Reflection on my 500hr. YTT

Over the past week or so, I have had brief interactions with people from past experiences, some of which were challenging, but most were joyful.  It's of course the challenging experiences that I recall with the most sting.  For whatever reason, these etch themselves deeper than the happy moments, making them harder to forget.

The one I need to write about that I've recently had clarity on was the experience of going through my  500hr yoga teacher training.  That was a very difficult experience for me for a number of reasons.

1. I felt a lot of negative energy coming from the husband/wife teacher duo in part because I asked a lot of questions and needed more reassurance than they wanted to give during the 200hr training. For that, I was invisibly branded as a "problem".

2.  I was still dealing with a shoulder injury that one of those teachers refused to help me with, leaving me no choice but to seek help from a physical therapist, who thankfully has become a dear friend and mentor to me, showing me that my "teacher" was actually doing more harm than good for his students.  In hindsight, it wasn't my teacher's job to fix me, but I was still learning these things.

3. I realize now as I look back, I was going through a depression during my training.  The negative energy that was aimed in my direction during training only served to make me more insecure than I already was.  Other trainees began treating me with the same negativity as the two teachers who seemed to do everything in their power make me feel excluded and unwanted.  I experienced moments where I was completely inconsolable....crying in the middle of the Hanuman Chalisa because I hadn't memorized the words when I thought I should have by that point.  Even though I'd been teaching consistently and confidently for more than 2 years at that time, I couldn't  teach in front of these teachers without crying, because I feared their criticism of me.  I was paralyzed by my own insecurity at that time and the practice that I loved became one that I loathed and even considered giving up.

As I look back, I recall the moment I met my insecurity and confronted it.  It was this troll-like creature that would sit in the back of my head and tell me lies. I avoided my practice and my fellow trainees, believing the insecurity that had its death grip on me.

"Why would you go to class? It's not like they want you there."
"No one likes you. Just stay home.  It's safer here."
"You aren't good enough to teach.  Why waste your time with training?"
"You're so stupid.  No one wants to hear what you have to say."

This voice, was actually the unspoken words of my teachers that were energetically communicated to me.  Sadly, for a while, I believed them.

When I finally realized what was going on and that these were lies, I called it out and took back my power and went to class.  It was supposed to be a Follow The Yogi class with the one teacher who made me feel the smallest and I felt good enough to march into class, practice fiercely and not feel insecure.  As luck would have it that day, he wasn't teaching.  Probably for the best anyway.

Here it is now, two years later and much has changed....for the better. That negative energy is no longer present in my life with exception of people who were in that training with me, watched me battle my demons and have since kept their distance and only exchange the bare minimum of pleasantries with me.  When that happens, it stings.  It's a throwback of what I went through during that time and reminds me that people still exist in this world who are scared of those who show the world their truth vs. only sharing what people want to see.  Yes, I made people uncomfortable by crying openly and presenting myself as emotionally wounded, but I survived it and I learned from it.  Doesn't that make me worth knowing?  Or is it just better to keep a distance between your safe existence and my honest experience? I need to remember, it's not about me.....everyone is fighting their own battle whether they are aware of it or not.  If someone feels uncomfortable around me, that says more about them than it does about me.  I'm just being true to myself.

There are those who attended that same training who have remained true friends. They held me up during that trying time and reassured me when I needed it most.  I was the insecure Hanuman and they were the villagers who sang my praises to help me make the confident leap back to my truth and my joy.  Even though I don't speak to them on a regular basis, I love them for their support and their kindness when others just dismissed me as pathetic and hopeless.

Today, I am head yoga teacher for Kure Yoga and Wellness in Norwalk, CT.  I have big plans to bring  a new way of doing things onto the yoga mat.  My confidence is not so easily rocked these days and I look forward to having a team that will share in my vision.

All that has happened to this point has shaped me into the person I am today.  I have the experience, the wisdom and the knowledge to do things now that I never dreamed possible.  For that, I am truly grateful!

Namaste!

Kristen

The Rut

It's been a week since I last practiced asana(yoga poses).  Before that, it had been a week as well.  I can say that it's a busy time of year when the children go back to school and there just isn't time....or in the weeks prior, it was because camp had ended and my kids were home and I couldn't attend class or I was away with my family, but I'm a teacher....I shouldn't have to attend class to say I practiced.  I can go it alone at home....just me and my mat, which right now sounds quite appealing.  That is, if my two children weren't home from school for Rosh Hashana and dominating my bedroom, which is the only space I have in my house to roll out my mat.  Sure, I can ask them nicely to take their TV watching elsewhere in the house, but then there's the issue of my hamstring.  Do I really want to aggravate it like I did when I practiced a week ago?

I know, I know.  Excuses, excuses.  Fact is, I'm in a practice rut.  I get this way from time to time, where making the effort to step onto my mat or attend class seems like a monumental feat.  To find and then stay with my breath is elusive and frustrating.  To just allow myself to flow in and out of poses with ease instead of over-thinking, "are my shoulders aligned?", "am I engaging my core enough to protect my back?", "is this stretch too much for my hamstring?"  The things I ask my self during my practice all elude to one line of thinking....I'm broken.  That thinking has to change so I can get on my mat fearlessly.  Getting on my mat has become work.....a chore...and as my husband knows all too well, I hate chores.  I've become the person (temporarily) who buys a gym membership, but never goes.

