Trust

I've been thinking a lot about trust.  I often find myself reminding my daughter about the importance of trust when she opts to give her father and I half-truths regarding her school work in order to avoid scrutiny over her grades or the effort that she could be making, but chooses not to.  Her half-truths and complete omissions of certain facts that we later discover, have proven making trusting her word difficult.  I don't like admitting that I have a hard time trusting my daughter when it comes her school work, but I do.  Thankfully, she hasn't had any reason to lie about other things in her life....and hopefully she never will.

As a teen, I lost my parent's trust continuously as I navigated my boy-crazy years.  What I've learned as I reflect back on those years, the only reason I wasn't honest about where I was going or who I was seeing was because I knew I would be faced with criticism and anything I wanted to do would be met with a resounding, "No."  So I would lie......and always got caught!

In the end, the lying never got me anywhere....I only dug myself a deeper hole that became harder and harder to get out of every time I got caught lying.  These are lessons that I'm passing down to my daughter in hopes that she will learn from my mistakes and not repeat them as she moves into her teen-hood.

As an adult, I've become very good at spotting a lie.  I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but after a while, the effects of repeated lies, wears on me.  I become really peeved when I discover that I've been lied to....even if it's a seemingly harmless lie.  When you know you have been lied to, insecurity runs rampant!  You wonder, "Why am I being lied to? What don't they want me to know? Don't they respect me enough to give me the truth? What did I do that they can't be honest with me?"

Relationships, romantic or friendly can only be maintained if there is a foundation of trust.  Trust is built with complete honesty and transparency.  When there is a lack of honesty, friendships crumble due to resentment because there is an inherent lack of respect for the other person's feelings.  The worst is when I know a person is deliberately lying to me and thinks I don't know.  It's an insult to my intelligence.  Often times, it's their actions that give them away.  Most people have unconscious behavior patterns that they aren't aware of, but I pick up on.  I catch the lie when the expected pattern is broken, but they have no idea that I've picked up on it or that they've broken their own pattern.  Scary, I know, that I would be that tuned in to people, but it's something I've gotten good at and helps me to know who I can trust and who I can't.  And I hate feeling like I can't trust people that I actually care about.....people that I regard as good friends.  Makes me wonder if they are worth keeping.

The question then becomes, why do I keep these liars in my life?  Why not just cast them off as the disrespectful and insensitive people that they can be when they decide to lie to me?  Because I'm a sucker for second chances (and third...and fourth) and we all have moments where we question the wisdom of telling the complete truth in an effort spare another person's feelings.  Here's the thing.....it's best to just tell the truth right away!!!  Regardless of whether you think you are doing the other person a favor by lying to them in that moment.....it will be FAR MORE detrimental to the relationship down the road when it's discovered that you lied to spare their feelings and thought it nobel at the time to do so.  No one likes to be lied to.  Telling the truth, no matter how scary, is courageous.  Lying is cowardly.

And remember, when you lie, you have to remember the lie....and you have to keep carrying that around with you.  When you tell the truth, there's no fabrication to remember.  You are liberated from the burden of carrying around stories and half-truths.  You have to ask yourself, "Is this lie worth hurting this relationship?"  If the answer is,"no", then tell the truth.  If you don't value the relationship, then your lies will effectively end it and you will be liberated from the responsibility of maintaining trust and transparency.  

Reflection on my 500hr. YTT

Over the past week or so, I have had brief interactions with people from past experiences, some of which were challenging, but most were joyful.  It's of course the challenging experiences that I recall with the most sting.  For whatever reason, these etch themselves deeper than the happy moments, making them harder to forget.

The one I need to write about that I've recently had clarity on was the experience of going through my  500hr yoga teacher training.  That was a very difficult experience for me for a number of reasons.

1. I felt a lot of negative energy coming from the husband/wife teacher duo in part because I asked a lot of questions and needed more reassurance than they wanted to give during the 200hr training. For that, I was invisibly branded as a "problem".

2.  I was still dealing with a shoulder injury that one of those teachers refused to help me with, leaving me no choice but to seek help from a physical therapist, who thankfully has become a dear friend and mentor to me, showing me that my "teacher" was actually doing more harm than good for his students.  In hindsight, it wasn't my teacher's job to fix me, but I was still learning these things.

3. I realize now as I look back, I was going through a depression during my training.  The negative energy that was aimed in my direction during training only served to make me more insecure than I already was.  Other trainees began treating me with the same negativity as the two teachers who seemed to do everything in their power make me feel excluded and unwanted.  I experienced moments where I was completely inconsolable....crying in the middle of the Hanuman Chalisa because I hadn't memorized the words when I thought I should have by that point.  Even though I'd been teaching consistently and confidently for more than 2 years at that time, I couldn't  teach in front of these teachers without crying, because I feared their criticism of me.  I was paralyzed by my own insecurity at that time and the practice that I loved became one that I loathed and even considered giving up.

As I look back, I recall the moment I met my insecurity and confronted it.  It was this troll-like creature that would sit in the back of my head and tell me lies. I avoided my practice and my fellow trainees, believing the insecurity that had its death grip on me.

"Why would you go to class? It's not like they want you there."
"No one likes you. Just stay home.  It's safer here."
"You aren't good enough to teach.  Why waste your time with training?"
"You're so stupid.  No one wants to hear what you have to say."

This voice, was actually the unspoken words of my teachers that were energetically communicated to me.  Sadly, for a while, I believed them.

When I finally realized what was going on and that these were lies, I called it out and took back my power and went to class.  It was supposed to be a Follow The Yogi class with the one teacher who made me feel the smallest and I felt good enough to march into class, practice fiercely and not feel insecure.  As luck would have it that day, he wasn't teaching.  Probably for the best anyway.

Here it is now, two years later and much has changed....for the better. That negative energy is no longer present in my life with exception of people who were in that training with me, watched me battle my demons and have since kept their distance and only exchange the bare minimum of pleasantries with me.  When that happens, it stings.  It's a throwback of what I went through during that time and reminds me that people still exist in this world who are scared of those who show the world their truth vs. only sharing what people want to see.  Yes, I made people uncomfortable by crying openly and presenting myself as emotionally wounded, but I survived it and I learned from it.  Doesn't that make me worth knowing?  Or is it just better to keep a distance between your safe existence and my honest experience? I need to remember, it's not about me.....everyone is fighting their own battle whether they are aware of it or not.  If someone feels uncomfortable around me, that says more about them than it does about me.  I'm just being true to myself.

There are those who attended that same training who have remained true friends. They held me up during that trying time and reassured me when I needed it most.  I was the insecure Hanuman and they were the villagers who sang my praises to help me make the confident leap back to my truth and my joy.  Even though I don't speak to them on a regular basis, I love them for their support and their kindness when others just dismissed me as pathetic and hopeless.

Today, I am head yoga teacher for Kure Yoga and Wellness in Norwalk, CT.  I have big plans to bring  a new way of doing things onto the yoga mat.  My confidence is not so easily rocked these days and I look forward to having a team that will share in my vision.

