Trust

I've been thinking a lot about trust.  I often find myself reminding my daughter about the importance of trust when she opts to give her father and I half-truths regarding her school work in order to avoid scrutiny over her grades or the effort that she could be making, but chooses not to.  Her half-truths and complete omissions of certain facts that we later discover, have proven making trusting her word difficult.  I don't like admitting that I have a hard time trusting my daughter when it comes her school work, but I do.  Thankfully, she hasn't had any reason to lie about other things in her life....and hopefully she never will.

As a teen, I lost my parent's trust continuously as I navigated my boy-crazy years.  What I've learned as I reflect back on those years, the only reason I wasn't honest about where I was going or who I was seeing was because I knew I would be faced with criticism and anything I wanted to do would be met with a resounding, "No."  So I would lie......and always got caught!

In the end, the lying never got me anywhere....I only dug myself a deeper hole that became harder and harder to get out of every time I got caught lying.  These are lessons that I'm passing down to my daughter in hopes that she will learn from my mistakes and not repeat them as she moves into her teen-hood.

As an adult, I've become very good at spotting a lie.  I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but after a while, the effects of repeated lies, wears on me.  I become really peeved when I discover that I've been lied to....even if it's a seemingly harmless lie.  When you know you have been lied to, insecurity runs rampant!  You wonder, "Why am I being lied to? What don't they want me to know? Don't they respect me enough to give me the truth? What did I do that they can't be honest with me?"

Relationships, romantic or friendly can only be maintained if there is a foundation of trust.  Trust is built with complete honesty and transparency.  When there is a lack of honesty, friendships crumble due to resentment because there is an inherent lack of respect for the other person's feelings.  The worst is when I know a person is deliberately lying to me and thinks I don't know.  It's an insult to my intelligence.  Often times, it's their actions that give them away.  Most people have unconscious behavior patterns that they aren't aware of, but I pick up on.  I catch the lie when the expected pattern is broken, but they have no idea that I've picked up on it or that they've broken their own pattern.  Scary, I know, that I would be that tuned in to people, but it's something I've gotten good at and helps me to know who I can trust and who I can't.  And I hate feeling like I can't trust people that I actually care about.....people that I regard as good friends.  Makes me wonder if they are worth keeping.

The question then becomes, why do I keep these liars in my life?  Why not just cast them off as the disrespectful and insensitive people that they can be when they decide to lie to me?  Because I'm a sucker for second chances (and third...and fourth) and we all have moments where we question the wisdom of telling the complete truth in an effort spare another person's feelings.  Here's the thing.....it's best to just tell the truth right away!!!  Regardless of whether you think you are doing the other person a favor by lying to them in that moment.....it will be FAR MORE detrimental to the relationship down the road when it's discovered that you lied to spare their feelings and thought it nobel at the time to do so.  No one likes to be lied to.  Telling the truth, no matter how scary, is courageous.  Lying is cowardly.

And remember, when you lie, you have to remember the lie....and you have to keep carrying that around with you.  When you tell the truth, there's no fabrication to remember.  You are liberated from the burden of carrying around stories and half-truths.  You have to ask yourself, "Is this lie worth hurting this relationship?"  If the answer is,"no", then tell the truth.  If you don't value the relationship, then your lies will effectively end it and you will be liberated from the responsibility of maintaining trust and transparency.  

Reflection on my 500hr. YTT

Over the past week or so, I have had brief interactions with people from past experiences, some of which were challenging, but most were joyful.  It's of course the challenging experiences that I recall with the most sting.  For whatever reason, these etch themselves deeper than the happy moments, making them harder to forget.

The one I need to write about that I've recently had clarity on was the experience of going through my  500hr yoga teacher training.  That was a very difficult experience for me for a number of reasons.

1. I felt a lot of negative energy coming from the husband/wife teacher duo in part because I asked a lot of questions and needed more reassurance than they wanted to give during the 200hr training. For that, I was invisibly branded as a "problem".