So what do I do in lieu of practicing?  I write a blog about why I'm not practicing.  Comical.  This however, is a form of practice.  It builds awareness which is what yoga teaches us.  I can just pour it out right here.  Read it back a few times and face the truth....then do something about it.  Maybe.  The truth is, I'm lazy.  My yoga practice has to incorporate physical therapy to keep my body tuned up or I risk injury again.  The idea of having to include all those exercises into my practice could keep me on my mat for 2+ hours.  I'm still figuring it out and overwhelmed by the task.  I just need to learn how to focus on one thing at a time instead of everything all at once.

Lately I've turned to meditation as a way to deepen the connection with myself, my thoughts and my feelings.  As much as I love to meditate, I tend to, again, make excuses not to do it.  Errands, laundry, kids, etc. take precedence over what could help me shift from the inside out.  I was telling my students the other day that the one relationship that tends to be put on the back burner, is the relationship we have with ourselves.  Like anything that becomes a permanent fixture in our lives that we know is always there, we take it for granted and don't pay as much attention to it as we should to nurture and cultivate a healthy sense of self awareness and self love.  Instead of being the clunky piece of immovable furniture that we trip over once in a while, we can be that prized possession that takes center stage, gets polished and shown off.  We have been and always will be with ourselves until the day we die, so it's a good idea to learn to love yourself as much as possible and know yourself better than anyone else if you want to enjoy and grow in this life.

So how do I surface from this rut?  I just have to push through and get focused.  Just like any chore....like cleaning my house....once I get going, it's not so bad and I actually get on a roll and have a nice sense of accomplishment when it's all done.  So I guess you could say, my asana practice is house keeping for my body, mind and spirit....which right now has a few too many cobwebs, dust bunnies and creaky floor boards that need tending to.

Time to push through.

Namaste!

Kristen

Who am I to be fabulous?...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  ~Marianne Williamson

I love this quote.  It speaks to the insecurity that manifests itself within us all at some point in our lives and dares us to consider otherwise.

I have been participating in the Chopra Center 21-Day Meditation Challenge on Miraculous Relationships and today was Day 5 - Miraculous Esteem.  What struck me immediately as Deepak was centering was how easily I could see the connection to my own life.  As we began the meditation, I started to cry tears of painful recognition that so often I feel incredibly unworthy of the blessings I have in my own life.  

I second guess myself all the time.  Am I worthy of being a wife to this wonderful man?  Am I really deserving of being a mom and, furthermore, am I doing a good enough job?  Do my friends really like me for who I am or are they just putting up with me out of pity? 

All ridiculous questions of self-worth that I quickly dismiss when I have them knowing the years of self-discovery it's taken to get to where I am, leading to the knowledge of how fucking awesome I am!!   

Still, more often than not, I still get niggled by doubts around the fact that I am a yoga teacher; a role I take very seriously and am very passionate about.  I love my work.  Couldn't ask for a better job.  I get to hang out with like-minded individuals mostly committed to personal growth and exploration and I get excited when I think about how much more there is to discover about myself.

"It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

I get tripped up by my insecurities around teaching because my feelings of self-worth tell me I have no right to stand up in front of a group of people and claim to know anything about navigating the different terrains of life.  What do I know???  I stop myself short all the time, thinking I'm going to offend someone with my point of view.  And yet, I know from everything I've been through in my life, that I am well qualified to speak to a multitude of human conditions and have first hand knowledge of what's it's like to be in those situations.  

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

Only very recently, I've begun to find that space within me that has the courage to speak to what is on my mind with passion in my voice.  I almost don't recognize my voice as my own and yet it feels so liberating to be breaking free from the constraints that hold me back so often.  I've found the key is to really understand myself in relation to what I'm discussing with others.  I have to have that connection with myself in order to help others connect to it as well. When I find that conviction, the energy and passion comes through in my voice and I sense that I'm truly connecting with my students and they are connecting with me.

"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you."

As a society, I feel we have lost our voices and have become disempowered.  We shy away from speaking our mind because we don't want to hurt others, create conflict or make people feel uncomfortable.  We were taught at an early age, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  "In a public venue, steer clear of religion and politics."  Or somewhere along the way, we got the idea in our heads that saying "I love you." is only meant for couples.  I can't tell you how many people I say "I love you" to on a daily basis and it feels so good to express that when I genuinely feel it.  It's not just my husband and my kids, but my friends and fellow teachers. Most of the time it's reciprocated, other times it's not, but that doesn't matter, it's the fact that those words get out there so the other person knows they are loved.

If there is one thing I hope this blog post leaves you with is the courage to find your voice and learn to speak from a place of absolute truth within you and don't be afraid of your voice.   Sometimes it's the only thing we have that can make a difference.  When we speak our truth, we speak from a place of love and inner knowing and there is no space to question your self-worth at that point, because you just KNOW.

