A Contagious Energy

I cried on my yoga mat this morning. The passage the teacher read during Savasana struck a chord within me so powerful I couldn't resist the urge to just tear up. It spoke to my heart. One phrase in particular summed it up, "An idiot's joy." Wave after wave of gratitude just swept over me as the past three months flashed through my mind. My own transformation is so undeniably obvious and profound. I truly love who I am for the first time in my life and I feel completely unapologetic for parts of my personality, who I am and what I want out of this life that others may not agree with. It's who I truly am........take it or leave it.

But with this transformation comes an internal conflict which has me feeling anxious. I have spent the past three months surrounding myself with positive people who support each other. I have sought out opportunities to be consumed by their sense of community and radiant energy. They are all of like mind, open to possibilities, healthy and happy.....or so it seems. Regardless, they all carry with them an energy that gives off all these wonderful feelings of well being. I have immersed myself in that and in doing so have created my own energy which radiates out to others. It has drawn more people to me of like mind, body and spirit. I truly embrace that and welcome it. I'm so grateful to be surrounded by more people who share my energy and see yoga as an opportunity to grow as a person. I've grown so much within myself in such a short period of time, but there are those in my life who seem to have stopped growing or are just slow to catch up with me, and as such, our energies have a hard time matching up.

How do I reconcile this situation? Do I completely shut out those who carry a negative vibe? What if they are family; what then? How can I continue to grow and expand mentally and spiritually when I come face to face with guilt, cynicism and sarcasm from those who are closest to me, who know what I'm trying to do, see the benefits its had in my life, but still see it as a self-centered act with no consideration for my own family? I finally found myself on my yoga mat, I've finally found a peace within myself when I'm moving with my breath. It calms me when nothing else can. I feel like I'm being expected to return to the way things were as soon as I receive my YTT Certification. As if to say that the time I've had for myself, to discover myself has to end in order to get back to the business of being a wife and mother. What seems to fall by the wayside is that life is a journey, not a destination. Regardless of when my training ends, my journey and my growth continues and I will fight to have that acknowledged and respected.

I find myself seeking out those with energy like mine. My fellow trainees, my teachers, my students. Wanting to retreat to the comfort of their company when confronted with a negative energy. I've developed a longing for the vibrant energy I've allowed to consume me and take center stage in my mind and my heart, but at the same time, I'm confronted with guilt that I'm not doing enough to sustain the well being of those closest to me; those who demand the most of my time. I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds as I grapple with passion vs. obligation.

Through it all however, I'm still happier than I've ever been. Life comes with challenges. I can't have the AWESOME without the NOT SO AWESOME. In the end it becomes a balancing act in figuring out how to be joyful while still being surrounded by those who would prefer to kill my joy. It becomes a practice in patience, hoping others will eventually feel inspired and want to change their life and how they approach it. And if they don't, learning to accept it. It's a willingness to open my heart to feel love in every situation, making myself a beacon to others who are trying to find their way.

As the last weekend of teacher training approaches, my heart is sad. I will miss my fellow trainees, but I know that even though we may not see each other as often, if at all following graduation, we are all connected by that same radiant energy that flows through our hearts. That same energy that brought us all together has bound us forever.

With love, gratitude and devotion,

Namaste!

Kristen

Making Love To My Soul

I step from the shower and my husband says, "Why are you showering before yoga? You are just going to get all sweaty anyway."

At first, I showered out of consideration for my fellow yogis. There's nothing worse than practicing yoga in close quarters when your neighbor stinks like the bar from the night before.

As I've gone through my teacher training I've developed a new relationship with myself. I've gone from being entirely too hard on myself to being more accepting, loving and patient. My body has transformed from a borderline, not very strong 135lb. athletic build to a 127lb. yoga build that can do Chaturanga push-ups like nobody's business.....and enjoys it. So much has changed within me in a few short months. I'm a new person after all that's happened. I'm stronger, more focused, I'm more in touch with my breath and I'm all around more happy.

I've discovered that I am capable of so much more than I thought I was. I've opened up to the possibilities within myself and recognized the truth of who I really am. It's this recognition that changed my reason for showering before yoga.

In the beginning of teacher training, going to the 3 required weekly classes was a chore. My body felt beat up. I was frustrated with my practice because I had to start all over again and re-learn what I thought I knew. I spent the first month and a half loathing yoga. Some days I wouldn't bother showering before class. I came close to throwing in the towel and walking away. And then, one day, I woke up and felt good in my body.

It was at that point that I realized that all the pain I was feeling was just my body transforming and using muscles that I didn't know it had. I had finally emerged from my chrysalis and from then on, I learned to love myself more after all my body and mind had been through. I realized I had more inner strength, resilience and perseverance than I had previously believed. I had a new relationship with myself. I came in contact with my soul through it all.

Now every time I prepare for class, I shower, I shave, I brush my teeth and use mouthwash. And it's no longer just for my fellow yogi neighbors that are mere inches away. I see my time on my mat as a date with myself.....a date with my soul. And as I move through my practice, the heat builds, the pace quickens and the sweat pours off of me like never before.....and I love every moment of it! I'm making love to my soul when I come onto my mat.

Now I do my best to practice yoga as much as possible; some days I will practice twice in one day. I get giddy with excitement to practice alongside my fellow yogis. The room pulses with breath, energy and strength. I sometimes wonder if we are all practicing for the same reason. The energy in the room feels like we are.

Until next time......

May joy course through your veins as you experience a deeper sense of yourself through your practice.

Namaste!

Kristen