Don't Try So Hard.

As I reflect upon my yoga practice over the past year, one piece of advice, given to me by one of my yoga teachers, has made all the difference in how I approach my life. Four simple words, "Don't try so hard."

This phrase, said to me while I was stretching forward with all my might in either Pigeon pose or Agnistambhasana, was initially grating and I took exception to her words. I felt as though she was criticizing me on a very personal level.

"What was she trying to say to me? Don't try so hard? Bah! Who is she to judge me?", I fumed through the rest of class and left feeling like some shameful secret had been exposed for everyone to see.

The fact was, everyone could see this about me, but I hadn't seen it until that moment. It was so painfully true. I often try so hard, especially when I get really excited about new developments in my life. Let's call it being overly eager. It could be friends, work, school, hobbies or any myriad of things. The fact of the matter is that you could take any aspect of my life, insert, 'don't try so hard.' and it will most likely pertain to that aspect.

It is the curse of the overly-eager perfectionist. I don't cut myself a lot of slack and I expect to see my desires to manifest quickly and when they don't, I will push and try to force them into existence. That approach is like a child throwing a temper tantrum in order to get their way, and we all know how that plays out. In this case, the Universe is the loving parent that won't put up with any shit. So when I try to force my desires to manifest, the Universe takes from me the very thing I want.When I look back on my life, there are several instances where my eagerness came back to bite me. In trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother, I wound up in a depression. When I tried so hard to be friends with another mom, she brushed me off before we could ever get our kids together. When I tried so hard to advance my yoga practice (whether I was ready or not), I got injured. When I tried so hard to market my jewelry, I was politely declined.The most recent thing to happen came when I tweaked my shoulder during a yoga class and I went to my teacher for help. Only problem is that I always go to this teacher for help when I have pain or discomfort associated with my yoga practice. I hold him in very high regard in terms of his knowledge of such things. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm still learning and eager to tap into my teacher's knowledge. This time, however, he insisted that I try to figure out the issue on my own using the knowledge and tools I gained from teacher training to try to correct my shoulder, but to come to him if my attempts were unsuccessful. During our conversation, he mentioned that when I "bombard" him with my issues at every turn, he tends to want to pull away and retract from me instead of help me. Ding, ding, ding......that would be the Universe calling and my teacher's words suddenly echo in my head again, "Don't try so hard."

It takes a concerted effort on my part to stay mindful of how eager I become in new and exciting situations. Oftentimes, I will misread a situation or miss subtle cues from others that in hindsight were perfectly clear, but by then it's simply too late. It's okay to be excited, of course, but I need to stay aware of whether or not I'm trying to force something to come into being. My jewelry may have been politely declined by those I was trying to sell to, but then I wore one of my bracelets to a yoga class and got four orders. I wasn't trying. I simply made something I loved, wore it, and many others loved it, too.
I'm finding more and more, that if there is something I hope to gain, I put it to the Universe nicely, "It would be really nice if__________.", and then I let it go. I won't give it another thought and if it happens, it happens; if not, it's simply not the right time. My trying to force things into being is simply my lack of faith that the Universe will provide for me what I truly need and desire. With faith, doors begin to swing wide open and opportunities present themselves effortlessly! Just because I can't see my desires manifesting, doesn't mean that they aren't and it requires not only faith, but also patience on my part to allow the Universe to work it's magic. Adrsta phala is the sanskrit word for unseen fruit and the same way I can't force a tomato or a flower to grow, I also can't force the natural evolution of my desires into fruition.

To your continued growth and well being.

Namaste!

Kristen

Unseen Fruit

As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, the signs of spring begin to show themselves. The crocus bloom, the tulips start to emerge, the hyacinth surface from the earth and the robins return to hopping across the grass looking for worms. Ah Spring! There is almost an audible stirring happening just below the surface. Everything is beginning to show promise and possibility.

Adrsta-phala (adreeshta-pala) is the Sanskrit word for "unseen fruit". When we plant our gardens, we open the packets of seeds, put them in the ground and never once second guess whether or not we will get tomatoes or peas. We take it on faith that the seeds we plant will produce the desired results. We believe in the unseen fruit.

Our life is like a garden and it works much the same way, but most of the time, we aren't conscious of the seeds we are planting. In fact, many of us plant seeds that produce poisonous fruit and let the weeds and pests take over the garden. We need to have awareness regarding the thoughts we think, the words we say and the actions we take. These are the seeds that we ultimately plant. This makes the difference between having a healthy, thriving garden or a weed bed with pests and poor soil. Which one do you want?