All that has happened to this point has shaped me into the person I am today.  I have the experience, the wisdom and the knowledge to do things now that I never dreamed possible.  For that, I am truly grateful!

Namaste!

Kristen

My Body, My Friend.

As I emerged from the shower this morning, I do what I do every time I step out and see my naked body standing before me.  I assess, critique, ponder and sometimes cringe.  Today however, I saw my body a little differently.  First, let me fill you in on the thoughts that normally go through my head when I scrutinize my physique and all the perceived imperfections I hold about my body as I look into the giant mirror in my bathroom.

Would I love to lose about 10 pounds?  Yep!

Do I wish my thighs wouldn't rub together when I walk?  Yes!

Do I wish I had less cellulite on my thighs?  Absolutely!

Do I wish my butt was little smaller?  It'd be nice.

Do I long to have a smooth, flat abdominal area again, like I did before I had kids?  Yes.

Today, however....I looked upon my body with pride.  I saw it as the vehicle that has carried me through more joyous moments and war zones than I can count.  And it still does.  It has housed my my emotions, expressed and repressed, and has told me through spells of chronic pain how much it hates when I repress my emotions.  So I removed my filter and speak from my heart and from a place of truth as much as possible so my body doesn't carry the weight and painful burden of secrets and lies.  When I express my joy, get silly, have giggle fits and experience the effervescent, infectious bliss that is my truest nature, my body is happy because it just got really high off endorphins!

I know that my body carries a wisdom that the young, nubile bodies that walk into my yoga classes don't yet possess.  My body has experienced moments of insane strength and flexibility that, on occasion, has surprised even me.  Astavakrasana being my favorite display of that strength and focus that came to me when I least expected it.  My body has known injury and devastating pain that served to teach me the importance of good alignment and excellent core strength.  Learning to breathe in such a way to calm and heal my body in moments of stress is something my body has benefitted from greatly that most people regard as overrated.  My body has experienced pregnancy and child birth which is joyous and traumatic at the same time.  No amount of core strength will keep the loose skin around my belly from sagging down as I lower into a Chaturanga Danadasana during class.  I could hide it, but sometimes I don't want to.  This is my body and it has served me well.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.

I find myself in class sometimes crying tears of gratitude for my body as I fold into a Janu Sirsasana or Paschimottansana....welling over with pride at how far we have come together.  Bowing in love and reverence for the trials and joys we have been through together.  Those moments are most precious to me and give perspective to what's truly important.  Good health and happiness are the most important....not the image of perfection the media wants us to buy into.  Women are meant to have curves and more fatty tissue than men.  We are supposed to be soft and supple.  Embrace it all.  The curves, the folds, the stretch marks, the cellulite.  Women's bodies were designed to create and carry new life, give birth and then feed and nurture that new life.  Our softness ends up being the sanctuary for our babies.  What's not to love about that?

Tight Psoas???

There have been so many articles written by William Broad in the past couple of years that have slandered yoga as a practice that will either cripple you or kill you.  As a teacher, I think that it's important to take an approach that has therapeutic benefits and minimize the scare tactics.  I have a student and friend, Dave, who I also regard as a mentor as it pertains to anatomy and physiology.  He is a physical therapist who actually practices yoga and has adapted his PT practice to incorporate yoga techniques to facilitate healing in his clients.  I have been working with him for over two years with not only my own injuries, but those of some of my students which range from simple aches from misalignment to acute pain brought on by hyper-mobility.  None of the injuries are a result of my class, but rather they walk into my class hoping for a cure.  When they describe the issues they are having, I give them Dave's number if it's something I feel he should look at first before they continue with their yoga practice.  Most students are able to continue coming to class while Dave treats them which gives me a chance to see how he wants them to modify certain poses.  This only furthers my teaching abilities to make my classes safer and more therapeutic for my students.

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who I haven't spoken to in a while.  She is a fellow teacher who went through training with me for both 200hr & 500hr YTT.  As we were catching up, she was discussing the idea of opening a yoga studio, but was not sure how successful she could be with it since there is so much saturation in the market.  I began to tell her about the direction I've been going in with my teaching and personal philosophy around yoga and how it's become more therapeutic and using aspects of physical therapy to heal, transform and strengthen the body so it's less prone to injury in yoga.  This inspired her to consider therapeutic yoga since she knows of several studios that don't give enough alignment queues, which could result in injuries.....hence the need for her studio.

As I continued my conversation with my friend yesterday, we were discussing certain stretches that I have learned to release muscles that often get tight over the course of a normal day.  Our conversation inspired me to share what I have learned on my own path of healing and learning to navigate my own trouble spots in my body.  The muscle that tends to tighten up the most seems to be the ilio-psoas muscle, which traverses the body from the back at the lumbar spine, around to the front of the body and attaches at the inner thigh.  When we sit a lot, the area at the hip crease tends to shorten, causing pain upon standing.  If we have a posterior pelvic tilt when standing, which thrusts the hips forward, the pain tends to go to the psoas at the low back because it's being  impinged.  In my experience, I have felt both.  In working with Dave, he came up with a stretch that helps release the psoas to make life more comfortable.  The first stretch is a gentler version of the second.  The second pose is not recommended if you have a serious ankle, knee or back injury.

First, use a heating pad to warm and soften the tight muscle area.  Here, I am heating the front of my psoas.  Do this for at least 5 minutes before stretching.

Once the muscle is warmed up, lay down on the edge of a bed or table and have one leg hanging off. Hold your foot in your hand....DO NOT PULL or offer resistance to the leg; let gravity do the work.  Tone the navel toward the spine even though you have the support of a bed beneath you.  Hold this position for one minute.  Breathe.

If you have been experiencing chronic tightness of the psoas, it is recommended to do this stretch 3x a day.


The other variation is much deeper and only for experienced yogis who do not have injuries to the ankle, knee or back.  In my experience, this stretch releases the WHOLE psoas.

Again, begin with the heating pad for at least 5 minutes and then open the psoas with the first stretch above.  Once you have done that, bring yourself into Ardha Supta Virasana.

If you are really tight...even for an experienced yogi, keeping one foot on the floor may be enough.  Hug the (right)ankle in toward the body and anchor the knee toward the floor.  Imagine you are stretching your knee down and away from you.  Breathe.

Tone the navel toward the spine so there is less of an arch to the low back, bringing the lowest ribs closer to the floor.  If you need more stretch, hold the back of the (left) leg and bring it towards the body.  Keep anchoring the right knee towards the floor and hugging the ankle in.  Hold for at least 30 seconds.  Breathe.

I have many other stretches I plan to share with you and maybe even have Dave weigh in on a few.

To your continued health and vitality!!

