I Matter, Damnit!!!

During my 500 hour yoga teacher training class, I was asked to get up and teach part of class.  I was teaching to backbends.  But it's not that simple.  While teaching backbends, I needed to be adjusting students AND weave in the theme of the class.  That's where I get stuck, is in the integrating the theme as I teach and adjust.  My teacher saw I was stuggling and had me sit at the front of the room, close my eyes and teach.  I was crying right out of the gate, but why?  I've been teaching for a little more than 2 years and my students have nothing but praise for me.  As Tracy said, I'm a celebrated teacher and inspire my students, so I should have nothing to fear when it comes to teaching a room full of exquisite teachers.  But I do. 

For a while, there has been this under current of self depreciation.  I've been feeling a lot like my voice doesn't matter; that I don't matter, that I am less important than others and therefore unworthy.  Right around the time I injured my shoulder, another person made me feel like my injury was insignificant and left me to fend for myself.  This person didn't believe I was truly injured.  This wounded my spirit in a way I never expected.  I suddenly felt exiled from my kula and the voice I had discovered within myself through yoga disappeared and my walls went back up.  I felt like I didn't matter anymore and I closed myself off.

As I reflect back on this experience, I begin to realize that my difficulty with speaking to a group and opening up the conversation comes from feeling unworthy and feeling like anything I say really won't matter or worse, be criticized.  Intrinsically, I know that's completely untrue.  And in order to say something that will make a difference, I need to let my guard down so I can be myself and truly speak from my heart.  That's terrifying for me since I have been so guarded.  I know I can affect change in others by what I say and how I say it to get them to think.  However, there's a block.  And I think that comes from not knowing where my convictions lie; or rather having become so disconnected from them for far too long to the point that I'm not sure anymore.  What do I truly believe in with all my heart that I can speak to that would benefit someone else if I share it?  Or have I become so mindlessly numb that all I know how to do is operate on a superficial level?

It's going to take some work to get back to where I was spiritually in relation to myself, but it comes down to this:  We all matter!  Afterall, what is matter?  It's substance, mass, weight, tangible.  These are things we all are that no one can alter or take from us with mere words.  When we let that happen, we give away our power.  We are infinite beings with immense potential and nothing but promise lies before us.  If we let things from the past hold us back, we will never realize our potential.  We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.  Sometimes simply finding the courage to believe that and believe in ourselves is the hardest part.

Namaste!

Kristen

When all else fails....

Despite the discomfort in my back, I practiced yoga yesterday morning at the beloved Saraswati's Yoga Joint. I've been feeling so disconnected from my kula and I was dying to get back on my mat and just move my body. I made a promise with myself before class began that I would modify heavily to accommodate my back. Normally I would've intercepted Donna before class just to give her a heads up, but class got going a few minutes late, so I opted to just keep my promise to myself and not worry about it.

I moved well through most of class, albeit much slower than I normally do. I needed to be mindful of every movement and every muscle engagement to ensure I was practicing as safely as possible. I wasn't concerned with keeping up with everyone else.......I just wanted to practice moving consciously. I made sure to scoop my tailbone in every Cobra and engage my core continually through class since I have recently discovered actually diminishes the pain in my back quite significantly. However, the extent to which I must engage my core is hard to maintain over very long periods of time, so I move through waves of pain and comfort throughout the day.

Class was going well until we moved into back bends. Dhanurasana and Salabhasana are not terrible on my back, but when Donna called out Ustrasana, I went straight into Child's Pose. My ego again taunting me and I fought back tears of frustration. It's hard for me to accept that I can't do a pose when I've worked so hard to bring my practice to where it is. As a perfectionist, I want to be able to do do everything well and when I'm forced to take 10 steps backward; even if it is for the best, I feel a kind of shame.....like I have been forced to give up when I never wanted to quit.

As class moved on, we came to Bridge Pose and Urdvha Dhanurasana. I figured I would be okay in Bridge Pose the whole time. I used a block between my thighs and made sure my ankles squeezed towards each other, I made sure my knees reached in one direction as my chest reached in the other. I made sure not to squeeze my glutes and even used my hands to support my low back. I engaged my abs, but to no happy endings. When we were done and came into Supta Padangustasana, I closed my eyes. My back stung and tears streamed from the corners of my eyes onto my mat. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do to create a comfortable Bridge Pose and got a world of hurt instead. When you do everything in your power to try and make it better for yourself in the pose and nothing works, what then? No Bridge Pose for a while as well? Back bends are supposed to be the most therapeutic poses in yoga when done correctly. So what now?

I had plans to take Mitchel's class Tuesday night since he knows of my back issues and can offer adjustments during class that may bring relief to my back. After yesterday's class, I have offered to help assist Mitchel with adjustments during his class instead of potentially putting myself in another painful situation.

I have tried to correct my poses in an effort to alleviate my pain. Acupuncture may be next or a private session with Mitchel. My asana practice doesn't feel like a wise option right now, so when all else fails......teach. The silver lining on this whole issue is that I'm learning (the hard way) what I need to tell my students to do in their practice to avoid injury and back pain. In the end it just makes me a much better teacher and one my students will trust.

With an abundance of love and gratitude.

Namaste!

Kristen

Backing Down

I am one of those people who rarely backs down from a challenge. If you tell me I can't do something, I will do everything in my power to prove you wrong. That's clearly my ego getting the best of me and me giving in to it.

In terms of my asana practice, this presents a problem. In all my striving to advance my practice, I will sometimes ignore the pain or discomfort in my body simply to prove to myself that I can do a certain pose. I will rationalize that what I feel is merely sore muscles from the practice the day before and that what I feel is just part of the process of teaching my body more advanced asana. What has to happen before I will honor the truth of what my body is telling me or must I learn the hard way and put myself in a situation where a certain pose will literally "break the yogi's back"?

