Who am I to be fabulous?...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  ~Marianne Williamson

I love this quote.  It speaks to the insecurity that manifests itself within us all at some point in our lives and dares us to consider otherwise.

I have been participating in the Chopra Center 21-Day Meditation Challenge on Miraculous Relationships and today was Day 5 - Miraculous Esteem.  What struck me immediately as Deepak was centering was how easily I could see the connection to my own life.  As we began the meditation, I started to cry tears of painful recognition that so often I feel incredibly unworthy of the blessings I have in my own life.  

I second guess myself all the time.  Am I worthy of being a wife to this wonderful man?  Am I really deserving of being a mom and, furthermore, am I doing a good enough job?  Do my friends really like me for who I am or are they just putting up with me out of pity? 

All ridiculous questions of self-worth that I quickly dismiss when I have them knowing the years of self-discovery it's taken to get to where I am, leading to the knowledge of how fucking awesome I am!!   

Still, more often than not, I still get niggled by doubts around the fact that I am a yoga teacher; a role I take very seriously and am very passionate about.  I love my work.  Couldn't ask for a better job.  I get to hang out with like-minded individuals mostly committed to personal growth and exploration and I get excited when I think about how much more there is to discover about myself.

"It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

I get tripped up by my insecurities around teaching because my feelings of self-worth tell me I have no right to stand up in front of a group of people and claim to know anything about navigating the different terrains of life.  What do I know???  I stop myself short all the time, thinking I'm going to offend someone with my point of view.  And yet, I know from everything I've been through in my life, that I am well qualified to speak to a multitude of human conditions and have first hand knowledge of what's it's like to be in those situations.  

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

Only very recently, I've begun to find that space within me that has the courage to speak to what is on my mind with passion in my voice.  I almost don't recognize my voice as my own and yet it feels so liberating to be breaking free from the constraints that hold me back so often.  I've found the key is to really understand myself in relation to what I'm discussing with others.  I have to have that connection with myself in order to help others connect to it as well. When I find that conviction, the energy and passion comes through in my voice and I sense that I'm truly connecting with my students and they are connecting with me.

"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you."

As a society, I feel we have lost our voices and have become disempowered.  We shy away from speaking our mind because we don't want to hurt others, create conflict or make people feel uncomfortable.  We were taught at an early age, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  "In a public venue, steer clear of religion and politics."  Or somewhere along the way, we got the idea in our heads that saying "I love you." is only meant for couples.  I can't tell you how many people I say "I love you" to on a daily basis and it feels so good to express that when I genuinely feel it.  It's not just my husband and my kids, but my friends and fellow teachers. Most of the time it's reciprocated, other times it's not, but that doesn't matter, it's the fact that those words get out there so the other person knows they are loved.

If there is one thing I hope this blog post leaves you with is the courage to find your voice and learn to speak from a place of absolute truth within you and don't be afraid of your voice.   Sometimes it's the only thing we have that can make a difference.  When we speak our truth, we speak from a place of love and inner knowing and there is no space to question your self-worth at that point, because you just KNOW.

Namaste!

Kristen

Ego vs. Soul

"Been thinking a lot lately about the role the ego plays in one's life and how it manifests itself in the practice of yoga. When we aren't aware of ourselves and our actions, we proceed through life like a bull in a china shop; knocking over and breaking things; starting fires where we never meant to and then blaming the other person for what broke or burned. The Ego keeps us from being accountable for our words and our actions. Wake up and see the role you play in this tapestry of life. You are not separate from me and there is nothing you do that doesn't effect another person or thing in this universe. Be accountable!"

~ Kristen Luther


I've had the opportunity recently to really reflect on the Ego vs. Soul or True Self.  As an outsider looking in on my friends and students who are newer to yoga, I am reminded of my own journey and how I began.

My first yoga class was taken on a lunch break at New York Sports Club and being that I am naturally limber with something of a dancer's body, I was more concerned with how I was dressed for class than I was about form or function of my own body during class.  At 27 years old at the time, I was all about the outward appearance of things and had NO idea that less than 10 years later, yoga would become my life and my passion.....a true expression of who I am on the inside.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my first trip up to Kripalu to assist a friend with a weekend workshop resulted in my realization of how little I really knew about yoga.  I had the outward appearance down pat.  I had just begun teaching in a gym setting with my AFAA certification newly acquired.  I was reading Yoga Journal and buying all the gear that helped my feel more like a yogini.  I felt awesome and like I was getting somewhere....until I was surrounded by so many others who had been practicing yoga much longer than I had and seemed so comfortable with themselves that I felt like a total fraud; a fish out of water.  I was humbled.  I was so uncomfortable that I ended up leaving early and retreating back to my family.  Only thing is, you can't go back to having your head in the sand after a realization like that.....the kind that wakes you up and you suddenly see your place.

I realized just how uncomfortable I was in my own skin and it was due to the fact that everything that mattered to me was external.  All I cared about was accomplishing the next challenging pose and bragging that I had the strength to pull it off or pretending that I was spiritual when I had no idea yet what I was talking about or if I even believed it.   None of the internal, reflective process had taken place yet in my yoga practice and until that happened, my practice would never be anything more than what you see on the pages of a Yoga Journal magazine; a superficial act, all for show, and a life with no depth.

It wasn't until I went through my 200hr teacher training that I was broken wide open and so many realizations came to the fore.  I began to see the role I played in various places I'd been in my life, from work to family to friends and realized that I had a terrible habit of placing blame on everyone else instead of taking responsibility for my own actions.  I saw sides of myself I never wanted to acknowledge; hurtful words spoken without thought, judgements and assumptions made out of ignorance, things I look back on now and cringe, but have since made peace with, and have weeded through the aspects of my life and myself that no longer serve me.  What emerged from the fiery depths of my own inner-turmoil is a wild-at-heart, fun loving, compassionate human being who just wants to bring the experience of yoga to as many people as possible so they too can reach within themselves and discover that great being that walks within them.