The greatest people in history who accomplished amazing things never once doubted that they would make their dreams come to fruition; nor did they have any idea how they would possibly get to their desired result. They believed in the unseen fruit. They had faith in their dreams and desires and did a little every day in the direction of their dreams. Through trial and error, learning the whole way, their dreams manifested. The Wright Brothers, Henry Ford, Einstein.....all amazing minds and they had big dreams that came into being through faith in the adrsta-phala.

Consider your garden for a moment. What does it look like in your mind's eye. Is it stirring with promise and possibility or is it an overgrown, unhealthy, weedy, pest infested mess? Here on the cusp of spring, consider what you want to grow in your garden and how you will tend to it. You can even practice this in an actual garden and make it something of a ritual to help you see the connection between you and your desires and how to properly nurture growth. Visualize and get clear about what you want; plant the seed of possibility with your intention. Tend to that desire with baby steps in that direction. Weed out doubt and distraction; which can be just as toxic as as planting bad seeds. Just like a real garden, you will begin to see the fruits of your efforts, but you must have consistent faith that the seeds you plant will bring you what you truly desire to have in this life. Just because you can not see it, does not mean it doesn't exist or won't exist.

To your continued growth....

Namaste!

Kristen

Swerving Into Oncoming Traffic

I've taken my asana practice from a vigorous vinyasa and sloppy alignment back to a basic level with more mindful movement. My ego still taunts me as I put myself in the hands of my teachers, admitting I need help with what I thought was a beautiful and mindful practice. Surrendering now to teachers who have watched my progress over the past year, possibly cringing, and now showing me where I've gone wrong as I work to correct my practice.

Was I that cocky to think that my asana practice was so strong that it didn't need correcting? Have I really become so wrapped up in asana that I've forgotten the core values of yoga? That all that matters is how bendy I can get or how strong I can be to hold an arm balance? I'm no better than the typical gym rat who simply obsesses about MORE. I rarely take the time to read about the core tenets of yoga and how to best incorporate them into my life.

I want to be a good example to my students and my injury to my back has given me pause. I am so far away from where I was during teacher training. When I decided I wanted to be a yoga teacher, I did so because I wanted to help others work out their own lives through the practice of yoga. Only problem is that I haven't been practicing yoga.......I've only been practicing asana.

In the day-to-day hustle of getting kids off to school and me off to class either to practice or teach and then run errands if I have time, I have forgotten to look around or even notice my own thoughts and actions. It's just go, go, go and don't dare stop until everyone is happy.

I've been so busy that I barely noticed that I've disconnected from myself. My soul. The part of me that I came to know and love so fiercely over the course of teacher training and have now lost sight of. That was my yoga. That changed how I moved through the course of my day and treated people I came in contact with. I felt connected to myself and the world around me in the best way. Now I simply move through the motions, not thinking mindfully enough about the impact my words or actions may have and possibly hurting myself or others by being careless. It's kind of like accidentally swerving into oncoming traffic. You need to pay attention to the road.

And so it's a metaphor for my practice. I move on my mat the way I move through life.....thinking I'm doing everything right, but not really paying attention until the proof is in my face that what I was doing was wrong. Admitting to being wrong is where my ego steps in. As a perfectionist, being wrong is just a tough pill to swallow. So I reluctantly surrender, cry a bit and then ask for help and cry some more as I ask for that help. My ego making me feel ashamed as if to say, "Nice job. Fine mess you have made of yourself.", glaring down at me in disappointment. And then it laughs at me while I cry.

I know it's all in my head.....and it's twisted and cruel what my own thoughts will do to me. But this is what I get for disconnecting from my soul by not being more mindful. As I learn to reconnect and get back to that place of peace I found within myself, the cruel voice of my ego will soften and be more nurturing as it was during teacher training. I need to learn to be friends with myself again instead of being the overly demanding boss that expects nothing less than perfect.

With an abundance of love and gratitude.

Namaste!

Kristen

The Microscope

I have a hard time understanding why people leave a yoga class before its over. Last Monday night, I had a huge class; 66 people. Some were new to yoga and for some reason, I incorporated poses into my sequence that were obviously a bit too challenging for the new comers. So midway through class, about 4-5 people got up and left. It didn't make me feel very good, but it got me thinking.


I can't make anyone stay to finish my class, but I will do what I can to encourage them not to leave. Consider if you will; a job interview or performance review. Would you leave in the middle of it simply because you're uncomfortable with criticism? I would imagine not, but nonetheless, it still makes you feel uneasy when you feel like you are being put under a microscope. So why leave when a yoga class is a bit challenging? Is it because the inner critic is telling you that you can't hack it or that you're weak? Neither of which is true. If you are new to yoga, you need to give yourself a chance and not retreat at the first sign of a challenge. Instead, learn to modify. Go at your own pace and know that it's not a command performance. I'm not giving out prizes to those who had the most beautiful practice during class.