Namaste!
Kristen

The Rut

It's been a week since I last practiced asana(yoga poses).  Before that, it had been a week as well.  I can say that it's a busy time of year when the children go back to school and there just isn't time....or in the weeks prior, it was because camp had ended and my kids were home and I couldn't attend class or I was away with my family, but I'm a teacher....I shouldn't have to attend class to say I practiced.  I can go it alone at home....just me and my mat, which right now sounds quite appealing.  That is, if my two children weren't home from school for Rosh Hashana and dominating my bedroom, which is the only space I have in my house to roll out my mat.  Sure, I can ask them nicely to take their TV watching elsewhere in the house, but then there's the issue of my hamstring.  Do I really want to aggravate it like I did when I practiced a week ago?

I know, I know.  Excuses, excuses.  Fact is, I'm in a practice rut.  I get this way from time to time, where making the effort to step onto my mat or attend class seems like a monumental feat.  To find and then stay with my breath is elusive and frustrating.  To just allow myself to flow in and out of poses with ease instead of over-thinking, "are my shoulders aligned?", "am I engaging my core enough to protect my back?", "is this stretch too much for my hamstring?"  The things I ask my self during my practice all elude to one line of thinking....I'm broken.  That thinking has to change so I can get on my mat fearlessly.  Getting on my mat has become work.....a chore...and as my husband knows all too well, I hate chores.  I've become the person (temporarily) who buys a gym membership, but never goes.

So what do I do in lieu of practicing?  I write a blog about why I'm not practicing.  Comical.  This however, is a form of practice.  It builds awareness which is what yoga teaches us.  I can just pour it out right here.  Read it back a few times and face the truth....then do something about it.  Maybe.  The truth is, I'm lazy.  My yoga practice has to incorporate physical therapy to keep my body tuned up or I risk injury again.  The idea of having to include all those exercises into my practice could keep me on my mat for 2+ hours.  I'm still figuring it out and overwhelmed by the task.  I just need to learn how to focus on one thing at a time instead of everything all at once.

Lately I've turned to meditation as a way to deepen the connection with myself, my thoughts and my feelings.  As much as I love to meditate, I tend to, again, make excuses not to do it.  Errands, laundry, kids, etc. take precedence over what could help me shift from the inside out.  I was telling my students the other day that the one relationship that tends to be put on the back burner, is the relationship we have with ourselves.  Like anything that becomes a permanent fixture in our lives that we know is always there, we take it for granted and don't pay as much attention to it as we should to nurture and cultivate a healthy sense of self awareness and self love.  Instead of being the clunky piece of immovable furniture that we trip over once in a while, we can be that prized possession that takes center stage, gets polished and shown off.  We have been and always will be with ourselves until the day we die, so it's a good idea to learn to love yourself as much as possible and know yourself better than anyone else if you want to enjoy and grow in this life.

So how do I surface from this rut?  I just have to push through and get focused.  Just like any chore....like cleaning my house....once I get going, it's not so bad and I actually get on a roll and have a nice sense of accomplishment when it's all done.  So I guess you could say, my asana practice is house keeping for my body, mind and spirit....which right now has a few too many cobwebs, dust bunnies and creaky floor boards that need tending to.

Time to push through.

Namaste!

Kristen

Who am I to be fabulous?...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  ~Marianne Williamson

I love this quote.  It speaks to the insecurity that manifests itself within us all at some point in our lives and dares us to consider otherwise.

I have been participating in the Chopra Center 21-Day Meditation Challenge on Miraculous Relationships and today was Day 5 - Miraculous Esteem.  What struck me immediately as Deepak was centering was how easily I could see the connection to my own life.  As we began the meditation, I started to cry tears of painful recognition that so often I feel incredibly unworthy of the blessings I have in my own life.  

I second guess myself all the time.  Am I worthy of being a wife to this wonderful man?  Am I really deserving of being a mom and, furthermore, am I doing a good enough job?  Do my friends really like me for who I am or are they just putting up with me out of pity? 

All ridiculous questions of self-worth that I quickly dismiss when I have them knowing the years of self-discovery it's taken to get to where I am, leading to the knowledge of how fucking awesome I am!!   

Still, more often than not, I still get niggled by doubts around the fact that I am a yoga teacher; a role I take very seriously and am very passionate about.  I love my work.  Couldn't ask for a better job.  I get to hang out with like-minded individuals mostly committed to personal growth and exploration and I get excited when I think about how much more there is to discover about myself.

"It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

I get tripped up by my insecurities around teaching because my feelings of self-worth tell me I have no right to stand up in front of a group of people and claim to know anything about navigating the different terrains of life.  What do I know???  I stop myself short all the time, thinking I'm going to offend someone with my point of view.  And yet, I know from everything I've been through in my life, that I am well qualified to speak to a multitude of human conditions and have first hand knowledge of what's it's like to be in those situations.  

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

Only very recently, I've begun to find that space within me that has the courage to speak to what is on my mind with passion in my voice.  I almost don't recognize my voice as my own and yet it feels so liberating to be breaking free from the constraints that hold me back so often.  I've found the key is to really understand myself in relation to what I'm discussing with others.  I have to have that connection with myself in order to help others connect to it as well. When I find that conviction, the energy and passion comes through in my voice and I sense that I'm truly connecting with my students and they are connecting with me.

"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you."

As a society, I feel we have lost our voices and have become disempowered.  We shy away from speaking our mind because we don't want to hurt others, create conflict or make people feel uncomfortable.  We were taught at an early age, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  "In a public venue, steer clear of religion and politics."  Or somewhere along the way, we got the idea in our heads that saying "I love you." is only meant for couples.  I can't tell you how many people I say "I love you" to on a daily basis and it feels so good to express that when I genuinely feel it.  It's not just my husband and my kids, but my friends and fellow teachers. Most of the time it's reciprocated, other times it's not, but that doesn't matter, it's the fact that those words get out there so the other person knows they are loved.

If there is one thing I hope this blog post leaves you with is the courage to find your voice and learn to speak from a place of absolute truth within you and don't be afraid of your voice.   Sometimes it's the only thing we have that can make a difference.  When we speak our truth, we speak from a place of love and inner knowing and there is no space to question your self-worth at that point, because you just KNOW.

Namaste!

Kristen

Ego vs. Soul

"Been thinking a lot lately about the role the ego plays in one's life and how it manifests itself in the practice of yoga. When we aren't aware of ourselves and our actions, we proceed through life like a bull in a china shop; knocking over and breaking things; starting fires where we never meant to and then blaming the other person for what broke or burned. The Ego keeps us from being accountable for our words and our actions. Wake up and see the role you play in this tapestry of life. You are not separate from me and there is nothing you do that doesn't effect another person or thing in this universe. Be accountable!"

~ Kristen Luther


I've had the opportunity recently to really reflect on the Ego vs. Soul or True Self.  As an outsider looking in on my friends and students who are newer to yoga, I am reminded of my own journey and how I began.

