I Matter, Damnit!!!

During my 500 hour yoga teacher training class, I was asked to get up and teach part of class.  I was teaching to backbends.  But it's not that simple.  While teaching backbends, I needed to be adjusting students AND weave in the theme of the class.  That's where I get stuck, is in the integrating the theme as I teach and adjust.  My teacher saw I was stuggling and had me sit at the front of the room, close my eyes and teach.  I was crying right out of the gate, but why?  I've been teaching for a little more than 2 years and my students have nothing but praise for me.  As Tracy said, I'm a celebrated teacher and inspire my students, so I should have nothing to fear when it comes to teaching a room full of exquisite teachers.  But I do. 

For a while, there has been this under current of self depreciation.  I've been feeling a lot like my voice doesn't matter; that I don't matter, that I am less important than others and therefore unworthy.  Right around the time I injured my shoulder, another person made me feel like my injury was insignificant and left me to fend for myself.  This person didn't believe I was truly injured.  This wounded my spirit in a way I never expected.  I suddenly felt exiled from my kula and the voice I had discovered within myself through yoga disappeared and my walls went back up.  I felt like I didn't matter anymore and I closed myself off.

As I reflect back on this experience, I begin to realize that my difficulty with speaking to a group and opening up the conversation comes from feeling unworthy and feeling like anything I say really won't matter or worse, be criticized.  Intrinsically, I know that's completely untrue.  And in order to say something that will make a difference, I need to let my guard down so I can be myself and truly speak from my heart.  That's terrifying for me since I have been so guarded.  I know I can affect change in others by what I say and how I say it to get them to think.  However, there's a block.  And I think that comes from not knowing where my convictions lie; or rather having become so disconnected from them for far too long to the point that I'm not sure anymore.  What do I truly believe in with all my heart that I can speak to that would benefit someone else if I share it?  Or have I become so mindlessly numb that all I know how to do is operate on a superficial level?

It's going to take some work to get back to where I was spiritually in relation to myself, but it comes down to this:  We all matter!  Afterall, what is matter?  It's substance, mass, weight, tangible.  These are things we all are that no one can alter or take from us with mere words.  When we let that happen, we give away our power.  We are infinite beings with immense potential and nothing but promise lies before us.  If we let things from the past hold us back, we will never realize our potential.  We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.  Sometimes simply finding the courage to believe that and believe in ourselves is the hardest part.

Namaste!

Kristen