2.  I was still dealing with a shoulder injury that one of those teachers refused to help me with, leaving me no choice but to seek help from a physical therapist, who thankfully has become a dear friend and mentor to me, showing me that my "teacher" was actually doing more harm than good for his students.  In hindsight, it wasn't my teacher's job to fix me, but I was still learning these things.

3. I realize now as I look back, I was going through a depression during my training.  The negative energy that was aimed in my direction during training only served to make me more insecure than I already was.  Other trainees began treating me with the same negativity as the two teachers who seemed to do everything in their power make me feel excluded and unwanted.  I experienced moments where I was completely inconsolable....crying in the middle of the Hanuman Chalisa because I hadn't memorized the words when I thought I should have by that point.  Even though I'd been teaching consistently and confidently for more than 2 years at that time, I couldn't  teach in front of these teachers without crying, because I feared their criticism of me.  I was paralyzed by my own insecurity at that time and the practice that I loved became one that I loathed and even considered giving up.

As I look back, I recall the moment I met my insecurity and confronted it.  It was this troll-like creature that would sit in the back of my head and tell me lies. I avoided my practice and my fellow trainees, believing the insecurity that had its death grip on me.

"Why would you go to class? It's not like they want you there."
"No one likes you. Just stay home.  It's safer here."
"You aren't good enough to teach.  Why waste your time with training?"
"You're so stupid.  No one wants to hear what you have to say."

This voice, was actually the unspoken words of my teachers that were energetically communicated to me.  Sadly, for a while, I believed them.

When I finally realized what was going on and that these were lies, I called it out and took back my power and went to class.  It was supposed to be a Follow The Yogi class with the one teacher who made me feel the smallest and I felt good enough to march into class, practice fiercely and not feel insecure.  As luck would have it that day, he wasn't teaching.  Probably for the best anyway.

Here it is now, two years later and much has changed....for the better. That negative energy is no longer present in my life with exception of people who were in that training with me, watched me battle my demons and have since kept their distance and only exchange the bare minimum of pleasantries with me.  When that happens, it stings.  It's a throwback of what I went through during that time and reminds me that people still exist in this world who are scared of those who show the world their truth vs. only sharing what people want to see.  Yes, I made people uncomfortable by crying openly and presenting myself as emotionally wounded, but I survived it and I learned from it.  Doesn't that make me worth knowing?  Or is it just better to keep a distance between your safe existence and my honest experience? I need to remember, it's not about me.....everyone is fighting their own battle whether they are aware of it or not.  If someone feels uncomfortable around me, that says more about them than it does about me.  I'm just being true to myself.

There are those who attended that same training who have remained true friends. They held me up during that trying time and reassured me when I needed it most.  I was the insecure Hanuman and they were the villagers who sang my praises to help me make the confident leap back to my truth and my joy.  Even though I don't speak to them on a regular basis, I love them for their support and their kindness when others just dismissed me as pathetic and hopeless.

Today, I am head yoga teacher for Kure Yoga and Wellness in Norwalk, CT.  I have big plans to bring  a new way of doing things onto the yoga mat.  My confidence is not so easily rocked these days and I look forward to having a team that will share in my vision.

All that has happened to this point has shaped me into the person I am today.  I have the experience, the wisdom and the knowledge to do things now that I never dreamed possible.  For that, I am truly grateful!

Namaste!

Kristen

My Body, My Friend.

As I emerged from the shower this morning, I do what I do every time I step out and see my naked body standing before me.  I assess, critique, ponder and sometimes cringe.  Today however, I saw my body a little differently.  First, let me fill you in on the thoughts that normally go through my head when I scrutinize my physique and all the perceived imperfections I hold about my body as I look into the giant mirror in my bathroom.

Would I love to lose about 10 pounds?  Yep!

Do I wish my thighs wouldn't rub together when I walk?  Yes!

Do I wish I had less cellulite on my thighs?  Absolutely!

Do I wish my butt was little smaller?  It'd be nice.

Do I long to have a smooth, flat abdominal area again, like I did before I had kids?  Yes.