Namaste!

Kristen

Ego vs. Soul

"Been thinking a lot lately about the role the ego plays in one's life and how it manifests itself in the practice of yoga. When we aren't aware of ourselves and our actions, we proceed through life like a bull in a china shop; knocking over and breaking things; starting fires where we never meant to and then blaming the other person for what broke or burned. The Ego keeps us from being accountable for our words and our actions. Wake up and see the role you play in this tapestry of life. You are not separate from me and there is nothing you do that doesn't effect another person or thing in this universe. Be accountable!"

~ Kristen Luther


I've had the opportunity recently to really reflect on the Ego vs. Soul or True Self.  As an outsider looking in on my friends and students who are newer to yoga, I am reminded of my own journey and how I began.

My first yoga class was taken on a lunch break at New York Sports Club and being that I am naturally limber with something of a dancer's body, I was more concerned with how I was dressed for class than I was about form or function of my own body during class.  At 27 years old at the time, I was all about the outward appearance of things and had NO idea that less than 10 years later, yoga would become my life and my passion.....a true expression of who I am on the inside.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my first trip up to Kripalu to assist a friend with a weekend workshop resulted in my realization of how little I really knew about yoga.  I had the outward appearance down pat.  I had just begun teaching in a gym setting with my AFAA certification newly acquired.  I was reading Yoga Journal and buying all the gear that helped my feel more like a yogini.  I felt awesome and like I was getting somewhere....until I was surrounded by so many others who had been practicing yoga much longer than I had and seemed so comfortable with themselves that I felt like a total fraud; a fish out of water.  I was humbled.  I was so uncomfortable that I ended up leaving early and retreating back to my family.  Only thing is, you can't go back to having your head in the sand after a realization like that.....the kind that wakes you up and you suddenly see your place.

I realized just how uncomfortable I was in my own skin and it was due to the fact that everything that mattered to me was external.  All I cared about was accomplishing the next challenging pose and bragging that I had the strength to pull it off or pretending that I was spiritual when I had no idea yet what I was talking about or if I even believed it.   None of the internal, reflective process had taken place yet in my yoga practice and until that happened, my practice would never be anything more than what you see on the pages of a Yoga Journal magazine; a superficial act, all for show, and a life with no depth.

It wasn't until I went through my 200hr teacher training that I was broken wide open and so many realizations came to the fore.  I began to see the role I played in various places I'd been in my life, from work to family to friends and realized that I had a terrible habit of placing blame on everyone else instead of taking responsibility for my own actions.  I saw sides of myself I never wanted to acknowledge; hurtful words spoken without thought, judgements and assumptions made out of ignorance, things I look back on now and cringe, but have since made peace with, and have weeded through the aspects of my life and myself that no longer serve me.  What emerged from the fiery depths of my own inner-turmoil is a wild-at-heart, fun loving, compassionate human being who just wants to bring the experience of yoga to as many people as possible so they too can reach within themselves and discover that great being that walks within them.

The challenge is recognizing how much you don't yet know and being okay with that and maybe commit to learning.   The ego, however, doesn't like to concede ignorance or be called wrong, so half-baked theories and excuses may surface to placate the ego until actual facts are attained.  To say, "I need to look into that and get back to you."is a perfectly acceptable answer to a question you don't yet have the answer for.  To pretend to know something you don't only hurts everyone involved...like a bull in a china shop.  When we speak and live from a place of absolute truth, the ego falls away and we live a life of freedom and expansion instead of one fear and contraction.

"A fool will think he is wise, while a wise man will admit he is a fool." ~ William Shakespeare

So where are you in your practice?  Can you admit to not having all the answers?  It takes courage to stand up to the ego and allow yourself to be humbled by the truth of your own ignorance.  And yet, in realizing how much there is to learn, the doors of possibility swing wide open and new thirst for knowledge can be born.  How thirsty are you to discover the depths of your own soul?

Namaste!

Kristen

I Matter, Damnit!!!

During my 500 hour yoga teacher training class, I was asked to get up and teach part of class.  I was teaching to backbends.  But it's not that simple.  While teaching backbends, I needed to be adjusting students AND weave in the theme of the class.  That's where I get stuck, is in the integrating the theme as I teach and adjust.  My teacher saw I was stuggling and had me sit at the front of the room, close my eyes and teach.  I was crying right out of the gate, but why?  I've been teaching for a little more than 2 years and my students have nothing but praise for me.  As Tracy said, I'm a celebrated teacher and inspire my students, so I should have nothing to fear when it comes to teaching a room full of exquisite teachers.  But I do. 

For a while, there has been this under current of self depreciation.  I've been feeling a lot like my voice doesn't matter; that I don't matter, that I am less important than others and therefore unworthy.  Right around the time I injured my shoulder, another person made me feel like my injury was insignificant and left me to fend for myself.  This person didn't believe I was truly injured.  This wounded my spirit in a way I never expected.  I suddenly felt exiled from my kula and the voice I had discovered within myself through yoga disappeared and my walls went back up.  I felt like I didn't matter anymore and I closed myself off.

