong as I work to correct my practice.

Was I that cocky to think that my asana practice was so strong that it didn't need correcting? Have I really become so wrapped up in asana that I've forgotten the core values of yoga? That all that matters is how bendy I can get or how strong I can be to hold an arm balance? I'm no better than the typical gym rat who simply obsesses about MORE. I rarely take the time to read about the core tenets of yoga and how to best incorporate them into my life.

I want to be a good example to my students and my injury to my back has given me pause. I am so far away from where I was during teacher training. When I decided I wanted to be a yoga teacher, I did so because I wanted to help others work out their own lives through the practice of yoga. Only problem is that I haven't been practicing yoga.......I've only been practicing asana.

In the day-to-day hustle of getting kids off to school and me off to class either to practice or teach and then run errands if I have time, I have forgotten to look around or even notice my own thoughts and actions. It's just go, go, go and don't dare stop until everyone is happy.

I've been so busy that I barely noticed that I've disconnected from myself. My soul. The part of me that I came to know and love so fiercely over the course of teacher training and have now lost sight of. That was my yoga. That changed how I moved through the course of my day and treated people I came in contact with. I felt connected to myself and the world around me in the best way. Now I simply move through the motions, not thinking mindfully enough about the impact my words or actions may have and possibly hurting myself or others by being careless. It's kind of like accidentally swerving into oncoming traffic. You need to pay attention to the road.

And so it's a metaphor for my practice. I move on my mat the way I move through life.....thinking I'm doing everything right, but not really paying attention until the proof is in my face that what I was doing was wrong. Admitting to being wrong is where my ego steps in. As a perfectionist, being wrong is just a tough pill to swallow. So I reluctantly surrender, cry a bit and then ask for help and cry some more as I ask for that help. My ego making me feel ashamed as if to say, "Nice job. Fine mess you have made of yourself.", glaring down at me in disappointment. And then it laughs at me while I cry.

I know it's all in my head.....and it's twisted and cruel what my own thoughts will do to me. But this is what I get for disconnecting from my soul by not being more mindful. As I learn to reconnect and get back to that place of peace I found within myself, the cruel voice of my ego will soften and be more nurturing as it was during teacher training. I need to learn to be friends with myself again instead of being the overly demanding boss that expects nothing less than perfect.

With an abundance of love and gratitude.

Namaste!

Kristen

A Contagious Energy

I cried on my yoga mat this morning. The passage the teacher read during Savasana struck a chord within me so powerful I couldn't resist the urge to just tear up. It spoke to my heart. One phrase in particular summed it up, "An idiot's joy." Wave after wave of gratitude just swept over me as the past three months flashed through my mind. My own transformation is so undeniably obvious and profound. I truly love who I am for the first time in my life and I feel completely unapologetic for parts of my personality, who I am and what I want out of this life that others may not agree with. It's who I truly am........take it or leave it.

But with this transformation comes an internal conflict which has me feeling anxious. I have spent the past three months surrounding myself with positive people who support each other. I have sought out opportunities to be consumed by their sense of community and radiant energy. They are all of like mind, open to possibilities, healthy and happy.....or so it seems. Regardless, they all carry with them an energy that gives off all these wonderful feelings of well being. I have immersed myself in that and in doing so have created my own energy which radiates out to others. It has drawn more people to me of like mind, body and spirit. I truly embrace that and welcome it. I'm so grateful to be surrounded by more people who share my energy and see yoga as an opportunity to grow as a person. I've grown so much within myself in such a short period of time, but there are those in my life who seem to have stopped growing or are just slow to catch up with me, and as such, our energies have a hard time matching up.

How do I reconcile this situation? Do I completely shut out those who carry a negative vibe? What if they are family; what then? How can I continue to grow and expand mentally and spiritually when I come face to face with guilt, cynicism and sarcasm from those who are closest to me, who know what I'm trying to do, see the benefits its had in my life, but still see it as a self-centered act with no consideration for my own family? I finally found myself on my yoga mat, I've finally found a peace within myself when I'm moving with my breath. It calms me when nothing else can. I feel like I'm being expected to return to the way things were as soon as I receive my YTT Certification. As if to say that the time I've had for myself, to discover myself has to end in order to get back to the business of being a wife and mother. What seems to fall by the wayside is that life is a journey, not a destination. Regardless of when my training ends, my journey and my growth continues and I will fight to have that acknowledged and respected.

I find myself seeking out those with energy like mine. My fellow trainees, my teachers, my students. Wanting to retreat to the comfort of their company when confronted with a negative energy. I've developed a longing for the vibrant energy I've allowed to consume me and take center stage in my mind and my heart, but at the same time, I'm confronted with guilt that I'm not doing enough to sustain the well being of those closest to me; those who demand the most of my time. I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds as I grapple with passion vs. obligation.

Through it all however, I'm still happier than I've ever been. Life comes with challenges. I can't have the AWESOME without the NOT SO AWESOME. In the end it becomes a balancing act in figuring out how to be joyful while still being surrounded by those who would prefer to kill my joy. It becomes a practice in patience, hoping others will eventually feel inspired and want to change their life and how they approach it. And if they don't, learning to accept it. It's a willingness to open my heart to feel love in every situation, making myself a beacon to others who are trying to find their way.

