I've taken my asana practice from a vigorous vinyasa and sloppy alignment back to a basic level with more mindful movement. My ego still taunts me as I put myself in the hands of my teachers, admitting I need help with what I thought was a beautiful and mindful practice. Surrendering now to teachers who have watched my progress over the past year, possibly cringing, and now showing me where I've gone wrong as I work to correct my practice.
Was I that cocky to think that my asana practice was so strong that it didn't need correcting? Have I really become so wrapped up in asana that I've forgotten the core values of yoga? That all that matters is how bendy I can get or how strong I can be to hold an arm balance? I'm no better than the typical gym rat who simply obsesses about MORE. I rarely take the time to read about the core tenets of yoga and how to best incorporate them into my life.
I want to be a good example to my students and my injury to my back has given me pause. I am so far away from where I was during teacher training. When I decided I wanted to be a yoga teacher, I did so because I wanted to help others work out their own lives through the practice of yoga. Only problem is that I haven't been practicing yoga.......I've only been practicing asana.
In the day-to-day hustle of getting kids off to school and me off to class either to practice or teach and then run errands if I have time, I have forgotten to look around or even notice my own thoughts and actions. It's just go, go, go and don't dare stop until everyone is happy.
I've been so busy that I barely noticed that I've disconnected from myself. My soul. The part of me that I came to know and love so fiercely over the course of teacher training and have now lost sight of. That was my yoga. That changed how I moved through the course of my day and treated people I came in contact with. I felt connected to myself and the world around me in the best way. Now I simply move through the motions, not thinking mindfully enough about the impact my words or actions may have and possibly hurting myself or others by being careless. It's kind of like accidentally swerving into oncoming traffic. You need to pay attention to the road.
And so it's a metaphor for my practice. I move on my mat the way I move through life.....thinking I'm doing everything right, but not really paying attention until the proof is in my face that what I was doing was wrong. Admitting to being wrong is where my ego steps in. As a perfectionist, being wrong is just a tough pill to swallow. So I reluctantly surrender, cry a bit and then ask for help and cry some more as I ask for that help. My ego making me feel ashamed as if to say, "Nice job. Fine mess you have made of yourself.", glaring down at me in disappointment. And then it laughs at me while I cry.
I know it's all in my head.....and it's twisted and cruel what my own thoughts will do to me. But this is what I get for disconnecting from my soul by not being more mindful. As I learn to reconnect and get back to that place of peace I found within myself, the cruel voice of my ego will soften and be more nurturing as it was during teacher training. I need to learn to be friends with myself again instead of being the overly demanding boss that expects nothing less than perfect.
With an abundance of love and gratitude.
Namaste!
Kristen
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Microscope
I have a hard time understanding why people leave a yoga class before its over. Last Monday night, I had a huge class; 66 people. Some were new to yoga and for some reason, I incorporated poses into my sequence that were obviously a bit too challenging for the new comers. So midway through class, about 4-5 people got up and left. It didn't make me feel very good, but it got me thinking.
I can't make anyone stay to finish my class, but I will do what I can to encourage them not to leave. Consider if you will; a job interview or performance review. Would you leave in the middle of it simply because you're uncomfortable with criticism? I would imagine not, but nonetheless, it still makes you feel uneasy when you feel like you are being put under a microscope. So why leave when a yoga class is a bit challenging? Is it because the inner critic is telling you that you can't hack it or that you're weak? Neither of which is true. If you are new to yoga, you need to give yourself a chance and not retreat at the first sign of a challenge. Instead, learn to modify. Go at your own pace and know that it's not a command performance. I'm not giving out prizes to those who had the most beautiful practice during class.
Learning yoga can be a lot like answering a question. When you don't know the answer to a question, do you answer it anyway pretending to know something you don't.....or do you tell the person you aren't sure and will get back to them? By saying, "I don't know." in a yoga pose is the equivalent of coming into Child's Pose or taking a moment to look around the room and figure out what the pose should look like.......and finding the answer for yourself.
