This phrase, said to me while I was stretching forward with all my might in either Pigeon pose or Agnistambhasana, was initially grating and I took exception to her words. I felt as though she was criticizing me on a very personal level.
"What was she trying to say to me? Don't try so hard? Bah! Who is she to judge me?", I fumed through the rest of class and left feeling like some shameful secret had been exposed for everyone to see.
The fact was, everyone could see this about me, but I hadn't seen it until that moment. It was so painfully true. I often try so hard, especially when I get really excited about new developments in my life. Let's call it being overly eager. It could be friends, work, school, hobbies or any myriad of things. The fact of the matter is that you could take any aspect of my life, insert, 'don't try so hard.' and it will most likely pertain to that aspect.
It is the curse of the overly-eager perfectionist. I don't cut myself a lot of slack and I expect to see my desires to manifest quickly and when they don't, I will push and try to force them into existence. That approach is like a child throwing a temper tantrum in order to get their way, and we all know how that plays out. In this case, the Universe is the loving parent that won't put up with any shit. So when I try to force my desires to manifest, the Universe takes from me the very thing I want.
When I look back on my life, there are several instances where my eagerness came back to bite me. In trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother, I wound up in a depression. When I tried so hard to be friends with another mom, she brushed me off before we could ever get our kids together. When I tried so hard to advance my yoga practice (whether I was ready or not), I got injured. When I tried so hard to market my jewelry, I was politely declined.The most recent thing to happen came when I tweaked my shoulder during a yoga class and I went to my teacher for help. Only problem is that I always go to this teacher for help when I have pain or discomfort associated with my yoga practice. I hold him in very high regard in terms of his knowledge of such things. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm still learning and eager to tap into my teacher's knowledge. This time, however, he insisted that I try to figure out the issue on my own using the knowledge and tools I gained from teacher training to try to correct my shoulder, but to come to him if my attempts were unsuccessful. During our conversation, he mentioned that when I "bombard" him with my issues at every turn, he tends to want to pull away and retract from me instead of help me. Ding, ding, ding......that would be the Universe calling and my teacher's words suddenly echo in my head again, "Don't try so hard."
It takes a concerted effort on my part to stay mindful of how eager I become in new and exciting situations. Oftentimes, I will misread a situation or miss subtle cues from others that in hindsight were perfectly clear, but by then it's simply too late. It's okay to be excited, of course, but I need to stay aware of whether or not I'm trying to force something to come into being. My jewelry may have been politely declined by those I was trying to sell to, but then I wore one of my bracelets to a yoga class and got four orders. I wasn't trying. I simply made something I loved, wore it, and many others loved it, too.
I'm finding more and more, that if there is something I hope to gain, I put it to the Universe nicely, "It would be really nice if__________.", and then I let it go. I won't give it another thought and if it happens, it happens; if not, it's simply not the right time. My trying to force things into being is simply my lack of faith that the Universe will provide for me what I truly need and desire. With faith, doors begin to swing wide open and opportunities present themselves effortlessly! Just because I can't see my desires manifesting, doesn't mean that they aren't and it requires not only faith, but also patience on my part to allow the Universe to work it's magic. Adrsta phala is the sanskrit word for unseen fruit and the same way I can't force a tomato or a flower to grow, I also can't force the natural evolution of my desires into fruition.
To your continued growth and well being.
Namaste!
Kristen