My first yoga class was taken on a lunch break at New York Sports Club and being that I am naturally limber with something of a dancer's body, I was more concerned with how I was dressed for class than I was about form or function of my own body during class.  At 27 years old at the time, I was all about the outward appearance of things and had NO idea that less than 10 years later, yoga would become my life and my passion.....a true expression of who I am on the inside.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my first trip up to Kripalu to assist a friend with a weekend workshop resulted in my realization of how little I really knew about yoga.  I had the outward appearance down pat.  I had just begun teaching in a gym setting with my AFAA certification newly acquired.  I was reading Yoga Journal and buying all the gear that helped my feel more like a yogini.  I felt awesome and like I was getting somewhere....until I was surrounded by so many others who had been practicing yoga much longer than I had and seemed so comfortable with themselves that I felt like a total fraud; a fish out of water.  I was humbled.  I was so uncomfortable that I ended up leaving early and retreating back to my family.  Only thing is, you can't go back to having your head in the sand after a realization like that.....the kind that wakes you up and you suddenly see your place.

I realized just how uncomfortable I was in my own skin and it was due to the fact that everything that mattered to me was external.  All I cared about was accomplishing the next challenging pose and bragging that I had the strength to pull it off or pretending that I was spiritual when I had no idea yet what I was talking about or if I even believed it.   None of the internal, reflective process had taken place yet in my yoga practice and until that happened, my practice would never be anything more than what you see on the pages of a Yoga Journal magazine; a superficial act, all for show, and a life with no depth.

It wasn't until I went through my 200hr teacher training that I was broken wide open and so many realizations came to the fore.  I began to see the role I played in various places I'd been in my life, from work to family to friends and realized that I had a terrible habit of placing blame on everyone else instead of taking responsibility for my own actions.  I saw sides of myself I never wanted to acknowledge; hurtful words spoken without thought, judgements and assumptions made out of ignorance, things I look back on now and cringe, but have since made peace with, and have weeded through the aspects of my life and myself that no longer serve me.  What emerged from the fiery depths of my own inner-turmoil is a wild-at-heart, fun loving, compassionate human being who just wants to bring the experience of yoga to as many people as possible so they too can reach within themselves and discover that great being that walks within them.

The challenge is recognizing how much you don't yet know and being okay with that and maybe commit to learning.   The ego, however, doesn't like to concede ignorance or be called wrong, so half-baked theories and excuses may surface to placate the ego until actual facts are attained.  To say, "I need to look into that and get back to you."is a perfectly acceptable answer to a question you don't yet have the answer for.  To pretend to know something you don't only hurts everyone involved...like a bull in a china shop.  When we speak and live from a place of absolute truth, the ego falls away and we live a life of freedom and expansion instead of one fear and contraction.

"A fool will think he is wise, while a wise man will admit he is a fool." ~ William Shakespeare

So where are you in your practice?  Can you admit to not having all the answers?  It takes courage to stand up to the ego and allow yourself to be humbled by the truth of your own ignorance.  And yet, in realizing how much there is to learn, the doors of possibility swing wide open and new thirst for knowledge can be born.  How thirsty are you to discover the depths of your own soul?

Namaste!

Kristen

I Matter, Damnit!!!

During my 500 hour yoga teacher training class, I was asked to get up and teach part of class.  I was teaching to backbends.  But it's not that simple.  While teaching backbends, I needed to be adjusting students AND weave in the theme of the class.  That's where I get stuck, is in the integrating the theme as I teach and adjust.  My teacher saw I was stuggling and had me sit at the front of the room, close my eyes and teach.  I was crying right out of the gate, but why?  I've been teaching for a little more than 2 years and my students have nothing but praise for me.  As Tracy said, I'm a celebrated teacher and inspire my students, so I should have nothing to fear when it comes to teaching a room full of exquisite teachers.  But I do. 

For a while, there has been this under current of self depreciation.  I've been feeling a lot like my voice doesn't matter; that I don't matter, that I am less important than others and therefore unworthy.  Right around the time I injured my shoulder, another person made me feel like my injury was insignificant and left me to fend for myself.  This person didn't believe I was truly injured.  This wounded my spirit in a way I never expected.  I suddenly felt exiled from my kula and the voice I had discovered within myself through yoga disappeared and my walls went back up.  I felt like I didn't matter anymore and I closed myself off.

As I reflect back on this experience, I begin to realize that my difficulty with speaking to a group and opening up the conversation comes from feeling unworthy and feeling like anything I say really won't matter or worse, be criticized.  Intrinsically, I know that's completely untrue.  And in order to say something that will make a difference, I need to let my guard down so I can be myself and truly speak from my heart.  That's terrifying for me since I have been so guarded.  I know I can affect change in others by what I say and how I say it to get them to think.  However, there's a block.  And I think that comes from not knowing where my convictions lie; or rather having become so disconnected from them for far too long to the point that I'm not sure anymore.  What do I truly believe in with all my heart that I can speak to that would benefit someone else if I share it?  Or have I become so mindlessly numb that all I know how to do is operate on a superficial level?

It's going to take some work to get back to where I was spiritually in relation to myself, but it comes down to this:  We all matter!  Afterall, what is matter?  It's substance, mass, weight, tangible.  These are things we all are that no one can alter or take from us with mere words.  When we let that happen, we give away our power.  We are infinite beings with immense potential and nothing but promise lies before us.  If we let things from the past hold us back, we will never realize our potential.  We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.  Sometimes simply finding the courage to believe that and believe in ourselves is the hardest part.

Namaste!

Kristen

The Way I Choose to See It.

So many of us wander through life unaware of our potential and becoming victims of circumstance. We just let life happen to us instead of taking an active role. Or perhaps we live too much in our past, reliving old hurts and disappointments.

Whatever reason we have for NOT being joyful every second of our life is silly really. Of course, things happen that anger or disappoint us, but how we deal with that is truly up to us as individuals. We can either let our emotions take us for a freaky roller coaster ride, or we can take a moment to step back and reassess the situation from a new perspective. Maybe the moment is too intense, in which case, it's best to walk away and collect oneself and take a few breaths. Once calm has been restored, what can be learned from that moment? What wisdom can be extracted from the experience that helps to mold new perspectives going forward? What was just learned about oneself from that experience?

Many people choose to wallow in anger, disappointment, guilt, shame, etc. That's not empowering! One falls victim to their experiences and emotions when they wallow in those states of mind. If people could simply learn to step back and look at the bigger picture and learn to transform those dis-empowering feelings into something more useful, like wisdom, insight and understanding, there would be so much more happiness in their lives. A simple shift in perspective with regard to "bad" experiences helps to let things go so one can move past that experience and in doing so removes that heavy burden that gets carried around on one's proverbial shoulders.

The wisdom one gains as they come out of those experiences literally transforms them into new people. Yes, they look the same from the outside. However, inside a profound transformation has occurred that has forever changed them; so much so that they will never again be the person they were before they experienced that transformation and insight about themselves and their life.

This is a beautiful thing! I liken it to the way a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. This metaphor is certainly an overused one, but it's always fitting.

What areas of your life need to be re-looked at? What emotions do you carry around that hold you back from being the person you want to be? How can a change of perspective benefit the relationships your have in your life? What beliefs were you raised with that may now come into question about life, people, religion, money, etc.?

Contemplating these things will no doubt open up a can of worms. And using this metaphor is also fitting, since things get messy when one really takes the time to reassess everything about their life. It's always messy at first, but the empowerment brought about by clarity is well worth it.