Being new to something doesn't make you weak or stupid or any of the terrible things we say to ourselves, it just means you need to learn a new skill. Suspend your judgement for a while and stay open to possibility. There is so much you can learn about yourself if you just take the time to explore what is within you. But if you leave; throw in the towel and give up before you've even started, then you may never uncover the parts of yourself that are truly amazing and waiting just below the surface to show themselves to you.
The time we spend on our yoga mats is a simulation of our life and how we move through it. Leaving when things get uncomfortable or too challenging says one thing. Staying and learning how to move through the poses and modifying when necessary says another. What do you want your yoga practice to say about you?
With an abundance of love and gratitude!
Namaste!
Kristen
I can't make anyone stay to finish my class, but I will do what I can to encourage them not to leave. Consider if you will; a job interview or performance review. Would you leave in the middle of it simply because you're uncomfortable with criticism? I would imagine not, but nonetheless, it still makes you feel uneasy when you feel like you are being put under a microscope. So why leave when a yoga class is a bit challenging? Is it because the inner critic is telling you that you can't hack it or that you're weak? Neither of which is true. If you are new to yoga, you need to give yourself a chance and not retreat at the first sign of a challenge. Instead, learn to modify. Go at your own pace and know that it's not a command performance. I'm not giving out prizes to those who had the most beautiful practice during class.
Learning yoga can be a lot like answering a question. When you don't know the answer to a question, do you answer it anyway pretending to know something you don't.....or do you tell the person you aren't sure and will get back to them? By saying, "I don't know." in a yoga pose is the equivalent of coming into Child's Pose or taking a moment to look around the room and figure out what the pose should look like.......and finding the answer for yourself.
Being new to something doesn't make you weak or stupid or any of the terrible things we say to ourselves, it just means you need to learn a new skill. Suspend your judgement for a while and stay open to possibility. There is so much you can learn about yourself if you just take the time to explore what is within you. But if you leave; throw in the towel and give up before you've even started, then you may never uncover the parts of yourself that are truly amazing and waiting just below the surface to show themselves to you.
The time we spend on our yoga mats is a simulation of our life and how we move through it. Leaving when things get uncomfortable or too challenging says one thing. Staying and learning how to move through the poses and modifying when necessary says another. What do you want your yoga practice to say about you?
With an abundance of love and gratitude!
Namaste!
Kristen
When all else fails....
Despite the discomfort in my back, I practiced yoga yesterday morning at the beloved Saraswati's Yoga Joint. I've been feeling so disconnected from my kula and I was dying to get back on my mat and just move my body. I made a promise with myself before class began that I would modify heavily to accommodate my back. Normally I would've intercepted Donna before class just to give her a heads up, but class got going a few minutes late, so I opted to just keep my promise to myself and not worry about it.
I moved well through most of class, albeit much slower than I normally do. I needed to be mindful of every movement and every muscle engagement to ensure I was practicing as safely as possible. I wasn't concerned with keeping up with everyone else.......I just wanted to practice moving consciously. I made sure to scoop my tailbone in every Cobra and engage my core continually through class since I have recently discovered actually diminishes the pain in my back quite significantly. However, the extent to which I must engage my core is hard to maintain over very long periods of time, so I move through waves of pain and comfort throughout the day.
Class was going well until we moved into back bends. Dhanurasana and Salabhasana are not terrible on my back, but when Donna called out Ustrasana, I went straight into Child's Pose. My ego again taunting me and I fought back tears of frustration. It's hard for me to accept that I can't do a pose when I've worked so hard to bring my practice to where it is. As a perfectionist, I want to be able to do do everything well and when I'm forced to take 10 steps backward; even if it is for the best, I feel a kind of shame.....like I have been forced to give up when I never wanted to quit.
As class moved on, we came to Bridge Pose and Urdvha Dhanurasana. I figured I would be okay in Bridge Pose the whole time. I used a block between my thighs and made sure my ankles squeezed towards each other, I made sure my knees reached in one direction as my chest reached in the other. I made sure not to squeeze my glutes and even used my hands to support my low back. I engaged my abs, but to no happy endings. When we were done and came into Supta Padangustasana, I closed my eyes. My back stung and tears streamed from the corners of my eyes onto my mat. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do to create a comfortable Bridge Pose and got a world of hurt instead. When you do everything in your power to try and make it better for yourself in the pose and nothing works, what then? No Bridge Pose for a while as well? Back bends are supposed to be the most therapeutic poses in yoga when done correctly. So what now?