The challenge is recognizing how much you don't yet know and being okay with that and maybe commit to learning.   The ego, however, doesn't like to concede ignorance or be called wrong, so half-baked theories and excuses may surface to placate the ego until actual facts are attained.  To say, "I need to look into that and get back to you."is a perfectly acceptable answer to a question you don't yet have the answer for.  To pretend to know something you don't only hurts everyone involved...like a bull in a china shop.  When we speak and live from a place of absolute truth, the ego falls away and we live a life of freedom and expansion instead of one fear and contraction.

"A fool will think he is wise, while a wise man will admit he is a fool." ~ William Shakespeare

So where are you in your practice?  Can you admit to not having all the answers?  It takes courage to stand up to the ego and allow yourself to be humbled by the truth of your own ignorance.  And yet, in realizing how much there is to learn, the doors of possibility swing wide open and new thirst for knowledge can be born.  How thirsty are you to discover the depths of your own soul?

Namaste!

Kristen

I Matter, Damnit!!!

During my 500 hour yoga teacher training class, I was asked to get up and teach part of class.  I was teaching to backbends.  But it's not that simple.  While teaching backbends, I needed to be adjusting students AND weave in the theme of the class.  That's where I get stuck, is in the integrating the theme as I teach and adjust.  My teacher saw I was stuggling and had me sit at the front of the room, close my eyes and teach.  I was crying right out of the gate, but why?  I've been teaching for a little more than 2 years and my students have nothing but praise for me.  As Tracy said, I'm a celebrated teacher and inspire my students, so I should have nothing to fear when it comes to teaching a room full of exquisite teachers.  But I do. 

For a while, there has been this under current of self depreciation.  I've been feeling a lot like my voice doesn't matter; that I don't matter, that I am less important than others and therefore unworthy.  Right around the time I injured my shoulder, another person made me feel like my injury was insignificant and left me to fend for myself.  This person didn't believe I was truly injured.  This wounded my spirit in a way I never expected.  I suddenly felt exiled from my kula and the voice I had discovered within myself through yoga disappeared and my walls went back up.  I felt like I didn't matter anymore and I closed myself off.

As I reflect back on this experience, I begin to realize that my difficulty with speaking to a group and opening up the conversation comes from feeling unworthy and feeling like anything I say really won't matter or worse, be criticized.  Intrinsically, I know that's completely untrue.  And in order to say something that will make a difference, I need to let my guard down so I can be myself and truly speak from my heart.  That's terrifying for me since I have been so guarded.  I know I can affect change in others by what I say and how I say it to get them to think.  However, there's a block.  And I think that comes from not knowing where my convictions lie; or rather having become so disconnected from them for far too long to the point that I'm not sure anymore.  What do I truly believe in with all my heart that I can speak to that would benefit someone else if I share it?  Or have I become so mindlessly numb that all I know how to do is operate on a superficial level?

It's going to take some work to get back to where I was spiritually in relation to myself, but it comes down to this:  We all matter!  Afterall, what is matter?  It's substance, mass, weight, tangible.  These are things we all are that no one can alter or take from us with mere words.  When we let that happen, we give away our power.  We are infinite beings with immense potential and nothing but promise lies before us.  If we let things from the past hold us back, we will never realize our potential.  We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.  Sometimes simply finding the courage to believe that and believe in ourselves is the hardest part.

Namaste!

Kristen

The Way I Choose to See It.

So many of us wander through life unaware of our potential and becoming victims of circumstance. We just let life happen to us instead of taking an active role. Or perhaps we live too much in our past, reliving old hurts and disappointments.

Whatever reason we have for NOT being joyful every second of our life is silly really. Of course, things happen that anger or disappoint us, but how we deal with that is truly up to us as individuals. We can either let our emotions take us for a freaky roller coaster ride, or we can take a moment to step back and reassess the situation from a new perspective. Maybe the moment is too intense, in which case, it's best to walk away and collect oneself and take a few breaths. Once calm has been restored, what can be learned from that moment? What wisdom can be extracted from the experience that helps to mold new perspectives going forward? What was just learned about oneself from that experience?

Many people choose to wallow in anger, disappointment, guilt, shame, etc. That's not empowering! One falls victim to their experiences and emotions when they wallow in those states of mind. If people could simply learn to step back and look at the bigger picture and learn to transform those dis-empowering feelings into something more useful, like wisdom, insight and understanding, there would be so much more happiness in their lives. A simple shift in perspective with regard to "bad" experiences helps to let things go so one can move past that experience and in doing so removes that heavy burden that gets carried around on one's proverbial shoulders.

The wisdom one gains as they come out of those experiences literally transforms them into new people. Yes, they look the same from the outside. However, inside a profound transformation has occurred that has forever changed them; so much so that they will never again be the person they were before they experienced that transformation and insight about themselves and their life.

This is a beautiful thing! I liken it to the way a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. This metaphor is certainly an overused one, but it's always fitting.

What areas of your life need to be re-looked at? What emotions do you carry around that hold you back from being the person you want to be? How can a change of perspective benefit the relationships your have in your life? What beliefs were you raised with that may now come into question about life, people, religion, money, etc.?

Contemplating these things will no doubt open up a can of worms. And using this metaphor is also fitting, since things get messy when one really takes the time to reassess everything about their life. It's always messy at first, but the empowerment brought about by clarity is well worth it.

Namaste!

Kristen