As the last weekend of teacher training approaches, my heart is sad. I will miss my fellow trainees, but I know that even though we may not see each other as often, if at all following graduation, we are all connected by that same radiant energy that flows through our hearts. That same energy that brought us all together has bound us forever.

With love, gratitude and devotion,

Namaste!

Kristen

Making Love To My Soul

I step from the shower and my husband says, "Why are you showering before yoga? You are just going to get all sweaty anyway."

At first, I showered out of consideration for my fellow yogis. There's nothing worse than practicing yoga in close quarters when your neighbor stinks like the bar from the night before.

As I've gone through my teacher training I've developed a new relationship with myself. I've gone from being entirely too hard on myself to being more accepting, loving and patient. My body has transformed from a borderline, not very strong 135lb. athletic build to a 127lb. yoga build that can do Chaturanga push-ups like nobody's business.....and enjoys it. So much has changed within me in a few short months. I'm a new person after all that's happened. I'm stronger, more focused, I'm more in touch with my breath and I'm all around more happy.

I've discovered that I am capable of so much more than I thought I was. I've opened up to the possibilities within myself and recognized the truth of who I really am. It's this recognition that changed my reason for showering before yoga.

In the beginning of teacher training, going to the 3 required weekly classes was a chore. My body felt beat up. I was frustrated with my practice because I had to start all over again and re-learn what I thought I knew. I spent the first month and a half loathing yoga. Some days I wouldn't bother showering before class. I came close to throwing in the towel and walking away. And then, one day, I woke up and felt good in my body.

It was at that point that I realized that all the pain I was feeling was just my body transforming and using muscles that I didn't know it had. I had finally emerged from my chrysalis and from then on, I learned to love myself more after all my body and mind had been through. I realized I had more inner strength, resilience and perseverance than I had previously believed. I had a new relationship with myself. I came in contact with my soul through it all.

Now every time I prepare for class, I shower, I shave, I brush my teeth and use mouthwash. And it's no longer just for my fellow yogi neighbors that are mere inches away. I see my time on my mat as a date with myself.....a date with my soul. And as I move through my practice, the heat builds, the pace quickens and the sweat pours off of me like never before.....and I love every moment of it! I'm making love to my soul when I come onto my mat.

Now I do my best to practice yoga as much as possible; some days I will practice twice in one day. I get giddy with excitement to practice alongside my fellow yogis. The room pulses with breath, energy and strength. I sometimes wonder if we are all practicing for the same reason. The energy in the room feels like we are.

Until next time......

May joy course through your veins as you experience a deeper sense of yourself through your practice.

Namaste!

Kristen

Chrysalis

I take a moment to assess the damage.
Feeling all the sensations in my body.
I hurt......I ache.....I’ve never felt these muscles before.
Is this a good hurt or a bad hurt?
Frustration brings me to tears.
This can’t be right.
This isn’t in keeping with Ahimsa
I hurt and continue to press on. Am I crazy?
How much more can my body take?
Will I ever be able to go through my day again
And feel completely comfortable
Within my body?

As I consider abandoning my passions for want of a more comfortable existence,
I remember this:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over;
it became a butterfly.”

My body is transforming and awakening.
Other parts are just being born into awareness
And need to time to grow.
Tears of frustration turn to joy
I will nurture these parts of me and take the baby steps necessary
In order to emerge stronger than when I began
And take flight from my chrysalis into this new world
As a wiser and more enlightened being.

For nothing great has ever been accomplished without growing pains.


~ Kristen Luther ~

My Training In Progress

A month of Teacher Training has already passed and I can honestly say I have learned SO much!!! I was so intimidated after the first weekend when I was made aware that my Chaturanga Dandasana was incorrect. As someone who teaches yoga in the gym environment currently, I was ready to surrender my status as teacher for a while until I learned everything. But I have to say that I'm glad I didn't do that as it's afforded me the opportunity to practice all that I have learned in my teacher training. Most of my students are grateful that I'm teaching them the correct forms and alignment for the poses we do in class the most (i.e. Sun Salutations). There are some who have stopped coming to my class for fear that my style has change so drastically that they won't enjoy it anymore.



So my first weekend was all about grieving the loss of my beloved Chaturanga as we learned the correct forms and alignments for the Sun Salutation. The Chaturanga I was so proud of being able to do (even though I was doing it wrong and had no idea). I wept over that for far too long, but I've since corrected my Chaturanga and am happy to let the old one take a hike given that it wasn't helping me to build any strength in my back. The same strength I need to do arm balances and inversions.

The second weekend was all about Standing Poses, symmetrical and asymmetrical. All these standing poses, I thought I was doing correctly. I thought I looked beautiful in......brought a grace to them......yadda, yadda.....nada, nada. My hips were too far out, my knees were hyper extended, my shoulders were all wrong. Yikes! I'm surprised I wasn't injured from everything I was doing wrong. I now have a much better appreciation for how the poses are supposed to look and feel. However, trying to teach these to my class is tough; many of my students choose to ignore me. Sadly, in the gym, I'm not allowed to touch them, so helping them to really feel the pose is next to impossible. I need to find some really good analogies to work into my verbal queues so they know what to do and how to feel in the poses.