Learning yoga can be a lot like answering a question. When you don't know the answer to a question, do you answer it anyway pretending to know something you don't.....or do you tell the person you aren't sure and will get back to them? By saying, "I don't know." in a yoga pose is the equivalent of coming into Child's Pose or taking a moment to look around the room and figure out what the pose should look like.......and finding the answer for yourself.




Being new to something doesn't make you weak or stupid or any of the terrible things we say to ourselves, it just means you need to learn a new skill. Suspend your judgement for a while and stay open to possibility. There is so much you can learn about yourself if you just take the time to explore what is within you. But if you leave; throw in the towel and give up before you've even started, then you may never uncover the parts of yourself that are truly amazing and waiting just below the surface to show themselves to you.


The time we spend on our yoga mats is a simulation of our life and how we move through it. Leaving when things get uncomfortable or too challenging says one thing. Staying and learning how to move through the poses and modifying when necessary says another. What do you want your yoga practice to say about you?


With an abundance of love and gratitude!


Namaste!


Kristen

When all else fails....

Despite the discomfort in my back, I practiced yoga yesterday morning at the beloved Saraswati's Yoga Joint. I've been feeling so disconnected from my kula and I was dying to get back on my mat and just move my body. I made a promise with myself before class began that I would modify heavily to accommodate my back. Normally I would've intercepted Donna before class just to give her a heads up, but class got going a few minutes late, so I opted to just keep my promise to myself and not worry about it.

I moved well through most of class, albeit much slower than I normally do. I needed to be mindful of every movement and every muscle engagement to ensure I was practicing as safely as possible. I wasn't concerned with keeping up with everyone else.......I just wanted to practice moving consciously. I made sure to scoop my tailbone in every Cobra and engage my core continually through class since I have recently discovered actually diminishes the pain in my back quite significantly. However, the extent to which I must engage my core is hard to maintain over very long periods of time, so I move through waves of pain and comfort throughout the day.

Class was going well until we moved into back bends. Dhanurasana and Salabhasana are not terrible on my back, but when Donna called out Ustrasana, I went straight into Child's Pose. My ego again taunting me and I fought back tears of frustration. It's hard for me to accept that I can't do a pose when I've worked so hard to bring my practice to where it is. As a perfectionist, I want to be able to do do everything well and when I'm forced to take 10 steps backward; even if it is for the best, I feel a kind of shame.....like I have been forced to give up when I never wanted to quit.

As class moved on, we came to Bridge Pose and Urdvha Dhanurasana. I figured I would be okay in Bridge Pose the whole time. I used a block between my thighs and made sure my ankles squeezed towards each other, I made sure my knees reached in one direction as my chest reached in the other. I made sure not to squeeze my glutes and even used my hands to support my low back. I engaged my abs, but to no happy endings. When we were done and came into Supta Padangustasana, I closed my eyes. My back stung and tears streamed from the corners of my eyes onto my mat. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do to create a comfortable Bridge Pose and got a world of hurt instead. When you do everything in your power to try and make it better for yourself in the pose and nothing works, what then? No Bridge Pose for a while as well? Back bends are supposed to be the most therapeutic poses in yoga when done correctly. So what now?

I had plans to take Mitchel's class Tuesday night since he knows of my back issues and can offer adjustments during class that may bring relief to my back. After yesterday's class, I have offered to help assist Mitchel with adjustments during his class instead of potentially putting myself in another painful situation.

I have tried to correct my poses in an effort to alleviate my pain. Acupuncture may be next or a private session with Mitchel. My asana practice doesn't feel like a wise option right now, so when all else fails......teach. The silver lining on this whole issue is that I'm learning (the hard way) what I need to tell my students to do in their practice to avoid injury and back pain. In the end it just makes me a much better teacher and one my students will trust.

With an abundance of love and gratitude.

Namaste!

Kristen

Backing Down

I am one of those people who rarely backs down from a challenge. If you tell me I can't do something, I will do everything in my power to prove you wrong. That's clearly my ego getting the best of me and me giving in to it.

In terms of my asana practice, this presents a problem. In all my striving to advance my practice, I will sometimes ignore the pain or discomfort in my body simply to prove to myself that I can do a certain pose. I will rationalize that what I feel is merely sore muscles from the practice the day before and that what I feel is just part of the process of teaching my body more advanced asana. What has to happen before I will honor the truth of what my body is telling me or must I learn the hard way and put myself in a situation where a certain pose will literally "break the yogi's back"?