As I reflect back on this experience, I begin to realize that my difficulty with speaking to a group and opening up the conversation comes from feeling unworthy and feeling like anything I say really won't matter or worse, be criticized.  Intrinsically, I know that's completely untrue.  And in order to say something that will make a difference, I need to let my guard down so I can be myself and truly speak from my heart.  That's terrifying for me since I have been so guarded.  I know I can affect change in others by what I say and how I say it to get them to think.  However, there's a block.  And I think that comes from not knowing where my convictions lie; or rather having become so disconnected from them for far too long to the point that I'm not sure anymore.  What do I truly believe in with all my heart that I can speak to that would benefit someone else if I share it?  Or have I become so mindlessly numb that all I know how to do is operate on a superficial level?

It's going to take some work to get back to where I was spiritually in relation to myself, but it comes down to this:  We all matter!  Afterall, what is matter?  It's substance, mass, weight, tangible.  These are things we all are that no one can alter or take from us with mere words.  When we let that happen, we give away our power.  We are infinite beings with immense potential and nothing but promise lies before us.  If we let things from the past hold us back, we will never realize our potential.  We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.  Sometimes simply finding the courage to believe that and believe in ourselves is the hardest part.

Namaste!

Kristen

The Way I Choose to See It.

So many of us wander through life unaware of our potential and becoming victims of circumstance. We just let life happen to us instead of taking an active role. Or perhaps we live too much in our past, reliving old hurts and disappointments.

Whatever reason we have for NOT being joyful every second of our life is silly really. Of course, things happen that anger or disappoint us, but how we deal with that is truly up to us as individuals. We can either let our emotions take us for a freaky roller coaster ride, or we can take a moment to step back and reassess the situation from a new perspective. Maybe the moment is too intense, in which case, it's best to walk away and collect oneself and take a few breaths. Once calm has been restored, what can be learned from that moment? What wisdom can be extracted from the experience that helps to mold new perspectives going forward? What was just learned about oneself from that experience?

Many people choose to wallow in anger, disappointment, guilt, shame, etc. That's not empowering! One falls victim to their experiences and emotions when they wallow in those states of mind. If people could simply learn to step back and look at the bigger picture and learn to transform those dis-empowering feelings into something more useful, like wisdom, insight and understanding, there would be so much more happiness in their lives. A simple shift in perspective with regard to "bad" experiences helps to let things go so one can move past that experience and in doing so removes that heavy burden that gets carried around on one's proverbial shoulders.

The wisdom one gains as they come out of those experiences literally transforms them into new people. Yes, they look the same from the outside. However, inside a profound transformation has occurred that has forever changed them; so much so that they will never again be the person they were before they experienced that transformation and insight about themselves and their life.

This is a beautiful thing! I liken it to the way a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. This metaphor is certainly an overused one, but it's always fitting.

What areas of your life need to be re-looked at? What emotions do you carry around that hold you back from being the person you want to be? How can a change of perspective benefit the relationships your have in your life? What beliefs were you raised with that may now come into question about life, people, religion, money, etc.?

Contemplating these things will no doubt open up a can of worms. And using this metaphor is also fitting, since things get messy when one really takes the time to reassess everything about their life. It's always messy at first, but the empowerment brought about by clarity is well worth it.

Namaste!

Kristen

NYT Article - Genuine Concern or Smear Campaign

Okay, so my last post gave perspective on how yoga can wreck your body and what you need to do to ensure that you have a healthy practice.  Good....glad we are clear on that.

On another note, I've been seeing that NYT article from a different angle.  This may sound paranoid, but hear me out.  I hate politics, but this seems plausible.

In the past 10 years or so, the yoga community has exploded.  In the past 5 years, it's really taken off.  Think about the circumstances over the past 5 or so years.  Economic turmoil, job losses, housing market chaos and healthcare reform.  The list goes on and many people have been thrust into a state of reflection and reevaluation due to these trying times.  Perhaps they turn to yoga as a way to alleviate the stress of losing a house or a job.  Moments of loss provide us with an opportunity to reflect and reassess our life and our goals.  We start to question if we still buy into the same beliefs we have adopted over time about society, religion and politics.  The time we spend on our mat can give us clear perspective about what is truly important to us.  We start to see that we can make a difference instead of letting ourselves and our lives be controlled by outside influences.

An interesting statistic that my teacher threw out during teacher training is that the vast majority of people who practice yoga are Caucasian with a college degree or higher and tend to fall into the category of "middle to upper-middle class", which is where most families rank in the U.S.  That's where the politicians need to get their votes from. However, if all these middle class families are now practicing yoga, they are more aware of what's happening in the world.  They begin contemplating what they value and the quality of life they would like to have for themselves and their families, instead of following the rest of the herd and voting for the candidate with the best presence at the podium or the candidate who will make history.  A very informed decision will be made about who will run the country next.  This is bad news for certain political parties if their priorities don't align with the rest of the country that truly wants change and will make a stand to get it.  Look back at Occupy Wall Street and all the other movements that took place to show that change is needed and sought after.

