When all else fails....

Despite the discomfort in my back, I practiced yoga yesterday morning at the beloved Saraswati's Yoga Joint. I've been feeling so disconnected from my kula and I was dying to get back on my mat and just move my body. I made a promise with myself before class began that I would modify heavily to accommodate my back. Normally I would've intercepted Donna before class just to give her a heads up, but class got going a few minutes late, so I opted to just keep my promise to myself and not worry about it.

I moved well through most of class, albeit much slower than I normally do. I needed to be mindful of every movement and every muscle engagement to ensure I was practicing as safely as possible. I wasn't concerned with keeping up with everyone else.......I just wanted to practice moving consciously. I made sure to scoop my tailbone in every Cobra and engage my core continually through class since I have recently discovered actually diminishes the pain in my back quite significantly. However, the extent to which I must engage my core is hard to maintain over very long periods of time, so I move through waves of pain and comfort throughout the day.

Class was going well until we moved into back bends. Dhanurasana and Salabhasana are not terrible on my back, but when Donna called out Ustrasana, I went straight into Child's Pose. My ego again taunting me and I fought back tears of frustration. It's hard for me to accept that I can't do a pose when I've worked so hard to bring my practice to where it is. As a perfectionist, I want to be able to do do everything well and when I'm forced to take 10 steps backward; even if it is for the best, I feel a kind of shame.....like I have been forced to give up when I never wanted to quit.

As class moved on, we came to Bridge Pose and Urdvha Dhanurasana. I figured I would be okay in Bridge Pose the whole time. I used a block between my thighs and made sure my ankles squeezed towards each other, I made sure my knees reached in one direction as my chest reached in the other. I made sure not to squeeze my glutes and even used my hands to support my low back. I engaged my abs, but to no happy endings. When we were done and came into Supta Padangustasana, I closed my eyes. My back stung and tears streamed from the corners of my eyes onto my mat. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do to create a comfortable Bridge Pose and got a world of hurt instead. When you do everything in your power to try and make it better for yourself in the pose and nothing works, what then? No Bridge Pose for a while as well? Back bends are supposed to be the most therapeutic poses in yoga when done correctly. So what now?

I had plans to take Mitchel's class Tuesday night since he knows of my back issues and can offer adjustments during class that may bring relief to my back. After yesterday's class, I have offered to help assist Mitchel with adjustments during his class instead of potentially putting myself in another painful situation.

I have tried to correct my poses in an effort to alleviate my pain. Acupuncture may be next or a private session with Mitchel. My asana practice doesn't feel like a wise option right now, so when all else fails......teach. The silver lining on this whole issue is that I'm learning (the hard way) what I need to tell my students to do in their practice to avoid injury and back pain. In the end it just makes me a much better teacher and one my students will trust.

With an abundance of love and gratitude.

Namaste!

Kristen