I had plans to take Mitchel's class Tuesday night since he knows of my back issues and can offer adjustments during class that may bring relief to my back. After yesterday's class, I have offered to help assist Mitchel with adjustments during his class instead of potentially putting myself in another painful situation.
I have tried to correct my poses in an effort to alleviate my pain. Acupuncture may be next or a private session with Mitchel. My asana practice doesn't feel like a wise option right now, so when all else fails......teach. The silver lining on this whole issue is that I'm learning (the hard way) what I need to tell my students to do in their practice to avoid injury and back pain. In the end it just makes me a much better teacher and one my students will trust.
With an abundance of love and gratitude.
Namaste!
Kristen
I moved well through most of class, albeit much slower than I normally do. I needed to be mindful of every movement and every muscle engagement to ensure I was practicing as safely as possible. I wasn't concerned with keeping up with everyone else.......I just wanted to practice moving consciously. I made sure to scoop my tailbone in every Cobra and engage my core continually through class since I have recently discovered actually diminishes the pain in my back quite significantly. However, the extent to which I must engage my core is hard to maintain over very long periods of time, so I move through waves of pain and comfort throughout the day.
Class was going well until we moved into back bends. Dhanurasana and Salabhasana are not terrible on my back, but when Donna called out Ustrasana, I went straight into Child's Pose. My ego again taunting me and I fought back tears of frustration. It's hard for me to accept that I can't do a pose when I've worked so hard to bring my practice to where it is. As a perfectionist, I want to be able to do do everything well and when I'm forced to take 10 steps backward; even if it is for the best, I feel a kind of shame.....like I have been forced to give up when I never wanted to quit.
As class moved on, we came to Bridge Pose and Urdvha Dhanurasana. I figured I would be okay in Bridge Pose the whole time. I used a block between my thighs and made sure my ankles squeezed towards each other, I made sure my knees reached in one direction as my chest reached in the other. I made sure not to squeeze my glutes and even used my hands to support my low back. I engaged my abs, but to no happy endings. When we were done and came into Supta Padangustasana, I closed my eyes. My back stung and tears streamed from the corners of my eyes onto my mat. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do to create a comfortable Bridge Pose and got a world of hurt instead. When you do everything in your power to try and make it better for yourself in the pose and nothing works, what then? No Bridge Pose for a while as well? Back bends are supposed to be the most therapeutic poses in yoga when done correctly. So what now?
I had plans to take Mitchel's class Tuesday night since he knows of my back issues and can offer adjustments during class that may bring relief to my back. After yesterday's class, I have offered to help assist Mitchel with adjustments during his class instead of potentially putting myself in another painful situation.
I have tried to correct my poses in an effort to alleviate my pain. Acupuncture may be next or a private session with Mitchel. My asana practice doesn't feel like a wise option right now, so when all else fails......teach. The silver lining on this whole issue is that I'm learning (the hard way) what I need to tell my students to do in their practice to avoid injury and back pain. In the end it just makes me a much better teacher and one my students will trust.
With an abundance of love and gratitude.
Namaste!
Kristen
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Backing Down
I am one of those people who rarely backs down from a challenge. If you tell me I can't do something, I will do everything in my power to prove you wrong. That's clearly my ego getting the best of me and me giving in to it.
In terms of my asana practice, this presents a problem. In all my striving to advance my practice, I will sometimes ignore the pain or discomfort in my body simply to prove to myself that I can do a certain pose. I will rationalize that what I feel is merely sore muscles from the practice the day before and that what I feel is just part of the process of teaching my body more advanced asana. What has to happen before I will honor the truth of what my body is telling me or must I learn the hard way and put myself in a situation where a certain pose will literally "break the yogi's back"?