Ever since I learned how to properly go into back bends, I am periodically plagued with pain in my lower back that clearly suggests I'm not doing my back bends correctly. How can this be? I teach back bends to my students and yet, I myself can't do one consistently without hurting myself? Now, this isn't always the case. Sometimes I go into a back bend with all the planets aligned and suffer no ill repercussions.....in fact, I end up wanting to do more, but more often than not, my back will pinch, ache and spasm following my attempts.

So here I am, sitting on my mat, fighting it out with my ego, trying not to let it get the best of me. The teacher says to the class as we are about to come into Ustrasana, "Please listen to your body before you listen to my voice."

The words offered comfort and a way out and I knew it was okay to back down from my self-created challenge of going into a pose that I knew would sting my back and most certainly make me cry. With frustration boiling in my blood and tears beginning to well up in my eyes, I surrender to Child's Pose, my mind creating the illusion of defeat.

What have I learned? No amount of ego tripping is worth hurting myself or taking a situation from bad to worse. My body knows what it needs and I have to learn to honor that and take better care of myself so my body can take better care of me. Just because I am unable to come into a pose over the course of several classes does not mean that I am broken and will never be able to perform back bends ever again. This is a bump in the road on my journey through my yoga practice. It serves as a reminder to recognize when I am allowing my ego to push my buttons to the point of ignoring the needs of my body for the sake of feeling victorious in my practice.

After all, if you don't listen to the signals your body is giving, you are more or less beating yourself up. In the end, the body will take you out when it's had enough. What does that say about how you feel about yourself if you are continually beating yourself up to satisfy your ego? Yoga is about connection and honoring the connections between yourself and all living and non-living things. When you ignore the connections closest to you, you need to ask why. What is going on in your life that pushes you to beat yourself up and act out in ways contrary to the values at the core of yoga? We want to move and act from a place of love and joy, and when we aren't feeling those things; it shows in our practice on and off our mats. We become competitive with ourselves and those around us. Perhaps we or others have expectations of us that we aren't living up to and then we "punish" ourselves on our mat trying to at least live up to our own expectations in our asana practice. After all, its just yoga.....isn't it?

Be gentle, forgiving and patient with yourself. We have perfection residing within each of us, but that doesn't mean we are infallible or indestructible.

By backing down and not giving into the ego, you are sending a clear and loving message to yourself that shows you love yourself enough to modify to your abilities, that you honor your body and in the act of honoring yourself, are truly practicing yoga.

With an abundance of love and gratitude!

Namaste!

Kristen

Fire Ceremony

This past Tuesday, January 4th and the night of the New Moon, a fire ceremony was held at the yoga studio where I practice. The evening was filled with music, meditation and spiritual cleansing in order to begin 2011 fresh and to ask the universe for its help in bringing to us that which we most desire.

In the process, we were also asked to throw into the fire anything that no longer serves us. I certainly threw a few things away that I no longer needed. My wish for the new year that I sent out to the universe is to be a constant source of inspiration to my students in an effort to help them along their path through yoga. I became a teacher in effort to transform lives and the way many view the world that we live in. I find I have days where the words simply aren't there to inspire my students. I asked that the Goddess Saraswati (Hindu Goddess of art, music and speech) speak through me so I could reach my students on a deeper level.

In the few days following, strange things have begun to happen. Normally, I am so consumed by my own agenda and what I want to get done during the day that other things get left to chance, like dinner, house work, the needs of my family. Lately out of nowhere, I find myself motivated to get things done......not for my sake, but for that of my family. I know it sounds horrible that I don't normally consider my family throughout the course of my day, but sadly house work, dinner, laundry etc. are afterthoughts that I'd rather not deal with; another chore on my long list of things to do. It's like a reconnection is taking place between me and my family despite the fact that I have a very busy schedule. It feels great and I'm seeing the yoga in what I'm doing.

After all, yoga is about connections and how we relate to each other. It's so easy to get caught up in our busy lives and put on hold those who need our attention the most. It's as though Saraswati heard my request and is helping me to gain proper perspective on the yoga of life and relationships so I can talk about it from first hand experience. She is helping me to see the interconnections of my life and how they all come together to influence each other.

The latest task I took on of my own volition that I normally wouldn't do is shoveling snow off the driveway when it snowed yesterday. I usually leave that for my husband to do, but I felt compelled to do it for him because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving it until he came home from a busy day at work. I wanted to simply take that task off his list and that's exactly what I did. He was so appreciative of it too.

A connection between spouses is a crucial one to foster and maintain. Sadly, my busy life has caused me to almost ignore this relationship and has created what feels like a canyon of distance between my husband and myself. My request to Saraswati for her guidance and inspiration has begun to narrow the divide and make me grateful for the love and support I have in my life on a daily basis no matter how busy my day gets. Now I just need to return the favor.

With an abundance of love and gratitude!

Thank you for reading.

Namaste!

Kristen