Today, however....I looked upon my body with pride.  I saw it as the vehicle that has carried me through more joyous moments and war zones than I can count.  And it still does.  It has housed my my emotions, expressed and repressed, and has told me through spells of chronic pain how much it hates when I repress my emotions.  So I removed my filter and speak from my heart and from a place of truth as much as possible so my body doesn't carry the weight and painful burden of secrets and lies.  When I express my joy, get silly, have giggle fits and experience the effervescent, infectious bliss that is my truest nature, my body is happy because it just got really high off endorphins!

I know that my body carries a wisdom that the young, nubile bodies that walk into my yoga classes don't yet possess.  My body has experienced moments of insane strength and flexibility that, on occasion, has surprised even me.  Astavakrasana being my favorite display of that strength and focus that came to me when I least expected it.  My body has known injury and devastating pain that served to teach me the importance of good alignment and excellent core strength.  Learning to breathe in such a way to calm and heal my body in moments of stress is something my body has benefitted from greatly that most people regard as overrated.  My body has experienced pregnancy and child birth which is joyous and traumatic at the same time.  No amount of core strength will keep the loose skin around my belly from sagging down as I lower into a Chaturanga Danadasana during class.  I could hide it, but sometimes I don't want to.  This is my body and it has served me well.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.

I find myself in class sometimes crying tears of gratitude for my body as I fold into a Janu Sirsasana or Paschimottansana....welling over with pride at how far we have come together.  Bowing in love and reverence for the trials and joys we have been through together.  Those moments are most precious to me and give perspective to what's truly important.  Good health and happiness are the most important....not the image of perfection the media wants us to buy into.  Women are meant to have curves and more fatty tissue than men.  We are supposed to be soft and supple.  Embrace it all.  The curves, the folds, the stretch marks, the cellulite.  Women's bodies were designed to create and carry new life, give birth and then feed and nurture that new life.  Our softness ends up being the sanctuary for our babies.  What's not to love about that?

Tight Psoas???

There have been so many articles written by William Broad in the past couple of years that have slandered yoga as a practice that will either cripple you or kill you.  As a teacher, I think that it's important to take an approach that has therapeutic benefits and minimize the scare tactics.  I have a student and friend, Dave, who I also regard as a mentor as it pertains to anatomy and physiology.  He is a physical therapist who actually practices yoga and has adapted his PT practice to incorporate yoga techniques to facilitate healing in his clients.  I have been working with him for over two years with not only my own injuries, but those of some of my students which range from simple aches from misalignment to acute pain brought on by hyper-mobility.  None of the injuries are a result of my class, but rather they walk into my class hoping for a cure.  When they describe the issues they are having, I give them Dave's number if it's something I feel he should look at first before they continue with their yoga practice.  Most students are able to continue coming to class while Dave treats them which gives me a chance to see how he wants them to modify certain poses.  This only furthers my teaching abilities to make my classes safer and more therapeutic for my students.

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who I haven't spoken to in a while.  She is a fellow teacher who went through training with me for both 200hr & 500hr YTT.  As we were catching up, she was discussing the idea of opening a yoga studio, but was not sure how successful she could be with it since there is so much saturation in the market.  I began to tell her about the direction I've been going in with my teaching and personal philosophy around yoga and how it's become more therapeutic and using aspects of physical therapy to heal, transform and strengthen the body so it's less prone to injury in yoga.  This inspired her to consider therapeutic yoga since she knows of several studios that don't give enough alignment queues, which could result in injuries.....hence the need for her studio.

As I continued my conversation with my friend yesterday, we were discussing certain stretches that I have learned to release muscles that often get tight over the course of a normal day.  Our conversation inspired me to share what I have learned on my own path of healing and learning to navigate my own trouble spots in my body.  The muscle that tends to tighten up the most seems to be the ilio-psoas muscle, which traverses the body from the back at the lumbar spine, around to the front of the body and attaches at the inner thigh.  When we sit a lot, the area at the hip crease tends to shorten, causing pain upon standing.  If we have a posterior pelvic tilt when standing, which thrusts the hips forward, the pain tends to go to the psoas at the low back because it's being  impinged.  In my experience, I have felt both.  In working with Dave, he came up with a stretch that helps release the psoas to make life more comfortable.  The first stretch is a gentler version of the second.  The second pose is not recommended if you have a serious ankle, knee or back injury.