Namaste!

Kristen

Springtime Seduction

I’m sure most people have noticed that spring has arrived a bit early this year in terms of the emergence of plants and flowers. But it’s also having affects on the terrestrial creatures. I noticed its effects on February 16^th. That’s when my spring fever hit and I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin because I had so much nervous energy and such a heightened sense of awareness that it was simply overwhelming. It’s as though the earth got the cue to start blooming and sent a shock-wave of energy out to all living things…..humans included. We are, after all, animals, highly evoloved, but just as affected by the change in the seasons as other creatures. Spring has a physiological affect on us. It’s not just in your head. Spring fever is best characterized by restlessness, loss in appetite and nervous energy. The longer daylight hours trigger a drop in melatonin to the brain, so we suddenly have more energy when spring hits. Makes perfect sense. It’s mating season!!!

I think this is a really cool occurrence. In a time where we are so reliant on gadgets to help us navigate through life, almost eliminating our need to rely on instinct, we have this natural phenomenon that happens every year that is embedded in our instincts from the dawn of man and maybe you feel its effects, maybe you don’t. The fact is, this phenomenon we call spring fever is so visceral, so primal, so intuitive….and yet there are probably people out there who have no idea why they feel so frustratingly good once the sun comes out and kisses the skin. This is such a magical time to really tune in to your body and your senses and experience life from a sensual place. Spring fever gives most people extra energy, so what do we do with that? A lot of us go use it on exercise; others perhaps use it on creative endeavors; while others expend their energy on the chase and some extra circular activities. Wink, wink.  Nudge, nudge.

On your mat, you have an opportunity to explore that sensual side as you move through asana (yoga poses) and connect with your breath. Notice your heartbeat. Is it quickened or slow and steady? Notice the parts of your body that you love and praise them. Love yourself up!!! Think of this time on your mat as a hot date with yourself. Allow yourself to be seduced by your breath, the movement of your body as you flow through poses; being completely in your senses. 

                                                                                                                                                  

For some of us, to allow ourselves to open up to our sensual side can be scary. It breaks us wide open and makes us feel vulnerable.  We are raw, real and primal in that moment and it can feel like we are losing our sense of control. However, if you allow it, it can be so liberating and so blissful; you may find yourself in tears. Let it go. Let yourself go. Liberate yourself. Move from a place of intuitive knowing. You know the poses and their alignment… now move from a place of feeling. If your breath becomes an ecstatic moan, let it be so. Be yourself on your mat; your true, ecstatic, vulnerable self. 

                                               
                                                     

                                                         

Relinquish your control and your measured responses with yourself. Why would you have measured responses with yourself anyway?? Let the boundaries you put in place with yourself fade away. When you allow those boundaries and obstacles to crumble, you connect so much deeper to everything going on within you and everything around you as well. Your practice can become an all encompassing experience if you want it to be: you connect to your breath, your body, your thoughts and emotions and to some degree, depending on how spiritual you are, your higher self.

I have been known to liken my yoga practice to the greatest sex of my life because I feel like I am making love to my soul. For me to have to back away from my asana practice when I injured myself was like being forced to break up with the love of my life. My heart broke. And yet, during my physical therapy, I have had my weak moments where I have ventured back to that love only to suffer a set back in my healing. My practice has become the lover I simply can’t stay away from.

Even now, as the weather gets warmer and days longer, I feel that familiar pull on my heartstrings; that need to indulge in my sensual self; to turn myself upside down and inside out to connect with my heart and be moved to tears as I reunite with the greatest parts of myself.

This is what I hope for all yoga students. To experience that same visceral connection, that intuitive pull to discover how amazing you are and crave to rediscover it everyday.


"For it was not into my ear that you whispered, but my heart.
It was not my lips that you kissed, but my soul".

~Judy Garland


Namaste!

Kristen

NYT Article - Genuine Concern or Smear Campaign

Okay, so my last post gave perspective on how yoga can wreck your body and what you need to do to ensure that you have a healthy practice.  Good....glad we are clear on that.

On another note, I've been seeing that NYT article from a different angle.  This may sound paranoid, but hear me out.  I hate politics, but this seems plausible.

In the past 10 years or so, the yoga community has exploded.  In the past 5 years, it's really taken off.  Think about the circumstances over the past 5 or so years.  Economic turmoil, job losses, housing market chaos and healthcare reform.  The list goes on and many people have been thrust into a state of reflection and reevaluation due to these trying times.  Perhaps they turn to yoga as a way to alleviate the stress of losing a house or a job.  Moments of loss provide us with an opportunity to reflect and reassess our life and our goals.  We start to question if we still buy into the same beliefs we have adopted over time about society, religion and politics.  The time we spend on our mat can give us clear perspective about what is truly important to us.  We start to see that we can make a difference instead of letting ourselves and our lives be controlled by outside influences.

An interesting statistic that my teacher threw out during teacher training is that the vast majority of people who practice yoga are Caucasian with a college degree or higher and tend to fall into the category of "middle to upper-middle class", which is where most families rank in the U.S.  That's where the politicians need to get their votes from. However, if all these middle class families are now practicing yoga, they are more aware of what's happening in the world.  They begin contemplating what they value and the quality of life they would like to have for themselves and their families, instead of following the rest of the herd and voting for the candidate with the best presence at the podium or the candidate who will make history.  A very informed decision will be made about who will run the country next.  This is bad news for certain political parties if their priorities don't align with the rest of the country that truly wants change and will make a stand to get it.  Look back at Occupy Wall Street and all the other movements that took place to show that change is needed and sought after.

So was the NYT article published as simply an informative piece expressing genuine concern for the welfare of others?  Or was it published as a political smack and smear campaign against yoga in an attempt to regain control over society in a presidential election year?  We may never know for sure, but an article such as that preys on the narrow minded and fearful and when a headline like "How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body." is the first thing people see, they assume they don't need to read the whole article......all they see is "yoga can wreck your body."......and that is enough to keep them out of a yoga class.

Those in the know, know that yoga is more positive than negative.  It is reshaping our society and our culture for the better and politicians fear that people will really start to question them and hold them to their promises instead of simply voting for the guy who says he'll change things, but never does.  Society wants tangible results now, but the politicians want the people to be the sheep that will simply follow along mindlessly and be taken advantage of.  Enough!  We are yogins, and we have minds of our own and voices that will be heard and will make a difference.

Be the change you want see in the world.

Namaste!

Kristen

You can get hurt doing yoga???? Really???

According to the New York Times, yoga can wreck your body.  Honestly, I'm appalled that the NY Times would publish such an article.  Granted it was balanced enough in its view on the subject, but for anyone who was on the fence and contemplating taking yoga in the new year; just the title of the article alone will scare them away.