So was the NYT article published as simply an informative piece expressing genuine concern for the welfare of others?  Or was it published as a political smack and smear campaign against yoga in an attempt to regain control over society in a presidential election year?  We may never know for sure, but an article such as that preys on the narrow minded and fearful and when a headline like "How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body." is the first thing people see, they assume they don't need to read the whole article......all they see is "yoga can wreck your body."......and that is enough to keep them out of a yoga class.

Those in the know, know that yoga is more positive than negative.  It is reshaping our society and our culture for the better and politicians fear that people will really start to question them and hold them to their promises instead of simply voting for the guy who says he'll change things, but never does.  Society wants tangible results now, but the politicians want the people to be the sheep that will simply follow along mindlessly and be taken advantage of.  Enough!  We are yogins, and we have minds of our own and voices that will be heard and will make a difference.

Be the change you want see in the world.

Namaste!

Kristen

Don't Try So Hard.

As I reflect upon my yoga practice over the past year, one piece of advice, given to me by one of my yoga teachers, has made all the difference in how I approach my life. Four simple words, "Don't try so hard."

This phrase, said to me while I was stretching forward with all my might in either Pigeon pose or Agnistambhasana, was initially grating and I took exception to her words. I felt as though she was criticizing me on a very personal level.

"What was she trying to say to me? Don't try so hard? Bah! Who is she to judge me?", I fumed through the rest of class and left feeling like some shameful secret had been exposed for everyone to see.

The fact was, everyone could see this about me, but I hadn't seen it until that moment. It was so painfully true. I often try so hard, especially when I get really excited about new developments in my life. Let's call it being overly eager. It could be friends, work, school, hobbies or any myriad of things. The fact of the matter is that you could take any aspect of my life, insert, 'don't try so hard.' and it will most likely pertain to that aspect.

It is the curse of the overly-eager perfectionist. I don't cut myself a lot of slack and I expect to see my desires to manifest quickly and when they don't, I will push and try to force them into existence. That approach is like a child throwing a temper tantrum in order to get their way, and we all know how that plays out. In this case, the Universe is the loving parent that won't put up with any shit. So when I try to force my desires to manifest, the Universe takes from me the very thing I want.When I look back on my life, there are several instances where my eagerness came back to bite me. In trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother, I wound up in a depression. When I tried so hard to be friends with another mom, she brushed me off before we could ever get our kids together. When I tried so hard to advance my yoga practice (whether I was ready or not), I got injured. When I tried so hard to market my jewelry, I was politely declined.The most recent thing to happen came when I tweaked my shoulder during a yoga class and I went to my teacher for help. Only problem is that I always go to this teacher for help when I have pain or discomfort associated with my yoga practice. I hold him in very high regard in terms of his knowledge of such things. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm still learning and eager to tap into my teacher's knowledge. This time, however, he insisted that I try to figure out the issue on my own using the knowledge and tools I gained from teacher training to try to correct my shoulder, but to come to him if my attempts were unsuccessful. During our conversation, he mentioned that when I "bombard" him with my issues at every turn, he tends to want to pull away and retract from me instead of help me. Ding, ding, ding......that would be the Universe calling and my teacher's words suddenly echo in my head again, "Don't try so hard."

It takes a concerted effort on my part to stay mindful of how eager I become in new and exciting situations. Oftentimes, I will misread a situation or miss subtle cues from others that in hindsight were perfectly clear, but by then it's simply too late. It's okay to be excited, of course, but I need to stay aware of whether or not I'm trying to force something to come into being. My jewelry may have been politely declined by those I was trying to sell to, but then I wore one of my bracelets to a yoga class and got four orders. I wasn't trying. I simply made something I loved, wore it, and many others loved it, too.
I'm finding more and more, that if there is something I hope to gain, I put it to the Universe nicely, "It would be really nice if__________.", and then I let it go. I won't give it another thought and if it happens, it happens; if not, it's simply not the right time. My trying to force things into being is simply my lack of faith that the Universe will provide for me what I truly need and desire. With faith, doors begin to swing wide open and opportunities present themselves effortlessly! Just because I can't see my desires manifesting, doesn't mean that they aren't and it requires not only faith, but also patience on my part to allow the Universe to work it's magic. Adrsta phala is the sanskrit word for unseen fruit and the same way I can't force a tomato or a flower to grow, I also can't force the natural evolution of my desires into fruition.

To your continued growth and well being.

Namaste!

Kristen

The Microscope

I have a hard time understanding why people leave a yoga class before its over. Last Monday night, I had a huge class; 66 people. Some were new to yoga and for some reason, I incorporated poses into my sequence that were obviously a bit too challenging for the new comers. So midway through class, about 4-5 people got up and left. It didn't make me feel very good, but it got me thinking.