First, use a heating pad to warm and soften the tight muscle area.  Here, I am heating the front of my psoas.  Do this for at least 5 minutes before stretching.

Once the muscle is warmed up, lay down on the edge of a bed or table and have one leg hanging off. Hold your foot in your hand....DO NOT PULL or offer resistance to the leg; let gravity do the work.  Tone the navel toward the spine even though you have the support of a bed beneath you.  Hold this position for one minute.  Breathe.

If you have been experiencing chronic tightness of the psoas, it is recommended to do this stretch 3x a day.


The other variation is much deeper and only for experienced yogis who do not have injuries to the ankle, knee or back.  In my experience, this stretch releases the WHOLE psoas.

Again, begin with the heating pad for at least 5 minutes and then open the psoas with the first stretch above.  Once you have done that, bring yourself into Ardha Supta Virasana.

If you are really tight...even for an experienced yogi, keeping one foot on the floor may be enough.  Hug the (right)ankle in toward the body and anchor the knee toward the floor.  Imagine you are stretching your knee down and away from you.  Breathe.

Tone the navel toward the spine so there is less of an arch to the low back, bringing the lowest ribs closer to the floor.  If you need more stretch, hold the back of the (left) leg and bring it towards the body.  Keep anchoring the right knee towards the floor and hugging the ankle in.  Hold for at least 30 seconds.  Breathe.

I have many other stretches I plan to share with you and maybe even have Dave weigh in on a few.

To your continued health and vitality!!

Namaste!
Kristen

The Rut

It's been a week since I last practiced asana(yoga poses).  Before that, it had been a week as well.  I can say that it's a busy time of year when the children go back to school and there just isn't time....or in the weeks prior, it was because camp had ended and my kids were home and I couldn't attend class or I was away with my family, but I'm a teacher....I shouldn't have to attend class to say I practiced.  I can go it alone at home....just me and my mat, which right now sounds quite appealing.  That is, if my two children weren't home from school for Rosh Hashana and dominating my bedroom, which is the only space I have in my house to roll out my mat.  Sure, I can ask them nicely to take their TV watching elsewhere in the house, but then there's the issue of my hamstring.  Do I really want to aggravate it like I did when I practiced a week ago?

I know, I know.  Excuses, excuses.  Fact is, I'm in a practice rut.  I get this way from time to time, where making the effort to step onto my mat or attend class seems like a monumental feat.  To find and then stay with my breath is elusive and frustrating.  To just allow myself to flow in and out of poses with ease instead of over-thinking, "are my shoulders aligned?", "am I engaging my core enough to protect my back?", "is this stretch too much for my hamstring?"  The things I ask my self during my practice all elude to one line of thinking....I'm broken.  That thinking has to change so I can get on my mat fearlessly.  Getting on my mat has become work.....a chore...and as my husband knows all too well, I hate chores.  I've become the person (temporarily) who buys a gym membership, but never goes.

So what do I do in lieu of practicing?  I write a blog about why I'm not practicing.  Comical.  This however, is a form of practice.  It builds awareness which is what yoga teaches us.  I can just pour it out right here.  Read it back a few times and face the truth....then do something about it.  Maybe.  The truth is, I'm lazy.  My yoga practice has to incorporate physical therapy to keep my body tuned up or I risk injury again.  The idea of having to include all those exercises into my practice could keep me on my mat for 2+ hours.  I'm still figuring it out and overwhelmed by the task.  I just need to learn how to focus on one thing at a time instead of everything all at once.