Given the negative press yoga received, I have made it my mission this week to speak to my students about the article in case any of them read it and to provide a realistic perspective on the issue.  Yes, you can can hurt yourself doing yoga.  The article cited extreme instances where people have gotten injured and perhaps done themselves permanent harm.  These cases were ones where students of yoga were either being poorly advised by under trained teachers or trying to advance their practice on their own without the guidance of a decent teacher.  It's no surprise that these people have "wrecked" their bodies.  Let's use common sense people and listen to our bodies which actually communicate with us better than most people.  Many of the big corporate run gyms only require that yoga instructors be AFAA certified.  An AFAA certification is an online course with a one day workshop!!  It's a joke.  It's not enough training to ensure that students are practicing as safely as possible.   If you are going to take a yoga class or work to advance your practice, please make sure your teacher is at least 200hr. certified.....500hr. certified is even better.

Another problem that most people face is their ego.  The ego is a double edged sword.  It's wonderful in survival situations where it is imperative to succeed, but when faced with challenges of executing impossible asana that our bodies may not be ready for, the ego can talk us into pushing ourselves further than we should.  We end up competing with ourselves and the other yogis around us who's practice may be more advanced.  That's how injuries happen.  One of my students said most injuries follow seven words....,"Hey, I'm getting really good at this."

Now, I'm not saying don't strive to advance your practice, but one must be mindful of when the ego is driving the car and if it's heading for a cliff.  Yoga is such a healing practice.....and if all you are seeking are the healing benefits of yoga, there is no need to make it advanced.  Gentle yoga, basics classes or any myriad of the gentler forms of Hatha yoga are are all good options for healing the body.  But if advancing your practice is something you are interested in, you must consult a knowledgeable teacher and work with them to ensure a safe advancement in your practice.  It's just common sense.

Thank you for reading.

May joy coarse through your veins as you explore and experience a deeper sense of yourself through your practice.

Namaste!

Kristen

Don't Try So Hard.

As I reflect upon my yoga practice over the past year, one piece of advice, given to me by one of my yoga teachers, has made all the difference in how I approach my life. Four simple words, "Don't try so hard."

This phrase, said to me while I was stretching forward with all my might in either Pigeon pose or Agnistambhasana, was initially grating and I took exception to her words. I felt as though she was criticizing me on a very personal level.

"What was she trying to say to me? Don't try so hard? Bah! Who is she to judge me?", I fumed through the rest of class and left feeling like some shameful secret had been exposed for everyone to see.

The fact was, everyone could see this about me, but I hadn't seen it until that moment. It was so painfully true. I often try so hard, especially when I get really excited about new developments in my life. Let's call it being overly eager. It could be friends, work, school, hobbies or any myriad of things. The fact of the matter is that you could take any aspect of my life, insert, 'don't try so hard.' and it will most likely pertain to that aspect.

It is the curse of the overly-eager perfectionist. I don't cut myself a lot of slack and I expect to see my desires to manifest quickly and when they don't, I will push and try to force them into existence. That approach is like a child throwing a temper tantrum in order to get their way, and we all know how that plays out. In this case, the Universe is the loving parent that won't put up with any shit. So when I try to force my desires to manifest, the Universe takes from me the very thing I want.When I look back on my life, there are several instances where my eagerness came back to bite me. In trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother, I wound up in a depression. When I tried so hard to be friends with another mom, she brushed me off before we could ever get our kids together. When I tried so hard to advance my yoga practice (whether I was ready or not), I got injured. When I tried so hard to market my jewelry, I was politely declined.The most recent thing to happen came when I tweaked my shoulder during a yoga class and I went to my teacher for help. Only problem is that I always go to this teacher for help when I have pain or discomfort associated with my yoga practice. I hold him in very high regard in terms of his knowledge of such things. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm still learning and eager to tap into my teacher's knowledge. This time, however, he insisted that I try to figure out the issue on my own using the knowledge and tools I gained from teacher training to try to correct my shoulder, but to come to him if my attempts were unsuccessful. During our conversation, he mentioned that when I "bombard" him with my issues at every turn, he tends to want to pull away and retract from me instead of help me. Ding, ding, ding......that would be the Universe calling and my teacher's words suddenly echo in my head again, "Don't try so hard."

It takes a concerted effort on my part to stay mindful of how eager I become in new and exciting situations. Oftentimes, I will misread a situation or miss subtle cues from others that in hindsight were perfectly clear, but by then it's simply too late. It's okay to be excited, of course, but I need to stay aware of whether or not I'm trying to force something to come into being. My jewelry may have been politely declined by those I was trying to sell to, but then I wore one of my bracelets to a yoga class and got four orders. I wasn't trying. I simply made something I loved, wore it, and many others loved it, too.
I'm finding more and more, that if there is something I hope to gain, I put it to the Universe nicely, "It would be really nice if__________.", and then I let it go. I won't give it another thought and if it happens, it happens; if not, it's simply not the right time. My trying to force things into being is simply my lack of faith that the Universe will provide for me what I truly need and desire. With faith, doors begin to swing wide open and opportunities present themselves effortlessly! Just because I can't see my desires manifesting, doesn't mean that they aren't and it requires not only faith, but also patience on my part to allow the Universe to work it's magic. Adrsta phala is the sanskrit word for unseen fruit and the same way I can't force a tomato or a flower to grow, I also can't force the natural evolution of my desires into fruition.

To your continued growth and well being.

Namaste!

Kristen

Unseen Fruit

As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, the signs of spring begin to show themselves. The crocus bloom, the tulips start to emerge, the hyacinth surface from the earth and the robins return to hopping across the grass looking for worms. Ah Spring! There is almost an audible stirring happening just below the surface. Everything is beginning to show promise and possibility.

Adrsta-phala (adreeshta-pala) is the Sanskrit word for "unseen fruit". When we plant our gardens, we open the packets of seeds, put them in the ground and never once second guess whether or not we will get tomatoes or peas. We take it on faith that the seeds we plant will produce the desired results. We believe in the unseen fruit.

Our life is like a garden and it works much the same way, but most of the time, we aren't conscious of the seeds we are planting. In fact, many of us plant seeds that produce poisonous fruit and let the weeds and pests take over the garden. We need to have awareness regarding the thoughts we think, the words we say and the actions we take. These are the seeds that we ultimately plant. This makes the difference between having a healthy, thriving garden or a weed bed with pests and poor soil. Which one do you want?

The greatest people in history who accomplished amazing things never once doubted that they would make their dreams come to fruition; nor did they have any idea how they would possibly get to their desired result. They believed in the unseen fruit. They had faith in their dreams and desires and did a little every day in the direction of their dreams. Through trial and error, learning the whole way, their dreams manifested. The Wright Brothers, Henry Ford, Einstein.....all amazing minds and they had big dreams that came into being through faith in the adrsta-phala.

Consider your garden for a moment. What does it look like in your mind's eye. Is it stirring with promise and possibility or is it an overgrown, unhealthy, weedy, pest infested mess? Here on the cusp of spring, consider what you want to grow in your garden and how you will tend to it. You can even practice this in an actual garden and make it something of a ritual to help you see the connection between you and your desires and how to properly nurture growth. Visualize and get clear about what you want; plant the seed of possibility with your intention. Tend to that desire with baby steps in that direction. Weed out doubt and distraction; which can be just as toxic as as planting bad seeds. Just like a real garden, you will begin to see the fruits of your efforts, but you must have consistent faith that the seeds you plant will bring you what you truly desire to have in this life. Just because you can not see it, does not mean it doesn't exist or won't exist.