Ever since I learned how to properly go into back bends, I am periodically plagued with pain in my lower back that clearly suggests I'm not doing my back bends correctly. How can this be? I teach back bends to my students and yet, I myself can't do one consistently without hurting myself? Now, this isn't always the case. Sometimes I go into a back bend with all the planets aligned and suffer no ill repercussions.....in fact, I end up wanting to do more, but more often than not, my back will pinch, ache and spasm following my attempts.
So here I am, sitting on my mat, fighting it out with my ego, trying not to let it get the best of me. The teacher says to the class as we are about to come into Ustrasana, "Please listen to your body before you listen to my voice."
The words offered comfort and a way out and I knew it was okay to back down from my self-created challenge of going into a pose that I knew would sting my back and most certainly make me cry. With frustration boiling in my blood and tears beginning to well up in my eyes, I surrender to Child's Pose, my mind creating the illusion of defeat.
What have I learned? No amount of ego tripping is worth hurting myself or taking a situation from bad to worse. My body knows what it needs and I have to learn to honor that and take better care of myself so my body can take better care of me. Just because I am unable to come into a pose over the course of several classes does not mean that I am broken and will never be able to perform back bends ever again. This is a bump in the road on my journey through my yoga practice. It serves as a reminder to recognize when I am allowing my ego to push my buttons to the point of ignoring the needs of my body for the sake of feeling victorious in my practice.
After all, if you don't listen to the signals your body is giving, you are more or less beating yourself up. In the end, the body will take you out when it's had enough. What does that say about how you feel about yourself if you are continually beating yourself up to satisfy your ego? Yoga is about connection and honoring the connections between yourself and all living and non-living things. When you ignore the connections closest to you, you need to ask why. What is going on in your life that pushes you to beat yourself up and act out in ways contrary to the values at the core of yoga? We want to move and act from a place of love and joy, and when we aren't feeling those things; it shows in our practice on and off our mats. We become competitive with ourselves and those around us. Perhaps we or others have expectations of us that we aren't living up to and then we "punish" ourselves on our mat trying to at least live up to our own expectations in our asana practice. After all, its just yoga.....isn't it?
Ever since I learned how to properly go into back bends, I am periodically plagued with pain in my lower back that clearly suggests I'm not doing my back bends correctly. How can this be? I teach back bends to my students and yet, I myself can't do one consistently without hurting myself? Now, this isn't always the case. Sometimes I go into a back bend with all the planets aligned and suffer no ill repercussions.....in fact, I end up wanting to do more, but more often than not, my back will pinch, ache and spasm following my attempts.
So here I am, sitting on my mat, fighting it out with my ego, trying not to let it get the best of me. The teacher says to the class as we are about to come into Ustrasana, "Please listen to your body before you listen to my voice."
The words offered comfort and a way out and I knew it was okay to back down from my self-created challenge of going into a pose that I knew would sting my back and most certainly make me cry. With frustration boiling in my blood and tears beginning to well up in my eyes, I surrender to Child's Pose, my mind creating the illusion of defeat.
What have I learned? No amount of ego tripping is worth hurting myself or taking a situation from bad to worse. My body knows what it needs and I have to learn to honor that and take better care of myself so my body can take better care of me. Just because I am unable to come into a pose over the course of several classes does not mean that I am broken and will never be able to perform back bends ever again. This is a bump in the road on my journey through my yoga practice. It serves as a reminder to recognize when I am allowing my ego to push my buttons to the point of ignoring the needs of my body for the sake of feeling victorious in my practice.
After all, if you don't listen to the signals your body is giving, you are more or less beating yourself up. In the end, the body will take you out when it's had enough. What does that say about how you feel about yourself if you are continually beating yourself up to satisfy your ego? Yoga is about connection and honoring the connections between yourself and all living and non-living things. When you ignore the connections closest to you, you need to ask why. What is going on in your life that pushes you to beat yourself up and act out in ways contrary to the values at the core of yoga? We want to move and act from a place of love and joy, and when we aren't feeling those things; it shows in our practice on and off our mats. We become competitive with ourselves and those around us. Perhaps we or others have expectations of us that we aren't living up to and then we "punish" ourselves on our mat trying to at least live up to our own expectations in our asana practice. After all, its just yoga.....isn't it?