Our third and most recent weekend, we explored back bends. I never thought I would get so emotional from back bends, but as Mitchel stated, as bi-peds, we are so vulnerable since we walk around with our organs exposed.....unlike most other vertebrates on earth that live on all 4's. When coming into a back bend, I found myself feeling very vulnerable and really insecure; especially as my low back became sore and I lost my endurance for holding the back bends and compromising my form. Not only was I feeling insecure, but I was damn frustrated!!! And when I get frustrated, I cry. It's times like this that I know I have to shut off the part of my brain that tells me I need to be perfect at everything.




I never made this much effort in high school or even in college, but I didn't know then what really made me passionate. I thought it was writing at first, but after a while that fizzled.....then I thought psychology was a really interesting field and got my BA in that, but very honestly, I don't feel the pull to get a masters degree in that, so my psych degree just helps me size up people now. It wasn't until I found yoga at a crucial turning point in my life that I realized that this is what I LOVE. And it's because I LOVE it that I'm such a perfectionist with it. I want to get it right, right away, but I also know that's unrealistic. I try to keep in mind what Mitchel told the class, "You will fall in your yoga practice. And if you don't, it means you aren't trying hard enough." I've fallen a few times.....just little trip ups here and there, but at least I know I'm trying my hardest and my mistakes show me where I need to adjust. That's the best part about falling.....the learning that comes from it.


Until Next Time......


Thanks for reading!


Namaste!


Kristen

Yoga Preparations

I'm less than a week away from beginning my 200 hour teacher training at Saraswati's Yoga Joint. I've been preparing my body for what I expect to be an inspirational and challenging education in the practice of yoga. Perhaps I shouldn't be so concerned about being physically prepared, but I guess I want to ensure a decent progression in my yoga practice. Not only have I been working with a personal trainer to strengthen my core and upper body, but I also began taking a Master Yoga Class on Mondays from 12-2 at a nearby studio in my town (sorry Saraswati, it's what worked with my schedule) so I could familiarize myself with more advanced yoga postures that I haven't had access to because I feel better having a teacher teach me who knows what they are doing instead of leaving it to chance by teaching myself. Three weeks ago, you couldn't possibly get me to do a forearm stand....even against a wall. The whole idea that I should be looking at my hands and not back through my legs was a tough one to get my head around at first. Now, I can get myself into a forearm stand on the first try (still against a wall) and I practically look for opportunities to practice this new skill. To finally feel comfortable being inverted opens up all sorts of new doorways for my yoga practice. Now to get more comfortable doing other more complicated arm balances.

The master class that I've been attending at Yogi Brian's has been a wealth of information for me and has brought about an awareness in my body that I didn't have before. I always thought I was pretty aware, but my knees had been giving me an issue, so Brian Buturla introduced me to some anatomy books that pertain to yoga. With the use of those books I've been able to pretty much pinpoint the trigger asanas that irritate my knees and also figure out which exercises I can do to minimize future irritaions. I have also discovered a way to heal them simply using food. By food, I mean avocados. The fats in avocados not only work to lubricate the joints, but they also minimize pain and inflamation. AWESOME!!! Good thing I love avocados! Since I plan to teach privately once I get my 200 hour yoga teacher certification, I saw that my favorite on-line retailer for business cards was having this HUGE sale on all sorts of things I could use to promote myself. And they had this beautiful design for their business cards, postcards and envelopes that look like henna. Gorgeous! I had them made and they arrived a couple days ago. I couldn't be happier......or more prepared. I know I'm kind of putting the cart before the horse, but I can't imagine anything other than having a deeper love and appreciation for yoga after I get my certification.....and the only thing I will want to do is share that with the world! So I might as well be prepared. And might I add, I had SO much fun designing the cards. I just love the "icing on the cake". Here's what they look like. The cards, postcards and envelopes. Aren't they pretty?!






I'm really looking forward to starting my formal yoga education. I will be sure to share my learnings and insights along the way.

Until next time......


Thanks for reading!


Namaste!


Kristen

Private Yoga Instructor

Greetings and Welcome!

My name is Kristen. Allow me to share with you a love of yoga and a way of life that will transform you from the inside out. The yogic way of life serves to bring about a mindfulness of one's self and that of others and the world around them. Classes will include meditation, vinyasa yoga flow with oodles of inspiration. Join me on a journey of self exploration into the depths of your abilities in mind, body and spirit.

Beginning July 15th, I will be offering private yoga instruction. I will happily come to your home and teach yoga for an hour.

My certifications will include the following:

AFAA Yoga Instructor Certification
200 hour Yoga Instructor Certification(completed by June 13, 2010 thru Saraswati's Yoga Joint)
Red Cross CPR Certification(renewed yearly)

Rates and availability will be posted closer to the start date of my private practice.

May you recognize the truth of who you are and the beauty of your being and may you live each day honoring your truest self; and honoring all who cross your path.

Namaste!


Kristen