I can't make anyone stay to finish my class, but I will do what I can to encourage them not to leave. Consider if you will; a job interview or performance review. Would you leave in the middle of it simply because you're uncomfortable with criticism? I would imagine not, but nonetheless, it still makes you feel uneasy when you feel like you are being put under a microscope. So why leave when a yoga class is a bit challenging? Is it because the inner critic is telling you that you can't hack it or that you're weak? Neither of which is true. If you are new to yoga, you need to give yourself a chance and not retreat at the first sign of a challenge. Instead, learn to modify. Go at your own pace and know that it's not a command performance. I'm not giving out prizes to those who had the most beautiful practice during class.




Learning yoga can be a lot like answering a question. When you don't know the answer to a question, do you answer it anyway pretending to know something you don't.....or do you tell the person you aren't sure and will get back to them? By saying, "I don't know." in a yoga pose is the equivalent of coming into Child's Pose or taking a moment to look around the room and figure out what the pose should look like.......and finding the answer for yourself.




Being new to something doesn't make you weak or stupid or any of the terrible things we say to ourselves, it just means you need to learn a new skill. Suspend your judgement for a while and stay open to possibility. There is so much you can learn about yourself if you just take the time to explore what is within you. But if you leave; throw in the towel and give up before you've even started, then you may never uncover the parts of yourself that are truly amazing and waiting just below the surface to show themselves to you.


The time we spend on our yoga mats is a simulation of our life and how we move through it. Leaving when things get uncomfortable or too challenging says one thing. Staying and learning how to move through the poses and modifying when necessary says another. What do you want your yoga practice to say about you?


With an abundance of love and gratitude!


Namaste!


Kristen

Fire Ceremony

This past Tuesday, January 4th and the night of the New Moon, a fire ceremony was held at the yoga studio where I practice. The evening was filled with music, meditation and spiritual cleansing in order to begin 2011 fresh and to ask the universe for its help in bringing to us that which we most desire.

In the process, we were also asked to throw into the fire anything that no longer serves us. I certainly threw a few things away that I no longer needed. My wish for the new year that I sent out to the universe is to be a constant source of inspiration to my students in an effort to help them along their path through yoga. I became a teacher in effort to transform lives and the way many view the world that we live in. I find I have days where the words simply aren't there to inspire my students. I asked that the Goddess Saraswati (Hindu Goddess of art, music and speech) speak through me so I could reach my students on a deeper level.

In the few days following, strange things have begun to happen. Normally, I am so consumed by my own agenda and what I want to get done during the day that other things get left to chance, like dinner, house work, the needs of my family. Lately out of nowhere, I find myself motivated to get things done......not for my sake, but for that of my family. I know it sounds horrible that I don't normally consider my family throughout the course of my day, but sadly house work, dinner, laundry etc. are afterthoughts that I'd rather not deal with; another chore on my long list of things to do. It's like a reconnection is taking place between me and my family despite the fact that I have a very busy schedule. It feels great and I'm seeing the yoga in what I'm doing.

After all, yoga is about connections and how we relate to each other. It's so easy to get caught up in our busy lives and put on hold those who need our attention the most. It's as though Saraswati heard my request and is helping me to gain proper perspective on the yoga of life and relationships so I can talk about it from first hand experience. She is helping me to see the interconnections of my life and how they all come together to influence each other.

The latest task I took on of my own volition that I normally wouldn't do is shoveling snow off the driveway when it snowed yesterday. I usually leave that for my husband to do, but I felt compelled to do it for him because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving it until he came home from a busy day at work. I wanted to simply take that task off his list and that's exactly what I did. He was so appreciative of it too.

A connection between spouses is a crucial one to foster and maintain. Sadly, my busy life has caused me to almost ignore this relationship and has created what feels like a canyon of distance between my husband and myself. My request to Saraswati for her guidance and inspiration has begun to narrow the divide and make me grateful for the love and support I have in my life on a daily basis no matter how busy my day gets. Now I just need to return the favor.

With an abundance of love and gratitude!

Thank you for reading.

Namaste!

Kristen

The Upside of Loss

In thinking about change, I consider those life changing events that happen where we lose something. Whether it's a job, a marriage, a house or the passing of a dear friend or family member, these events prompt us to question our lives and how we live them. It's those questions we ask of ourselves that open doors for change and growth.

When we become insightful in this way, it helps to sure up the foundations of who we are so we don't fall apart amidst the loss. The self discoveries we make during these hard times become the cement of our beings, reinforcing what is already in place, allowing us to build upon past experiences and helping us to be stronger going forward as we ascend as wiser and more divine beings.

All loss brings with it a fresh start and an opportunity to grow to be and do more with the life we've been given.

With an abundance of peace and love!

Namaste!

Kristen

Something to ALWAYS keep in mind...

"The things that challenge us show us what we are made of." - KL

I was chatting with a friend on Facebook and asked her how her life was going with work and school. Her response was only half positive, to which I replied with the above quote. And then I began to see how very relevant it is, even in mundane terms.