Ever since I learned how to properly go into back bends, I am periodically plagued with pain in my lower back that clearly suggests I'm not doing my back bends correctly. How can this be? I teach back bends to my students and yet, I myself can't do one consistently without hurting myself? Now, this isn't always the case. Sometimes I go into a back bend with all the planets aligned and suffer no ill repercussions.....in fact, I end up wanting to do more, but more often than not, my back will pinch, ache and spasm following my attempts.

So here I am, sitting on my mat, fighting it out with my ego, trying not to let it get the best of me. The teacher says to the class as we are about to come into Ustrasana, "Please listen to your body before you listen to my voice."

The words offered comfort and a way out and I knew it was okay to back down from my self-created challenge of going into a pose that I knew would sting my back and most certainly make me cry. With frustration boiling in my blood and tears beginning to well up in my eyes, I surrender to Child's Pose, my mind creating the illusion of defeat.

What have I learned? No amount of ego tripping is worth hurting myself or taking a situation from bad to worse. My body knows what it needs and I have to learn to honor that and take better care of myself so my body can take better care of me. Just because I am unable to come into a pose over the course of several classes does not mean that I am broken and will never be able to perform back bends ever again. This is a bump in the road on my journey through my yoga practice. It serves as a reminder to recognize when I am allowing my ego to push my buttons to the point of ignoring the needs of my body for the sake of feeling victorious in my practice.

After all, if you don't listen to the signals your body is giving, you are more or less beating yourself up. In the end, the body will take you out when it's had enough. What does that say about how you feel about yourself if you are continually beating yourself up to satisfy your ego? Yoga is about connection and honoring the connections between yourself and all living and non-living things. When you ignore the connections closest to you, you need to ask why. What is going on in your life that pushes you to beat yourself up and act out in ways contrary to the values at the core of yoga? We want to move and act from a place of love and joy, and when we aren't feeling those things; it shows in our practice on and off our mats. We become competitive with ourselves and those around us. Perhaps we or others have expectations of us that we aren't living up to and then we "punish" ourselves on our mat trying to at least live up to our own expectations in our asana practice. After all, its just yoga.....isn't it?

Be gentle, forgiving and patient with yourself. We have perfection residing within each of us, but that doesn't mean we are infallible or indestructible.

By backing down and not giving into the ego, you are sending a clear and loving message to yourself that shows you love yourself enough to modify to your abilities, that you honor your body and in the act of honoring yourself, are truly practicing yoga.

With an abundance of love and gratitude!

Namaste!

Kristen

My Training In Progress

A month of Teacher Training has already passed and I can honestly say I have learned SO much!!! I was so intimidated after the first weekend when I was made aware that my Chaturanga Dandasana was incorrect. As someone who teaches yoga in the gym environment currently, I was ready to surrender my status as teacher for a while until I learned everything. But I have to say that I'm glad I didn't do that as it's afforded me the opportunity to practice all that I have learned in my teacher training. Most of my students are grateful that I'm teaching them the correct forms and alignment for the poses we do in class the most (i.e. Sun Salutations). There are some who have stopped coming to my class for fear that my style has change so drastically that they won't enjoy it anymore.



So my first weekend was all about grieving the loss of my beloved Chaturanga as we learned the correct forms and alignments for the Sun Salutation. The Chaturanga I was so proud of being able to do (even though I was doing it wrong and had no idea). I wept over that for far too long, but I've since corrected my Chaturanga and am happy to let the old one take a hike given that it wasn't helping me to build any strength in my back. The same strength I need to do arm balances and inversions.

The second weekend was all about Standing Poses, symmetrical and asymmetrical. All these standing poses, I thought I was doing correctly. I thought I looked beautiful in......brought a grace to them......yadda, yadda.....nada, nada. My hips were too far out, my knees were hyper extended, my shoulders were all wrong. Yikes! I'm surprised I wasn't injured from everything I was doing wrong. I now have a much better appreciation for how the poses are supposed to look and feel. However, trying to teach these to my class is tough; many of my students choose to ignore me. Sadly, in the gym, I'm not allowed to touch them, so helping them to really feel the pose is next to impossible. I need to find some really good analogies to work into my verbal queues so they know what to do and how to feel in the poses.


Our third and most recent weekend, we explored back bends. I never thought I would get so emotional from back bends, but as Mitchel stated, as bi-peds, we are so vulnerable since we walk around with our organs exposed.....unlike most other vertebrates on earth that live on all 4's. When coming into a back bend, I found myself feeling very vulnerable and really insecure; especially as my low back became sore and I lost my endurance for holding the back bends and compromising my form. Not only was I feeling insecure, but I was damn frustrated!!! And when I get frustrated, I cry. It's times like this that I know I have to shut off the part of my brain that tells me I need to be perfect at everything.




I never made this much effort in high school or even in college, but I didn't know then what really made me passionate. I thought it was writing at first, but after a while that fizzled.....then I thought psychology was a really interesting field and got my BA in that, but very honestly, I don't feel the pull to get a masters degree in that, so my psych degree just helps me size up people now. It wasn't until I found yoga at a crucial turning point in my life that I realized that this is what I LOVE. And it's because I LOVE it that I'm such a perfectionist with it. I want to get it right, right away, but I also know that's unrealistic. I try to keep in mind what Mitchel told the class, "You will fall in your yoga practice. And if you don't, it means you aren't trying hard enough." I've fallen a few times.....just little trip ups here and there, but at least I know I'm trying my hardest and my mistakes show me where I need to adjust. That's the best part about falling.....the learning that comes from it.


Until Next Time......


Thanks for reading!


Namaste!


Kristen