Swerving Into Oncoming Traffic

I've taken my asana practice from a vigorous vinyasa and sloppy alignment back to a basic level with more mindful movement. My ego still taunts me as I put myself in the hands of my teachers, admitting I need help with what I thought was a beautiful and mindful practice. Surrendering now to teachers who have watched my progress over the past year, possibly cringing, and now showing me where I've gone wrong as I work to correct my practice.

Was I that cocky to think that my asana practice was so strong that it didn't need correcting? Have I really become so wrapped up in asana that I've forgotten the core values of yoga? That all that matters is how bendy I can get or how strong I can be to hold an arm balance? I'm no better than the typical gym rat who simply obsesses about MORE. I rarely take the time to read about the core tenets of yoga and how to best incorporate them into my life.

I want to be a good example to my students and my injury to my back has given me pause. I am so far away from where I was during teacher training. When I decided I wanted to be a yoga teacher, I did so because I wanted to help others work out their own lives through the practice of yoga. Only problem is that I haven't been practicing yoga.......I've only been practicing asana.

In the day-to-day hustle of getting kids off to school and me off to class either to practice or teach and then run errands if I have time, I have forgotten to look around or even notice my own thoughts and actions. It's just go, go, go and don't dare stop until everyone is happy.

I've been so busy that I barely noticed that I've disconnected from myself. My soul. The part of me that I came to know and love so fiercely over the course of teacher training and have now lost sight of. That was my yoga. That changed how I moved through the course of my day and treated people I came in contact with. I felt connected to myself and the world around me in the best way. Now I simply move through the motions, not thinking mindfully enough about the impact my words or actions may have and possibly hurting myself or others by being careless. It's kind of like accidentally swerving into oncoming traffic. You need to pay attention to the road.

And so it's a metaphor for my practice. I move on my mat the way I move through life.....thinking I'm doing everything right, but not really paying attention until the proof is in my face that what I was doing was wrong. Admitting to being wrong is where my ego steps in. As a perfectionist, being wrong is just a tough pill to swallow. So I reluctantly surrender, cry a bit and then ask for help and cry some more as I ask for that help. My ego making me feel ashamed as if to say, "Nice job. Fine mess you have made of yourself.", glaring down at me in disappointment. And then it laughs at me while I cry.

I know it's all in my head.....and it's twisted and cruel what my own thoughts will do to me. But this is what I get for disconnecting from my soul by not being more mindful. As I learn to reconnect and get back to that place of peace I found within myself, the cruel voice of my ego will soften and be more nurturing as it was during teacher training. I need to learn to be friends with myself again instead of being the overly demanding boss that expects nothing less than perfect.

With an abundance of love and gratitude.

Namaste!

Kristen