A juvenile example resides with my son who I just bought some new jeans for him to wear this fall. The jeans fit him very well and look good, however, the snap in front is tough for him to do by himself. Even for me, I could understand his frustration. The jeans really were difficult to snap and unsnap! At five years old, he's feeling like he's too little and not strong enough to be able to fasten these challenging jeans by himself. To this I said to him in my silly, but encouraging voice "You show those jeans who's boss. Show them what you are made of. Don't let them win. You are so much stronger than you think." And you know what, he hasn't had a problem since.

Everyday challenges from button snaps to dealing with whiny children or rude people, you have a choice......let the moment take you down and show you who's boss and win.....OR.....YOU show it who's boss and YOU show that challenging moment what YOU are made of. You are so much stronger than you think!

With an abundance of peace and love.....

Namaste!

Kristen

Learning To Weave

It's been three and a half months since I finished my Yoga Teacher Training and just about as long since my last post. Life has a funny way of sidetracking you away from certain things. I believe that's the way it's supposed to be. Everything happens at a certain time for a certain reason and its all part of a great universal design.

Since my last post, I have continued to teach and practice yoga and further expand my knowledge so I can be the best teacher to my students. Coming off the teacher training, I knew where I needed to improve my skills. I was told I needed to figure out how to be more comfortable weaving the focus and inspiration of the class into the instruction so the class had something to ponder in Downward Dog and hopefully connect what I was saying to something relevant in their life. I was so caught up in giving alignment instructions that often times the inspiration would fall by the wayside. I can't say that I have perfected this skill, but it's coming along.

I have also begun teaching another class at a different LA Fitness on Monday mornings. I was so nervous going in there on that first day. But I went in with the focus and inspiration being that of Change. How when confronted with change, our fight or flight mode tends to kick in since many people who have established a comfortable routine tend to resist moving out of that comfort zone. I spoke to seeing change as an opportunity for growth and surprises. To see even the most unfavorable circumstances as merely stepping stones to something better. That change can bring with it some discomfort, but to never lose sight of the fact that transformation is simply at hand and that change brings with it growing pains. Those growing pains ultimately result in producing a stronger and much wiser individual.

I have to teach at LA Fitness again this morning and will be using the analogy of cleaning out one's closet as a metaphor for also venturing into the dark, unexplored recesses of one's mind to do some spring or fall cleaning. We often dread the task of cleaning and organizing the closet. It's a task that seems to take forever and initially makes a huge mess that can seem overwhelming. We need to weed through each item and decide which ones to keep(happy memories) and which ones to either donate(learning experiences to be shared with others) or throw away(painful memories and experiences). We don't know why we hold onto the old, stained or ugly pieces in our closet and yet, they hang there.......taking up space. These pieces don't serve us and never have, so let them go and be free of them. We all know the benefit to cleaning out and organizing the closet. All of a sudden there is all this space and room for new things.....new possibilities. We have to make conscious decisions going forward about what is allowed to hang in our closet......what things we can afford to keep there and which ones have no business being there.

I'm hoping this concept will be well received by my class. If nothing else, it will certainly make them think about closet organization in a whole new way.

With an abundance of peace and love,

Namaste!

Kristen

A Contagious Energy

I cried on my yoga mat this morning. The passage the teacher read during Savasana struck a chord within me so powerful I couldn't resist the urge to just tear up. It spoke to my heart. One phrase in particular summed it up, "An idiot's joy." Wave after wave of gratitude just swept over me as the past three months flashed through my mind. My own transformation is so undeniably obvious and profound. I truly love who I am for the first time in my life and I feel completely unapologetic for parts of my personality, who I am and what I want out of this life that others may not agree with. It's who I truly am........take it or leave it.

But with this transformation comes an internal conflict which has me feeling anxious. I have spent the past three months surrounding myself with positive people who support each other. I have sought out opportunities to be consumed by their sense of community and radiant energy. They are all of like mind, open to possibilities, healthy and happy.....or so it seems. Regardless, they all carry with them an energy that gives off all these wonderful feelings of well being. I have immersed myself in that and in doing so have created my own energy which radiates out to others. It has drawn more people to me of like mind, body and spirit. I truly embrace that and welcome it. I'm so grateful to be surrounded by more people who share my energy and see yoga as an opportunity to grow as a person. I've grown so much within myself in such a short period of time, but there are those in my life who seem to have stopped growing or are just slow to catch up with me, and as such, our energies have a hard time matching up.

How do I reconcile this situation? Do I completely shut out those who carry a negative vibe? What if they are family; what then? How can I continue to grow and expand mentally and spiritually when I come face to face with guilt, cynicism and sarcasm from those who are closest to me, who know what I'm trying to do, see the benefits its had in my life, but still see it as a self-centered act with no consideration for my own family? I finally found myself on my yoga mat, I've finally found a peace within myself when I'm moving with my breath. It calms me when nothing else can. I feel like I'm being expected to return to the way things were as soon as I receive my YTT Certification. As if to say that the time I've had for myself, to discover myself has to end in order to get back to the business of being a wife and mother. What seems to fall by the wayside is that life is a journey, not a destination. Regardless of when my training ends, my journey and my growth continues and I will fight to have that acknowledged and respected.