To your continued growth....

Namaste!

Kristen

Swerving Into Oncoming Traffic

I've taken my asana practice from a vigorous vinyasa and sloppy alignment back to a basic level with more mindful movement. My ego still taunts me as I put myself in the hands of my teachers, admitting I need help with what I thought was a beautiful and mindful practice. Surrendering now to teachers who have watched my progress over the past year, possibly cringing, and now showing me where I've gone wrong as I work to correct my practice.

Was I that cocky to think that my asana practice was so strong that it didn't need correcting? Have I really become so wrapped up in asana that I've forgotten the core values of yoga? That all that matters is how bendy I can get or how strong I can be to hold an arm balance? I'm no better than the typical gym rat who simply obsesses about MORE. I rarely take the time to read about the core tenets of yoga and how to best incorporate them into my life.

I want to be a good example to my students and my injury to my back has given me pause. I am so far away from where I was during teacher training. When I decided I wanted to be a yoga teacher, I did so because I wanted to help others work out their own lives through the practice of yoga. Only problem is that I haven't been practicing yoga.......I've only been practicing asana.

In the day-to-day hustle of getting kids off to school and me off to class either to practice or teach and then run errands if I have time, I have forgotten to look around or even notice my own thoughts and actions. It's just go, go, go and don't dare stop until everyone is happy.

I've been so busy that I barely noticed that I've disconnected from myself. My soul. The part of me that I came to know and love so fiercely over the course of teacher training and have now lost sight of. That was my yoga. That changed how I moved through the course of my day and treated people I came in contact with. I felt connected to myself and the world around me in the best way. Now I simply move through the motions, not thinking mindfully enough about the impact my words or actions may have and possibly hurting myself or others by being careless. It's kind of like accidentally swerving into oncoming traffic. You need to pay attention to the road.

And so it's a metaphor for my practice. I move on my mat the way I move through life.....thinking I'm doing everything right, but not really paying attention until the proof is in my face that what I was doing was wrong. Admitting to being wrong is where my ego steps in. As a perfectionist, being wrong is just a tough pill to swallow. So I reluctantly surrender, cry a bit and then ask for help and cry some more as I ask for that help. My ego making me feel ashamed as if to say, "Nice job. Fine mess you have made of yourself.", glaring down at me in disappointment. And then it laughs at me while I cry.

I know it's all in my head.....and it's twisted and cruel what my own thoughts will do to me. But this is what I get for disconnecting from my soul by not being more mindful. As I learn to reconnect and get back to that place of peace I found within myself, the cruel voice of my ego will soften and be more nurturing as it was during teacher training. I need to learn to be friends with myself again instead of being the overly demanding boss that expects nothing less than perfect.

With an abundance of love and gratitude.

Namaste!

Kristen

The Microscope

I have a hard time understanding why people leave a yoga class before its over. Last Monday night, I had a huge class; 66 people. Some were new to yoga and for some reason, I incorporated poses into my sequence that were obviously a bit too challenging for the new comers. So midway through class, about 4-5 people got up and left. It didn't make me feel very good, but it got me thinking.


I can't make anyone stay to finish my class, but I will do what I can to encourage them not to leave. Consider if you will; a job interview or performance review. Would you leave in the middle of it simply because you're uncomfortable with criticism? I would imagine not, but nonetheless, it still makes you feel uneasy when you feel like you are being put under a microscope. So why leave when a yoga class is a bit challenging? Is it because the inner critic is telling you that you can't hack it or that you're weak? Neither of which is true. If you are new to yoga, you need to give yourself a chance and not retreat at the first sign of a challenge. Instead, learn to modify. Go at your own pace and know that it's not a command performance. I'm not giving out prizes to those who had the most beautiful practice during class.




Learning yoga can be a lot like answering a question. When you don't know the answer to a question, do you answer it anyway pretending to know something you don't.....or do you tell the person you aren't sure and will get back to them? By saying, "I don't know." in a yoga pose is the equivalent of coming into Child's Pose or taking a moment to look around the room and figure out what the pose should look like.......and finding the answer for yourself.




Being new to something doesn't make you weak or stupid or any of the terrible things we say to ourselves, it just means you need to learn a new skill. Suspend your judgement for a while and stay open to possibility. There is so much you can learn about yourself if you just take the time to explore what is within you. But if you leave; throw in the towel and give up before you've even started, then you may never uncover the parts of yourself that are truly amazing and waiting just below the surface to show themselves to you.


The time we spend on our yoga mats is a simulation of our life and how we move through it. Leaving when things get uncomfortable or too challenging says one thing. Staying and learning how to move through the poses and modifying when necessary says another. What do you want your yoga practice to say about you?


With an abundance of love and gratitude!


Namaste!


Kristen

When all else fails....

Despite the discomfort in my back, I practiced yoga yesterday morning at the beloved Saraswati's Yoga Joint. I've been feeling so disconnected from my kula and I was dying to get back on my mat and just move my body. I made a promise with myself before class began that I would modify heavily to accommodate my back. Normally I would've intercepted Donna before class just to give her a heads up, but class got going a few minutes late, so I opted to just keep my promise to myself and not worry about it.

I moved well through most of class, albeit much slower than I normally do. I needed to be mindful of every movement and every muscle engagement to ensure I was practicing as safely as possible. I wasn't concerned with keeping up with everyone else.......I just wanted to practice moving consciously. I made sure to scoop my tailbone in every Cobra and engage my core continually through class since I have recently discovered actually diminishes the pain in my back quite significantly. However, the extent to which I must engage my core is hard to maintain over very long periods of time, so I move through waves of pain and comfort throughout the day.

Class was going well until we moved into back bends. Dhanurasana and Salabhasana are not terrible on my back, but when Donna called out Ustrasana, I went straight into Child's Pose. My ego again taunting me and I fought back tears of frustration. It's hard for me to accept that I can't do a pose when I've worked so hard to bring my practice to where it is. As a perfectionist, I want to be able to do do everything well and when I'm forced to take 10 steps backward; even if it is for the best, I feel a kind of shame.....like I have been forced to give up when I never wanted to quit.

As class moved on, we came to Bridge Pose and Urdvha Dhanurasana. I figured I would be okay in Bridge Pose the whole time. I used a block between my thighs and made sure my ankles squeezed towards each other, I made sure my knees reached in one direction as my chest reached in the other. I made sure not to squeeze my glutes and even used my hands to support my low back. I engaged my abs, but to no happy endings. When we were done and came into Supta Padangustasana, I closed my eyes. My back stung and tears streamed from the corners of my eyes onto my mat. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do to create a comfortable Bridge Pose and got a world of hurt instead. When you do everything in your power to try and make it better for yourself in the pose and nothing works, what then? No Bridge Pose for a while as well? Back bends are supposed to be the most therapeutic poses in yoga when done correctly. So what now?

