The one I need to write about that I've recently had clarity on was the experience of going through my 500hr yoga teacher training. That was a very difficult experience for me for a number of reasons.
1. I felt a lot of negative energy coming from the husband/wife teacher duo in part because I asked a lot of questions and needed more reassurance than they wanted to give during the 200hr training. For that, I was invisibly branded as a "problem".
2. I was still dealing with a shoulder injury that one of those teachers refused to help me with, leaving me no choice but to seek help from a physical therapist, who thankfully has become a dear friend and mentor to me, showing me that my "teacher" was actually doing more harm than good for his students. In hindsight, it wasn't my teacher's job to fix me, but I was still learning these things.
3. I realize now as I look back, I was going through a depression during my training. The negative energy that was aimed in my direction during training only served to make me more insecure than I already was. Other trainees began treating me with the same negativity as the two teachers who seemed to do everything in their power make me feel excluded and unwanted. I experienced moments where I was completely inconsolable....crying in the middle of the Hanuman Chalisa because I hadn't memorized the words when I thought I should have by that point. Even though I'd been teaching consistently and confidently for more than 2 years at that time, I couldn't teach in front of these teachers without crying, because I feared their criticism of me. I was paralyzed by my own insecurity at that time and the practice that I loved became one that I loathed and even considered giving up.
As I look back, I recall the moment I met my insecurity and confronted it. It was this troll-like creature that would sit in the back of my head and tell me lies. I avoided my practice and my fellow trainees, believing the insecurity that had its death grip on me.
"Why would you go to class? It's not like they want you there."
"No one likes you. Just stay home. It's safer here."
"You aren't good enough to teach. Why waste your time with training?"
"You're so stupid. No one wants to hear what you have to say."
This voice, was actually the unspoken words of my teachers that were energetically communicated to me. Sadly, for a while, I believed them.
When I finally realized what was going on and that these were lies, I called it out and took back my power and went to class. It was supposed to be a Follow The Yogi class with the one teacher who made me feel the smallest and I felt good enough to march into class, practice fiercely and not feel insecure. As luck would have it that day, he wasn't teaching. Probably for the best anyway.
Here it is now, two years later and much has changed....for the better. That negative energy is no longer present in my life with exception of people who were in that training with me, watched me battle my demons and have since kept their distance and only exchange the bare minimum of pleasantries with me. When that happens, it stings. It's a throwback of what I went through during that time and reminds me that people still exist in this world who are scared of those who show the world their truth vs. only sharing what people want to see. Yes, I made people uncomfortable by crying openly and presenting myself as emotionally wounded, but I survived it and I learned from it. Doesn't that make me worth knowing? Or is it just better to keep a distance between your safe existence and my honest experience? I need to remember, it's not about me.....everyone is fighting their own battle whether they are aware of it or not. If someone feels uncomfortable around me, that says more about them than it does about me. I'm just being true to myself.
There are those who attended that same training who have remained true friends. They held me up during that trying time and reassured me when I needed it most. I was the insecure Hanuman and they were the villagers who sang my praises to help me make the confident leap back to my truth and my joy. Even though I don't speak to them on a regular basis, I love them for their support and their kindness when others just dismissed me as pathetic and hopeless.
Today, I am head yoga teacher for Kure Yoga and Wellness in Norwalk, CT. I have big plans to bring a new way of doing things onto the yoga mat. My confidence is not so easily rocked these days and I look forward to having a team that will share in my vision.
All that has happened to this point has shaped me into the person I am today. I have the experience, the wisdom and the knowledge to do things now that I never dreamed possible. For that, I am truly grateful!
Namaste!
Kristen