Be gentle, forgiving and patient with yourself. We have perfection residing within each of us, but that doesn't mean we are infallible or indestructible.
By backing down and not giving into the ego, you are sending a clear and loving message to yourself that shows you love yourself enough to modify to your abilities, that you honor your body and in the act of honoring yourself, are truly practicing yoga.
By backing down and not giving into the ego, you are sending a clear and loving message to yourself that shows you love yourself enough to modify to your abilities, that you honor your body and in the act of honoring yourself, are truly practicing yoga.
With an abundance of love and gratitude!
Namaste!
Kristen
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Fire Ceremony
This past Tuesday, January 4th and the night of the New Moon, a fire ceremony was held at the yoga studio where I practice. The evening was filled with music, meditation and spiritual cleansing in order to begin 2011 fresh and to ask the universe for its help in bringing to us that which we most desire.
In the process, we were also asked to throw into the fire anything that no longer serves us. I certainly threw a few things away that I no longer needed. My wish for the new year that I sent out to the universe is to be a constant source of inspiration to my students in an effort to help them along their path through yoga. I became a teacher in effort to transform lives and the way many view the world that we live in. I find I have days where the words simply aren't there to inspire my students. I asked that the Goddess Saraswati (Hindu Goddess of art, music and speech) speak through me so I could reach my students on a deeper level.
In the few days following, strange things have begun to happen. Normally, I am so consumed by my own agenda and what I want to get done during the day that other things get left to chance, like dinner, house work, the needs of my family. Lately out of nowhere, I find myself motivated to get things done......not for my sake, but for that of my family. I know it sounds horrible that I don't normally consider my family throughout the course of my day, but sadly house work, dinner, laundry etc. are afterthoughts that I'd rather not deal with; another chore on my long list of things to do. It's like a reconnection is taking place between me and my family despite the fact that I have a very busy schedule. It feels great and I'm seeing the yoga in what I'm doing.
After all, yoga is about connections and how we relate to each other. It's so easy to get caught up in our busy lives and put on hold those who need our attention the most. It's as though Saraswati heard my request and is helping me to gain proper perspective on the yoga of life and relationships so I can talk about it from first hand experience. She is helping me to see the interconnections of my life and how they all come together to influence each other.
The latest task I took on of my own volition that I normally wouldn't do is shoveling snow off the driveway when it snowed yesterday. I usually leave that for my husband to do, but I felt compelled to do it for him because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving it until he came home from a busy day at work. I wanted to simply take that task off his list and that's exactly what I did. He was so appreciative of it too.
A connection between spouses is a crucial one to foster and maintain. Sadly, my busy life has caused me to almost ignore this relationship and has created what feels like a canyon of distance between my husband and myself. My request to Saraswati for her guidance and inspiration has begun to narrow the divide and make me grateful for the love and support I have in my life on a daily basis no matter how busy my day gets. Now I just need to return the favor.
With an abundance of love and gratitude!
Thank you for reading.
Namaste!
Kristen
In the process, we were also asked to throw into the fire anything that no longer serves us. I certainly threw a few things away that I no longer needed. My wish for the new year that I sent out to the universe is to be a constant source of inspiration to my students in an effort to help them along their path through yoga. I became a teacher in effort to transform lives and the way many view the world that we live in. I find I have days where the words simply aren't there to inspire my students. I asked that the Goddess Saraswati (Hindu Goddess of art, music and speech) speak through me so I could reach my students on a deeper level.
In the few days following, strange things have begun to happen. Normally, I am so consumed by my own agenda and what I want to get done during the day that other things get left to chance, like dinner, house work, the needs of my family. Lately out of nowhere, I find myself motivated to get things done......not for my sake, but for that of my family. I know it sounds horrible that I don't normally consider my family throughout the course of my day, but sadly house work, dinner, laundry etc. are afterthoughts that I'd rather not deal with; another chore on my long list of things to do. It's like a reconnection is taking place between me and my family despite the fact that I have a very busy schedule. It feels great and I'm seeing the yoga in what I'm doing.