I had plans to take Mitchel's class Tuesday night since he knows of my back issues and can offer adjustments during class that may bring relief to my back. After yesterday's class, I have offered to help assist Mitchel with adjustments during his class instead of potentially putting myself in another painful situation.

I have tried to correct my poses in an effort to alleviate my pain. Acupuncture may be next or a private session with Mitchel. My asana practice doesn't feel like a wise option right now, so when all else fails......teach. The silver lining on this whole issue is that I'm learning (the hard way) what I need to tell my students to do in their practice to avoid injury and back pain. In the end it just makes me a much better teacher and one my students will trust.

With an abundance of love and gratitude.

Namaste!

Kristen

Backing Down

I am one of those people who rarely backs down from a challenge. If you tell me I can't do something, I will do everything in my power to prove you wrong. That's clearly my ego getting the best of me and me giving in to it.

In terms of my asana practice, this presents a problem. In all my striving to advance my practice, I will sometimes ignore the pain or discomfort in my body simply to prove to myself that I can do a certain pose. I will rationalize that what I feel is merely sore muscles from the practice the day before and that what I feel is just part of the process of teaching my body more advanced asana. What has to happen before I will honor the truth of what my body is telling me or must I learn the hard way and put myself in a situation where a certain pose will literally "break the yogi's back"?

Ever since I learned how to properly go into back bends, I am periodically plagued with pain in my lower back that clearly suggests I'm not doing my back bends correctly. How can this be? I teach back bends to my students and yet, I myself can't do one consistently without hurting myself? Now, this isn't always the case. Sometimes I go into a back bend with all the planets aligned and suffer no ill repercussions.....in fact, I end up wanting to do more, but more often than not, my back will pinch, ache and spasm following my attempts.

So here I am, sitting on my mat, fighting it out with my ego, trying not to let it get the best of me. The teacher says to the class as we are about to come into Ustrasana, "Please listen to your body before you listen to my voice."

The words offered comfort and a way out and I knew it was okay to back down from my self-created challenge of going into a pose that I knew would sting my back and most certainly make me cry. With frustration boiling in my blood and tears beginning to well up in my eyes, I surrender to Child's Pose, my mind creating the illusion of defeat.

What have I learned? No amount of ego tripping is worth hurting myself or taking a situation from bad to worse. My body knows what it needs and I have to learn to honor that and take better care of myself so my body can take better care of me. Just because I am unable to come into a pose over the course of several classes does not mean that I am broken and will never be able to perform back bends ever again. This is a bump in the road on my journey through my yoga practice. It serves as a reminder to recognize when I am allowing my ego to push my buttons to the point of ignoring the needs of my body for the sake of feeling victorious in my practice.

After all, if you don't listen to the signals your body is giving, you are more or less beating yourself up. In the end, the body will take you out when it's had enough. What does that say about how you feel about yourself if you are continually beating yourself up to satisfy your ego? Yoga is about connection and honoring the connections between yourself and all living and non-living things. When you ignore the connections closest to you, you need to ask why. What is going on in your life that pushes you to beat yourself up and act out in ways contrary to the values at the core of yoga? We want to move and act from a place of love and joy, and when we aren't feeling those things; it shows in our practice on and off our mats. We become competitive with ourselves and those around us. Perhaps we or others have expectations of us that we aren't living up to and then we "punish" ourselves on our mat trying to at least live up to our own expectations in our asana practice. After all, its just yoga.....isn't it?

Be gentle, forgiving and patient with yourself. We have perfection residing within each of us, but that doesn't mean we are infallible or indestructible.

By backing down and not giving into the ego, you are sending a clear and loving message to yourself that shows you love yourself enough to modify to your abilities, that you honor your body and in the act of honoring yourself, are truly practicing yoga.

With an abundance of love and gratitude!

Namaste!

Kristen

Fire Ceremony

This past Tuesday, January 4th and the night of the New Moon, a fire ceremony was held at the yoga studio where I practice. The evening was filled with music, meditation and spiritual cleansing in order to begin 2011 fresh and to ask the universe for its help in bringing to us that which we most desire.

In the process, we were also asked to throw into the fire anything that no longer serves us. I certainly threw a few things away that I no longer needed. My wish for the new year that I sent out to the universe is to be a constant source of inspiration to my students in an effort to help them along their path through yoga. I became a teacher in effort to transform lives and the way many view the world that we live in. I find I have days where the words simply aren't there to inspire my students. I asked that the Goddess Saraswati (Hindu Goddess of art, music and speech) speak through me so I could reach my students on a deeper level.

In the few days following, strange things have begun to happen. Normally, I am so consumed by my own agenda and what I want to get done during the day that other things get left to chance, like dinner, house work, the needs of my family. Lately out of nowhere, I find myself motivated to get things done......not for my sake, but for that of my family. I know it sounds horrible that I don't normally consider my family throughout the course of my day, but sadly house work, dinner, laundry etc. are afterthoughts that I'd rather not deal with; another chore on my long list of things to do. It's like a reconnection is taking place between me and my family despite the fact that I have a very busy schedule. It feels great and I'm seeing the yoga in what I'm doing.

After all, yoga is about connections and how we relate to each other. It's so easy to get caught up in our busy lives and put on hold those who need our attention the most. It's as though Saraswati heard my request and is helping me to gain proper perspective on the yoga of life and relationships so I can talk about it from first hand experience. She is helping me to see the interconnections of my life and how they all come together to influence each other.

The latest task I took on of my own volition that I normally wouldn't do is shoveling snow off the driveway when it snowed yesterday. I usually leave that for my husband to do, but I felt compelled to do it for him because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving it until he came home from a busy day at work. I wanted to simply take that task off his list and that's exactly what I did. He was so appreciative of it too.

A connection between spouses is a crucial one to foster and maintain. Sadly, my busy life has caused me to almost ignore this relationship and has created what feels like a canyon of distance between my husband and myself. My request to Saraswati for her guidance and inspiration has begun to narrow the divide and make me grateful for the love and support I have in my life on a daily basis no matter how busy my day gets. Now I just need to return the favor.

With an abundance of love and gratitude!

Thank you for reading.

Namaste!

Kristen

The Upside of Loss

In thinking about change, I consider those life changing events that happen where we lose something. Whether it's a job, a marriage, a house or the passing of a dear friend or family member, these events prompt us to question our lives and how we live them. It's those questions we ask of ourselves that open doors for change and growth.

When we become insightful in this way, it helps to sure up the foundations of who we are so we don't fall apart amidst the loss. The self discoveries we make during these hard times become the cement of our beings, reinforcing what is already in place, allowing us to build upon past experiences and helping us to be stronger going forward as we ascend as wiser and more divine beings.

All loss brings with it a fresh start and an opportunity to grow to be and do more with the life we've been given.

With an abundance of peace and love!

Namaste!

Kristen