As a teen, I lost my parent's trust continuously as I navigated my boy-crazy years. What I've learned as I reflect back on those years, the only reason I wasn't honest about where I was going or who I was seeing was because I knew I would be faced with criticism and anything I wanted to do would be met with a resounding, "No." So I would lie......and always got caught!
In the end, the lying never got me anywhere....I only dug myself a deeper hole that became harder and harder to get out of every time I got caught lying. These are lessons that I'm passing down to my daughter in hopes that she will learn from my mistakes and not repeat them as she moves into her teen-hood.
As an adult, I've become very good at spotting a lie. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but after a while, the effects of repeated lies, wears on me. I become really peeved when I discover that I've been lied to....even if it's a seemingly harmless lie. When you know you have been lied to, insecurity runs rampant! You wonder, "Why am I being lied to? What don't they want me to know? Don't they respect me enough to give me the truth? What did I do that they can't be honest with me?"
Relationships, romantic or friendly can only be maintained if there is a foundation of trust. Trust is built with complete honesty and transparency. When there is a lack of honesty, friendships crumble due to resentment because there is an inherent lack of respect for the other person's feelings. The worst is when I know a person is deliberately lying to me and thinks I don't know. It's an insult to my intelligence. Often times, it's their actions that give them away. Most people have unconscious behavior patterns that they aren't aware of, but I pick up on. I catch the lie when the expected pattern is broken, but they have no idea that I've picked up on it or that they've broken their own pattern. Scary, I know, that I would be that tuned in to people, but it's something I've gotten good at and helps me to know who I can trust and who I can't. And I hate feeling like I can't trust people that I actually care about.....people that I regard as good friends. Makes me wonder if they are worth keeping.
The question then becomes, why do I keep these liars in my life? Why not just cast them off as the disrespectful and insensitive people that they can be when they decide to lie to me? Because I'm a sucker for second chances (and third...and fourth) and we all have moments where we question the wisdom of telling the complete truth in an effort spare another person's feelings. Here's the thing.....it's best to just tell the truth right away!!! Regardless of whether you think you are doing the other person a favor by lying to them in that moment.....it will be FAR MORE detrimental to the relationship down the road when it's discovered that you lied to spare their feelings and thought it nobel at the time to do so. No one likes to be lied to. Telling the truth, no matter how scary, is courageous. Lying is cowardly.
And remember, when you lie, you have to remember the lie....and you have to keep carrying that around with you. When you tell the truth, there's no fabrication to remember. You are liberated from the burden of carrying around stories and half-truths. You have to ask yourself, "Is this lie worth hurting this relationship?" If the answer is,"no", then tell the truth. If you don't value the relationship, then your lies will effectively end it and you will be liberated from the responsibility of maintaining trust and transparency.