After all, yoga is about connections and how we relate to each other. It's so easy to get caught up in our busy lives and put on hold those who need our attention the most. It's as though Saraswati heard my request and is helping me to gain proper perspective on the yoga of life and relationships so I can talk about it from first hand experience. She is helping me to see the interconnections of my life and how they all come together to influence each other.
The latest task I took on of my own volition that I normally wouldn't do is shoveling snow off the driveway when it snowed yesterday. I usually leave that for my husband to do, but I felt compelled to do it for him because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving it until he came home from a busy day at work. I wanted to simply take that task off his list and that's exactly what I did. He was so appreciative of it too.
A connection between spouses is a crucial one to foster and maintain. Sadly, my busy life has caused me to almost ignore this relationship and has created what feels like a canyon of distance between my husband and myself. My request to Saraswati for her guidance and inspiration has begun to narrow the divide and make me grateful for the love and support I have in my life on a daily basis no matter how busy my day gets. Now I just need to return the favor.
With an abundance of love and gratitude!
Thank you for reading.
Namaste!
Kristen
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Upside of Loss
In thinking about change, I consider those life changing events that happen where we lose something. Whether it's a job, a marriage, a house or the passing of a dear friend or family member, these events prompt us to question our lives and how we live them. It's those questions we ask of ourselves that open doors for change and growth.
When we become insightful in this way, it helps to sure up the foundations of who we are so we don't fall apart amidst the loss. The self discoveries we make during these hard times become the cement of our beings, reinforcing what is already in place, allowing us to build upon past experiences and helping us to be stronger going forward as we ascend as wiser and more divine beings.
All loss brings with it a fresh start and an opportunity to grow to be and do more with the life we've been given.
When we become insightful in this way, it helps to sure up the foundations of who we are so we don't fall apart amidst the loss. The self discoveries we make during these hard times become the cement of our beings, reinforcing what is already in place, allowing us to build upon past experiences and helping us to be stronger going forward as we ascend as wiser and more divine beings.
All loss brings with it a fresh start and an opportunity to grow to be and do more with the life we've been given.
With an abundance of peace and love!
Namaste!
Kristen
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Creepy.....in a good way.
This past Monday I had something happen that can only be described as creepy, but it was definitely a good thing. I remember sitting on my bed that morning thinking about the yoga class that would be happening that night at 8:00pm at LA Fitness. This class was not mine, it belongs to another instructor named Shelly. I remember thinking to myself that I hoped Shelly would come to me first if she ever decided to give up that class. I went about my day as usual and didn't give it another thought.
That same afternoon, around 3pm, my cell phone rang and I saw it was Shelly. How odd given that I had only been thinking about her that very morning. After some small talk, she got to the point and asked me if I was interested in taking over the Monday night class for her since she simply has too much on her plate right now and that she wanted to ask me first since she knows how much the students enjoy my classes. Weird. Right? Of course my answer to her was DEFINITELY!
The only explanation I have for what happened was that mine and Shelly's energies were synced up and everything happened just right. I don't know how else to explain the quick turn around from thought to actuality. Pretty amazing stuff. Never underestimate the power of your thoughts to bring about change.
With an abundance of love and gratitude,
Kristen
That same afternoon, around 3pm, my cell phone rang and I saw it was Shelly. How odd given that I had only been thinking about her that very morning. After some small talk, she got to the point and asked me if I was interested in taking over the Monday night class for her since she simply has too much on her plate right now and that she wanted to ask me first since she knows how much the students enjoy my classes. Weird. Right? Of course my answer to her was DEFINITELY!
The only explanation I have for what happened was that mine and Shelly's energies were synced up and everything happened just right. I don't know how else to explain the quick turn around from thought to actuality. Pretty amazing stuff. Never underestimate the power of your thoughts to bring about change.
With an abundance of love and gratitude,
Kristen
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