Lately I've turned to meditation as a way to deepen the connection with myself, my thoughts and my feelings.  As much as I love to meditate, I tend to, again, make excuses not to do it.  Errands, laundry, kids, etc. take precedence over what could help me shift from the inside out.  I was telling my students the other day that the one relationship that tends to be put on the back burner, is the relationship we have with ourselves.  Like anything that becomes a permanent fixture in our lives that we know is always there, we take it for granted and don't pay as much attention to it as we should to nurture and cultivate a healthy sense of self awareness and self love.  Instead of being the clunky piece of immovable furniture that we trip over once in a while, we can be that prized possession that takes center stage, gets polished and shown off.  We have been and always will be with ourselves until the day we die, so it's a good idea to learn to love yourself as much as possible and know yourself better than anyone else if you want to enjoy and grow in this life.

So how do I surface from this rut?  I just have to push through and get focused.  Just like any chore....like cleaning my house....once I get going, it's not so bad and I actually get on a roll and have a nice sense of accomplishment when it's all done.  So I guess you could say, my asana practice is house keeping for my body, mind and spirit....which right now has a few too many cobwebs, dust bunnies and creaky floor boards that need tending to.

Time to push through.

Namaste!

Kristen

Who am I to be fabulous?...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  ~Marianne Williamson

I love this quote.  It speaks to the insecurity that manifests itself within us all at some point in our lives and dares us to consider otherwise.

I have been participating in the Chopra Center 21-Day Meditation Challenge on Miraculous Relationships and today was Day 5 - Miraculous Esteem.  What struck me immediately as Deepak was centering was how easily I could see the connection to my own life.  As we began the meditation, I started to cry tears of painful recognition that so often I feel incredibly unworthy of the blessings I have in my own life.  

I second guess myself all the time.  Am I worthy of being a wife to this wonderful man?  Am I really deserving of being a mom and, furthermore, am I doing a good enough job?  Do my friends really like me for who I am or are they just putting up with me out of pity? 

All ridiculous questions of self-worth that I quickly dismiss when I have them knowing the years of self-discovery it's taken to get to where I am, leading to the knowledge of how fucking awesome I am!!   

Still, more often than not, I still get niggled by doubts around the fact that I am a yoga teacher; a role I take very seriously and am very passionate about.  I love my work.  Couldn't ask for a better job.  I get to hang out with like-minded individuals mostly committed to personal growth and exploration and I get excited when I think about how much more there is to discover about myself.

"It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

I get tripped up by my insecurities around teaching because my feelings of self-worth tell me I have no right to stand up in front of a group of people and claim to know anything about navigating the different terrains of life.  What do I know???  I stop myself short all the time, thinking I'm going to offend someone with my point of view.  And yet, I know from everything I've been through in my life, that I am well qualified to speak to a multitude of human conditions and have first hand knowledge of what's it's like to be in those situations.  

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

Only very recently, I've begun to find that space within me that has the courage to speak to what is on my mind with passion in my voice.  I almost don't recognize my voice as my own and yet it feels so liberating to be breaking free from the constraints that hold me back so often.  I've found the key is to really understand myself in relation to what I'm discussing with others.  I have to have that connection with myself in order to help others connect to it as well. When I find that conviction, the energy and passion comes through in my voice and I sense that I'm truly connecting with my students and they are connecting with me.

"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you."

As a society, I feel we have lost our voices and have become disempowered.  We shy away from speaking our mind because we don't want to hurt others, create conflict or make people feel uncomfortable.  We were taught at an early age, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  "In a public venue, steer clear of religion and politics."  Or somewhere along the way, we got the idea in our heads that saying "I love you." is only meant for couples.  I can't tell you how many people I say "I love you" to on a daily basis and it feels so good to express that when I genuinely feel it.  It's not just my husband and my kids, but my friends and fellow teachers. Most of the time it's reciprocated, other times it's not, but that doesn't matter, it's the fact that those words get out there so the other person knows they are loved.

If there is one thing I hope this blog post leaves you with is the courage to find your voice and learn to speak from a place of absolute truth within you and don't be afraid of your voice.   Sometimes it's the only thing we have that can make a difference.  When we speak our truth, we speak from a place of love and inner knowing and there is no space to question your self-worth at that point, because you just KNOW.