I find myself seeking out those with energy like mine. My fellow trainees, my teachers, my students. Wanting to retreat to the comfort of their company when confronted with a negative energy. I've developed a longing for the vibrant energy I've allowed to consume me and take center stage in my mind and my heart, but at the same time, I'm confronted with guilt that I'm not doing enough to sustain the well being of those closest to me; those who demand the most of my time. I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds as I grapple with passion vs. obligation.

Through it all however, I'm still happier than I've ever been. Life comes with challenges. I can't have the AWESOME without the NOT SO AWESOME. In the end it becomes a balancing act in figuring out how to be joyful while still being surrounded by those who would prefer to kill my joy. It becomes a practice in patience, hoping others will eventually feel inspired and want to change their life and how they approach it. And if they don't, learning to accept it. It's a willingness to open my heart to feel love in every situation, making myself a beacon to others who are trying to find their way.

As the last weekend of teacher training approaches, my heart is sad. I will miss my fellow trainees, but I know that even though we may not see each other as often, if at all following graduation, we are all connected by that same radiant energy that flows through our hearts. That same energy that brought us all together has bound us forever.

With love, gratitude and devotion,

Namaste!

Kristen

Making Love To My Soul

I step from the shower and my husband says, "Why are you showering before yoga? You are just going to get all sweaty anyway."

At first, I showered out of consideration for my fellow yogis. There's nothing worse than practicing yoga in close quarters when your neighbor stinks like the bar from the night before.

As I've gone through my teacher training I've developed a new relationship with myself. I've gone from being entirely too hard on myself to being more accepting, loving and patient. My body has transformed from a borderline, not very strong 135lb. athletic build to a 127lb. yoga build that can do Chaturanga push-ups like nobody's business.....and enjoys it. So much has changed within me in a few short months. I'm a new person after all that's happened. I'm stronger, more focused, I'm more in touch with my breath and I'm all around more happy.

I've discovered that I am capable of so much more than I thought I was. I've opened up to the possibilities within myself and recognized the truth of who I really am. It's this recognition that changed my reason for showering before yoga.

In the beginning of teacher training, going to the 3 required weekly classes was a chore. My body felt beat up. I was frustrated with my practice because I had to start all over again and re-learn what I thought I knew. I spent the first month and a half loathing yoga. Some days I wouldn't bother showering before class. I came close to throwing in the towel and walking away. And then, one day, I woke up and felt good in my body.

It was at that point that I realized that all the pain I was feeling was just my body transforming and using muscles that I didn't know it had. I had finally emerged from my chrysalis and from then on, I learned to love myself more after all my body and mind had been through. I realized I had more inner strength, resilience and perseverance than I had previously believed. I had a new relationship with myself. I came in contact with my soul through it all.

Now every time I prepare for class, I shower, I shave, I brush my teeth and use mouthwash. And it's no longer just for my fellow yogi neighbors that are mere inches away. I see my time on my mat as a date with myself.....a date with my soul. And as I move through my practice, the heat builds, the pace quickens and the sweat pours off of me like never before.....and I love every moment of it! I'm making love to my soul when I come onto my mat.

Now I do my best to practice yoga as much as possible; some days I will practice twice in one day. I get giddy with excitement to practice alongside my fellow yogis. The room pulses with breath, energy and strength. I sometimes wonder if we are all practicing for the same reason. The energy in the room feels like we are.

Until next time......

May joy course through your veins as you experience a deeper sense of yourself through your practice.

Namaste!

Kristen

Yoga & Dragons

I just took my children to see "How To Train Your Dragon" yesterday. It was a great flick! I highly recommend seeing it.

I found myself making an interesting yoga connection during the movie; one that nearly brought me to tears with realization. The main character, Hiccup, was learing how to fly his dragon, but in order to do so he had to figure out how to manipulate the tail in order to fly straight. He had it all figured out and written down....as long as he followed his own instructions, he could fly the dragon okay. At one point, those instructions got blown away and Hiccup was forced to rely on his instincts to help his dragon fly. It was his instinct that made all the difference, not the crib sheets. He learned to trust himself and his abilities in order to soar with his dragon.

In yoga, we do much the same thing. When just beginning or even learning a new asana, it's like taking flying lessons for the first time. We may read about the poses and feel like we know exactly what to do until we actually do it. At first everything seems like such a huge effort. There are so many new sensations in the body; many of which take time to get used to. And once we figure out the basics, then we move on to fine tuning and refining the practice, so we can fly smoothly and effortlessly. We make our adjustments in our poses. We become familiar with certain sensations; so much so that we trust what we feel in our bodies to be the correct sensation in order to achieve our desired results. There is a liberation there when we know we can rely on our instincts to take us where we want to go in our bodies and in our practice.

As I work to refine my own practice, I reflect on this analogy so I too can learn to soar with my own dragon.

Thanks for reading!

Until Next Time........

May joy course through your veins as you experience a deeper sense of self through practice.

Namaste!

Kristen