Namaste!

Kristen

Ego vs. Soul

"Been thinking a lot lately about the role the ego plays in one's life and how it manifests itself in the practice of yoga. When we aren't aware of ourselves and our actions, we proceed through life like a bull in a china shop; knocking over and breaking things; starting fires where we never meant to and then blaming the other person for what broke or burned. The Ego keeps us from being accountable for our words and our actions. Wake up and see the role you play in this tapestry of life. You are not separate from me and there is nothing you do that doesn't effect another person or thing in this universe. Be accountable!"

~ Kristen Luther


I've had the opportunity recently to really reflect on the Ego vs. Soul or True Self.  As an outsider looking in on my friends and students who are newer to yoga, I am reminded of my own journey and how I began.

My first yoga class was taken on a lunch break at New York Sports Club and being that I am naturally limber with something of a dancer's body, I was more concerned with how I was dressed for class than I was about form or function of my own body during class.  At 27 years old at the time, I was all about the outward appearance of things and had NO idea that less than 10 years later, yoga would become my life and my passion.....a true expression of who I am on the inside.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my first trip up to Kripalu to assist a friend with a weekend workshop resulted in my realization of how little I really knew about yoga.  I had the outward appearance down pat.  I had just begun teaching in a gym setting with my AFAA certification newly acquired.  I was reading Yoga Journal and buying all the gear that helped my feel more like a yogini.  I felt awesome and like I was getting somewhere....until I was surrounded by so many others who had been practicing yoga much longer than I had and seemed so comfortable with themselves that I felt like a total fraud; a fish out of water.  I was humbled.  I was so uncomfortable that I ended up leaving early and retreating back to my family.  Only thing is, you can't go back to having your head in the sand after a realization like that.....the kind that wakes you up and you suddenly see your place.

I realized just how uncomfortable I was in my own skin and it was due to the fact that everything that mattered to me was external.  All I cared about was accomplishing the next challenging pose and bragging that I had the strength to pull it off or pretending that I was spiritual when I had no idea yet what I was talking about or if I even believed it.   None of the internal, reflective process had taken place yet in my yoga practice and until that happened, my practice would never be anything more than what you see on the pages of a Yoga Journal magazine; a superficial act, all for show, and a life with no depth.

It wasn't until I went through my 200hr teacher training that I was broken wide open and so many realizations came to the fore.  I began to see the role I played in various places I'd been in my life, from work to family to friends and realized that I had a terrible habit of placing blame on everyone else instead of taking responsibility for my own actions.  I saw sides of myself I never wanted to acknowledge; hurtful words spoken without thought, judgements and assumptions made out of ignorance, things I look back on now and cringe, but have since made peace with, and have weeded through the aspects of my life and myself that no longer serve me.  What emerged from the fiery depths of my own inner-turmoil is a wild-at-heart, fun loving, compassionate human being who just wants to bring the experience of yoga to as many people as possible so they too can reach within themselves and discover that great being that walks within them.

The challenge is recognizing how much you don't yet know and being okay with that and maybe commit to learning.   The ego, however, doesn't like to concede ignorance or be called wrong, so half-baked theories and excuses may surface to placate the ego until actual facts are attained.  To say, "I need to look into that and get back to you."is a perfectly acceptable answer to a question you don't yet have the answer for.  To pretend to know something you don't only hurts everyone involved...like a bull in a china shop.  When we speak and live from a place of absolute truth, the ego falls away and we live a life of freedom and expansion instead of one fear and contraction.

"A fool will think he is wise, while a wise man will admit he is a fool." ~ William Shakespeare

So where are you in your practice?  Can you admit to not having all the answers?  It takes courage to stand up to the ego and allow yourself to be humbled by the truth of your own ignorance.  And yet, in realizing how much there is to learn, the doors of possibility swing wide open and new thirst for knowledge can be born.  How thirsty are you to discover the depths of your own soul?

Namaste!

Kristen